Today temp: 96.56
Nice and low pre ovulation temp. I just am praying for ovulation. I want it to come now so I'm not concerned about my ability to ovulate.
i'm also really frustrated with Kaiser and it's lack of response. Doc says she has to wait for all our blood tests results before she can even submit a request for me to see the IVF specialist. This after having to wait a month to take tests on day 3 of my cycle...something they failed to tell me on the previous cycle. It's driving me crazy. I can't wait to next year...I'm switching out of Kaiser. I now understand why people don't like it.
I'm convinced I have PCOS but I can't talk to anyone about it. I never had an ultrasound or other tests that people seem to regularly get with their TTC efforts. And now I'm going for IVF...I feel like a lot more should have been done before this drastic point. Trying not to stress but I just want to get this...I've been reading blogs. All the people who said they were going for IVF at the same time I made my decision are now halfway through their IVF process. And I'm still waiting. I HATE THIS.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Cycle 15: Natural, CD 13 No peak yet
Today's temp: 96.98
Hmm, I didn't go to sleep until 4 and woke up at six and took my temp. So it might be a litttle higher than normal.
Mood: Worried
My ovulation kit is still testing low fertility and I'm already on day 13. I know this weird to say but it's hard to keep have BD every night. It's a lot of pressure. I don't get home from work until almost midnight and hubby is always tired.
Last night, I looked up the signs of PCOS
missing or irregular periods (negative---I have pretty consistent periods)
heavy periods (negative---I have very light periods)
excessive facial and body hair (postive)
receding hair (positive)
acne (positive)
So i read up that the best thing to do is to lose weight...although I'm not considered too overweight to have it be a worry. They usually give clomid, which I tried. And watching sugars that would spike my insulin. Insulin which can cause my ovaries to produce too much testosterone. Hmmm, I drink 2-3 sodas a day.
I've decided if anything can make me give up soda...it would be wanting a baby. Today, just one soda. Thus it starts. I wish I had started this 10 months ago. I'm convinced I would have bettered my chances.
Hmm, I didn't go to sleep until 4 and woke up at six and took my temp. So it might be a litttle higher than normal.
Mood: Worried
My ovulation kit is still testing low fertility and I'm already on day 13. I know this weird to say but it's hard to keep have BD every night. It's a lot of pressure. I don't get home from work until almost midnight and hubby is always tired.
Last night, I looked up the signs of PCOS
missing or irregular periods (negative---I have pretty consistent periods)
heavy periods (negative---I have very light periods)
excessive facial and body hair (postive)
receding hair (positive)
acne (positive)
So i read up that the best thing to do is to lose weight...although I'm not considered too overweight to have it be a worry. They usually give clomid, which I tried. And watching sugars that would spike my insulin. Insulin which can cause my ovaries to produce too much testosterone. Hmmm, I drink 2-3 sodas a day.
I've decided if anything can make me give up soda...it would be wanting a baby. Today, just one soda. Thus it starts. I wish I had started this 10 months ago. I'm convinced I would have bettered my chances.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Cycle 15: Natural Cycle CD 15
Today's temp: 96.99 but I was up for a little bit rolling around so I think that's higher than it should be
The nurse form the doc's office did call about my blood tests. Apparently my prolactin levels are elevated. She didn't know what prolactin is and she had to look up. She was a little confused and told me it was related to menstrual cycles and pregnancy. Well, I'm not pregnant. I looked it up. It's a stress hormone which stressed me out because I don't feel I have a stressful life. So, now I'm stressing on how I can address it since I already feel mellow. It can also just be a biological function.
This cycle is tough because hubby and I already feel discouraged. We found out on Sunday that two women we know at church are pg and are due in March. Then two days ago, we got a phone call...another couple...expecting...baby in march. then last night at bible study, we hit another bombshell when a young couple announced they are pg and due in March. We've shared over a year ago that we were trying and we kind of stopped talking about it. At that time, they both proclaimed loudly that they weren't ready and it would be a long time. I was super excited for them but I think this morning it kind of hit me. I can't make sense of anything. You stop hoping at some point because every month it doesn't happen for you, but happens for other. For those keeping count, in the last three weeks, we have learned seven of our friends pg, all due in March. Yup, seven. It's hard to even be optimistic about this cycle.
I want to change health insurance already. I thought we could be moving towards IVF but they're not even done with the blood tests that we need to get approved to go see the IVF specialist. This is so sucky. Hmmm, three week wait begins.
The nurse form the doc's office did call about my blood tests. Apparently my prolactin levels are elevated. She didn't know what prolactin is and she had to look up. She was a little confused and told me it was related to menstrual cycles and pregnancy. Well, I'm not pregnant. I looked it up. It's a stress hormone which stressed me out because I don't feel I have a stressful life. So, now I'm stressing on how I can address it since I already feel mellow. It can also just be a biological function.
This cycle is tough because hubby and I already feel discouraged. We found out on Sunday that two women we know at church are pg and are due in March. Then two days ago, we got a phone call...another couple...expecting...baby in march. then last night at bible study, we hit another bombshell when a young couple announced they are pg and due in March. We've shared over a year ago that we were trying and we kind of stopped talking about it. At that time, they both proclaimed loudly that they weren't ready and it would be a long time. I was super excited for them but I think this morning it kind of hit me. I can't make sense of anything. You stop hoping at some point because every month it doesn't happen for you, but happens for other. For those keeping count, in the last three weeks, we have learned seven of our friends pg, all due in March. Yup, seven. It's hard to even be optimistic about this cycle.
I want to change health insurance already. I thought we could be moving towards IVF but they're not even done with the blood tests that we need to get approved to go see the IVF specialist. This is so sucky. Hmmm, three week wait begins.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Cycle 15: CD 7 Testing Prep for IVF
Today's BBT=97.59
Last two day, I have had very nice low pre-ovulatory temps. Well, we did use AC the last two nights. So, in order to get approval to even see the IVF specialist (thanks Kaiser), hubby and I have to go through some screening tests. I was supposed to wait until day 3 of my cycle. So day, three I started driving to the lab. I was halfway there when I realized that the paper said that one of the tests could only be done before 10 am...and it was ten thirty. I didn't want to have to get blood drawn twice so I figured I would just chance waiting until day 4. So next morning, got there nice and early (I was so tired since I work at nights). Get there...oh, they don't do that one stupid test on Friday. So they had to do all the rest of the tests and was told to come back for that one stupid Cystic fibrosis screen. The guy was real nice but he had trouble getting the vein on the left side...so after a minute, he gave up and had to switch arms. And then they had to fill like 8 different vials.
Today I went back for that last blood draw. My arms had developed some bruising from the draws last week. The guy was real nice so I tried to hide it with my T-shirt. So, we went straight to my good arm and he was having trouble with that one. I have low blood pressure and have been told my veins roll. They will also collapse sometimes when I'm trying to donate blood. So he was poking around for a while and had to try different areas. I have a proble with needles so I actually started to feel a little sick and lightheaded. I had to concentrate on breathing deeply. When I walked out, I wanted to cry because I looked at my bruised arms and thought "This is how much we want you (our future children)." I will do this every day if it means it brings our kids to us.
Some of my levels came in and they were very reassuring
FSH 9.7
LH 5.1
Estradiol 37.8
TSH 2.78
Rubella +
Variella Zoster +
Blood Type B+
And all my blood cell counts are normal. I'm not really sure about the Rubella and Variella Zoster...I read that it could be you either have them in your cells or you just got a vaccination when younger. I am so relieved. Of course, I'm worried about the progesterone level I had on my last cycle but these were definitely such a relief to read. So, now my hubby has to somehow get his results from his doctor and get it to my doctor because we have different medical plans. I wonder how long we have to wait until we hear about the next step.
Last two day, I have had very nice low pre-ovulatory temps. Well, we did use AC the last two nights. So, in order to get approval to even see the IVF specialist (thanks Kaiser), hubby and I have to go through some screening tests. I was supposed to wait until day 3 of my cycle. So day, three I started driving to the lab. I was halfway there when I realized that the paper said that one of the tests could only be done before 10 am...and it was ten thirty. I didn't want to have to get blood drawn twice so I figured I would just chance waiting until day 4. So next morning, got there nice and early (I was so tired since I work at nights). Get there...oh, they don't do that one stupid test on Friday. So they had to do all the rest of the tests and was told to come back for that one stupid Cystic fibrosis screen. The guy was real nice but he had trouble getting the vein on the left side...so after a minute, he gave up and had to switch arms. And then they had to fill like 8 different vials.
Today I went back for that last blood draw. My arms had developed some bruising from the draws last week. The guy was real nice so I tried to hide it with my T-shirt. So, we went straight to my good arm and he was having trouble with that one. I have low blood pressure and have been told my veins roll. They will also collapse sometimes when I'm trying to donate blood. So he was poking around for a while and had to try different areas. I have a proble with needles so I actually started to feel a little sick and lightheaded. I had to concentrate on breathing deeply. When I walked out, I wanted to cry because I looked at my bruised arms and thought "This is how much we want you (our future children)." I will do this every day if it means it brings our kids to us.
Some of my levels came in and they were very reassuring
FSH 9.7
LH 5.1
Estradiol 37.8
TSH 2.78
Rubella +
Variella Zoster +
Blood Type B+
And all my blood cell counts are normal. I'm not really sure about the Rubella and Variella Zoster...I read that it could be you either have them in your cells or you just got a vaccination when younger. I am so relieved. Of course, I'm worried about the progesterone level I had on my last cycle but these were definitely such a relief to read. So, now my hubby has to somehow get his results from his doctor and get it to my doctor because we have different medical plans. I wonder how long we have to wait until we hear about the next step.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Cycle 15: CD 2
Today's BBT: I didn't give a damn.
hah, that was fun to write. I really like to take my picture even on days I know it's not critical. I just took today off. It's the scientist in me, I love the data just to observe for long days on the excel spreadsheet, searching for any sort of patterns. Hmm, I heard rumors that someone is pregnant...now I'm thinking about who it might be. If it's this one girl who I never see, then I'm good. If it's this other girl, then I'm sad. I knew this other girl and her hubby started trying but I hadn't heard any proclamation of happy news so I was kind of hoping that she wouldn't get pregnant and maybe I wouldn't be the only girl in my stage of life that is having difficulties. I'm surrounded by other couples who got married around the same time that we did but just haven't started their family journey. So they kind of look at me with pity when we ask for prayer in our efforts to have a baby. Instead they talk about how they are trying to not have kids right now because that's for later. I'm sure they think I'm abnormal.
I'm trying hard to stay on my stress-free enjoy life. I had a great date night with the hubby last night. Thought...man, our lives are pretty awesome. I wonder if I could get used to this, the kid-less life. Hubby says he wouldn't want to...he really wants kids. I'm so relieved to hear that we're moving towards the same goals. He wanted to wait two years before we had kids after marriage. I wanted to start right away. We talked about it often although we did agree to the two years. then our friends had an adorable baby and he started to have moments when he said "maybe we should have a baby now...I would really like that." So, I jumped all over that before he could take it back. So he was in the quest for a baby but definitely with not the same fervor as me. I kept tabs of what cycle day we were on (this was before I bought and ovulator detector or charted temps). And on our fourth month, we got pregnant. I remember the positive test and feeling really nervous about telling him. I know he had agreed to it but he freely acknowledged that he was scared that he wouldn't be ready. I think how different it will be when we finally have another positive test. I was nervous about how he would receive it...now I know I'll be nothing but thrilled to give him something I know he wants so much.
I'm determined to enjoy my life and every day on this journey...even this spell of infertility failure. We talk about it...but we don't talk about it all the time. I'm trying to avoid things that bring me stress. it's hard because I take little failures hugely. One of my coworkers was making comments about my tardiness to work. It took me a few days but I finally shook it off and I've showed up early the past two weeks. Then today, I see a note on the microwave at work complaining that they had just cleaned it and two days later, there was oily orange stains on it. Oh, that's so me. I heated up spaghettio's on Monday in the microwave...oily and orange. Yup, that describes it. So, I'm hit with a wave of sadness but I really hope it fades and I don't take it so personal. I am trying to ignore all the little things that remind me of my mistakes and failures.
hah, that was fun to write. I really like to take my picture even on days I know it's not critical. I just took today off. It's the scientist in me, I love the data just to observe for long days on the excel spreadsheet, searching for any sort of patterns. Hmm, I heard rumors that someone is pregnant...now I'm thinking about who it might be. If it's this one girl who I never see, then I'm good. If it's this other girl, then I'm sad. I knew this other girl and her hubby started trying but I hadn't heard any proclamation of happy news so I was kind of hoping that she wouldn't get pregnant and maybe I wouldn't be the only girl in my stage of life that is having difficulties. I'm surrounded by other couples who got married around the same time that we did but just haven't started their family journey. So they kind of look at me with pity when we ask for prayer in our efforts to have a baby. Instead they talk about how they are trying to not have kids right now because that's for later. I'm sure they think I'm abnormal.
I'm trying hard to stay on my stress-free enjoy life. I had a great date night with the hubby last night. Thought...man, our lives are pretty awesome. I wonder if I could get used to this, the kid-less life. Hubby says he wouldn't want to...he really wants kids. I'm so relieved to hear that we're moving towards the same goals. He wanted to wait two years before we had kids after marriage. I wanted to start right away. We talked about it often although we did agree to the two years. then our friends had an adorable baby and he started to have moments when he said "maybe we should have a baby now...I would really like that." So, I jumped all over that before he could take it back. So he was in the quest for a baby but definitely with not the same fervor as me. I kept tabs of what cycle day we were on (this was before I bought and ovulator detector or charted temps). And on our fourth month, we got pregnant. I remember the positive test and feeling really nervous about telling him. I know he had agreed to it but he freely acknowledged that he was scared that he wouldn't be ready. I think how different it will be when we finally have another positive test. I was nervous about how he would receive it...now I know I'll be nothing but thrilled to give him something I know he wants so much.
I'm determined to enjoy my life and every day on this journey...even this spell of infertility failure. We talk about it...but we don't talk about it all the time. I'm trying to avoid things that bring me stress. it's hard because I take little failures hugely. One of my coworkers was making comments about my tardiness to work. It took me a few days but I finally shook it off and I've showed up early the past two weeks. Then today, I see a note on the microwave at work complaining that they had just cleaned it and two days later, there was oily orange stains on it. Oh, that's so me. I heated up spaghettio's on Monday in the microwave...oily and orange. Yup, that describes it. So, I'm hit with a wave of sadness but I really hope it fades and I don't take it so personal. I am trying to ignore all the little things that remind me of my mistakes and failures.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Cycle 14: FAIL On to cycle 15
Today's BBT: 96.75
The past two days, I kept waking up in the night several times and getting hugely diverse readings. God's answer, a rested sleep and a distinct answer in the morning. Now I'm sitting here with my abdomen doing the slow aches of beginning menstrual cramps. I don't want to tell my hubby that this cycle is a bust because today is his birthday. Sigh* If only I could give him the present he really wants, something we just prayed for last night. Last month, I found out we weren't pregnant on our anniversary. Hmm, this time next cycle, hubby will be in Japan.
I'm just confused why we're not able to conceive. I'm convinced I have poor egg quality. The only saving grace is that I'm more at peace with our decision to move forward to try IVF. Since I'm starting my cycle, I can now get my blood tests done on Day 3 so they can start to put in the paperwork with my sinurance. It gives me a lot more peace with these busted cycles. Similar to how I felt in the month before I started clomid. I pray IVF isn't going giving me falso hope the way clomid did.
And I'm more at peace with thinking to myself "We can't have children." That's not too odd. There are plenty of people who can't have children. I mapped out the next cycle already and there's small blessings even there. Hubby is leaving for Japan but our fertile time should fall well before he leaves. Well, pick up the pieces and start again.
The past two days, I kept waking up in the night several times and getting hugely diverse readings. God's answer, a rested sleep and a distinct answer in the morning. Now I'm sitting here with my abdomen doing the slow aches of beginning menstrual cramps. I don't want to tell my hubby that this cycle is a bust because today is his birthday. Sigh* If only I could give him the present he really wants, something we just prayed for last night. Last month, I found out we weren't pregnant on our anniversary. Hmm, this time next cycle, hubby will be in Japan.
I'm just confused why we're not able to conceive. I'm convinced I have poor egg quality. The only saving grace is that I'm more at peace with our decision to move forward to try IVF. Since I'm starting my cycle, I can now get my blood tests done on Day 3 so they can start to put in the paperwork with my sinurance. It gives me a lot more peace with these busted cycles. Similar to how I felt in the month before I started clomid. I pray IVF isn't going giving me falso hope the way clomid did.
And I'm more at peace with thinking to myself "We can't have children." That's not too odd. There are plenty of people who can't have children. I mapped out the next cycle already and there's small blessings even there. Hubby is leaving for Japan but our fertile time should fall well before he leaves. Well, pick up the pieces and start again.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Cycle 14: 7 dpo, 97.63 No clue
Today's BBT: 97.63
I have no clue. My temp is steady but maybe it's supposed to be lower. I woke up in the middle of the night for a pee break. I have no idea what time. My BB are definitely less sore...just a little tender.
I went in for my progesterone test today...it's CD 22.
My weight is down to 180.0. I use the term down loosely...since I was at 171 at the beginning of this summer. IF depression and cycles of emotional rollercoasters have taken a toll. I went for a hour walk today. I will get to looking normal. I will.
I have no clue. My temp is steady but maybe it's supposed to be lower. I woke up in the middle of the night for a pee break. I have no idea what time. My BB are definitely less sore...just a little tender.
I went in for my progesterone test today...it's CD 22.
My weight is down to 180.0. I use the term down loosely...since I was at 171 at the beginning of this summer. IF depression and cycles of emotional rollercoasters have taken a toll. I went for a hour walk today. I will get to looking normal. I will.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Cycle 14: 6 dpo Sore BB (Natural Cycle)
Today's Basal Body Temp: 97.56
I don't know...yesterday's body temp was 97.8. That and the sore bb's showed up yesterday. I had exercise class and I had to forget the arms and just pin my chest when there was a lot of jumping or bouncing. Hope increased exponentially. I was so sure that this was the month. Also, fertility friend told me that if we conceive this cycle, my estimated due date would be early May. May has not been kind to me. Two May's ago, I had my miscarriage. This past May, I had a family tragedy. I hated May. Please give me a reason to LOVE May.
Today's body temp at 97.56 which is the norm for my post-ovulation stilted my excitement a little. I can't believe I have to endure 9 more days of this before I find out whether or not this cycle ends or continues.
The boobies are still sore. The other odd thing is that today marked the eleventh day of High fertility according to my OPK with a Peak day near the beginning. I have been looking at the sticks...the test line is like non-existent. could my stupid monitor be broken. I'm upset that I used 11 sticks just for this month. I'm not using it tomorrow. That's a third of my supply and I had just ordered a new box. Sheesh.
I emailed my doctor and asked to take a progresterone test. I should have gone in today but didn't have time. Am going to go in the morning tomorrow. I hope my doctor remembered to put the request in. One time she forgot and I have thus only tested my progresterone one time.
It was sixteen last month on a clomid cycle.
I don't know...yesterday's body temp was 97.8. That and the sore bb's showed up yesterday. I had exercise class and I had to forget the arms and just pin my chest when there was a lot of jumping or bouncing. Hope increased exponentially. I was so sure that this was the month. Also, fertility friend told me that if we conceive this cycle, my estimated due date would be early May. May has not been kind to me. Two May's ago, I had my miscarriage. This past May, I had a family tragedy. I hated May. Please give me a reason to LOVE May.
Today's body temp at 97.56 which is the norm for my post-ovulation stilted my excitement a little. I can't believe I have to endure 9 more days of this before I find out whether or not this cycle ends or continues.
The boobies are still sore. The other odd thing is that today marked the eleventh day of High fertility according to my OPK with a Peak day near the beginning. I have been looking at the sticks...the test line is like non-existent. could my stupid monitor be broken. I'm upset that I used 11 sticks just for this month. I'm not using it tomorrow. That's a third of my supply and I had just ordered a new box. Sheesh.
I emailed my doctor and asked to take a progresterone test. I should have gone in today but didn't have time. Am going to go in the morning tomorrow. I hope my doctor remembered to put the request in. One time she forgot and I have thus only tested my progresterone one time.
It was sixteen last month on a clomid cycle.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Cycle 14: 4dpo Trying to lose vacation weight
Today's BBT: 97.56
Oh, at first it was such a relief to have decided on IVF so knowing that we're moving forward. It's nice to see how my body is reacting for the first month without clomid in five months. I've also been off the midnight shift in almost 8 months so it's nice to think my body has had time to recoup and getting used to sleeping at night...every night. But, as usual, hope has just soared to enormous heights for this cycle. We went on a trip to LA and already have a name picked out for our baby conceived on our trip...and we even have the nickname already. I ovulated perfectly...my body temperatures have been consistent...I've been waking and sleeping on regular schedules. I'm cutting down on caffeine.
Some strange oddities...maybe concern...I'm wondering if my ovulator detector is broken. I usually have 2 days of high fertility, followed by 2 days of peak fertility followed by 2 days of high fertility. This time I had 3 days of high fertility, 1 day of peak fertility, and now I'm like on my fifth day of high fertility after the peak. What the heck? I tried to google it but couldn't find anything really.
I've also trying to battle my weight. THe past month, I gained alot of weight. I've gone up ten pounds since the beginning of summer. Last cycle, I just ate so much during the 2 week wait and waiting to test and just trying to get through each day of waiting. Then I tested negative and ate to make myself feel better. Then I put on five pounds on our vacation..seriously, in just one week. So, I'm trying to cut down on my soda intake...I can easily have three cokes each day. Just trying to cut it down to 1.5 to 2 is an amazing change for me. I'm down 1-2 pounds in this past week. Most of it was probably just water weight from vacation because who gains five pounds in one week and then loses two pounds in three days.
Oh, at first it was such a relief to have decided on IVF so knowing that we're moving forward. It's nice to see how my body is reacting for the first month without clomid in five months. I've also been off the midnight shift in almost 8 months so it's nice to think my body has had time to recoup and getting used to sleeping at night...every night. But, as usual, hope has just soared to enormous heights for this cycle. We went on a trip to LA and already have a name picked out for our baby conceived on our trip...and we even have the nickname already. I ovulated perfectly...my body temperatures have been consistent...I've been waking and sleeping on regular schedules. I'm cutting down on caffeine.
Some strange oddities...maybe concern...I'm wondering if my ovulator detector is broken. I usually have 2 days of high fertility, followed by 2 days of peak fertility followed by 2 days of high fertility. This time I had 3 days of high fertility, 1 day of peak fertility, and now I'm like on my fifth day of high fertility after the peak. What the heck? I tried to google it but couldn't find anything really.
I've also trying to battle my weight. THe past month, I gained alot of weight. I've gone up ten pounds since the beginning of summer. Last cycle, I just ate so much during the 2 week wait and waiting to test and just trying to get through each day of waiting. Then I tested negative and ate to make myself feel better. Then I put on five pounds on our vacation..seriously, in just one week. So, I'm trying to cut down on my soda intake...I can easily have three cokes each day. Just trying to cut it down to 1.5 to 2 is an amazing change for me. I'm down 1-2 pounds in this past week. Most of it was probably just water weight from vacation because who gains five pounds in one week and then loses two pounds in three days.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Cycle 14: CD 12 Natural Cycle (hoping for Dodger)
BBT: 96.62
Ovulation: High fertility test yesterday
I wasn't able to take a fertility pee test this morning but since it was high yesterday, I'm guessing it's high today and it will peak tomorrow. This is a natural cycle...I turned down clomid and IUI so we could move forward with applying for IVF.
IVF warm-up:
I called the doctor to get a pelvic exam and tests. The nurse said that God must be smiling on me because, amazingly, there was an opening just three days later. Someone must have canceled because the doctor didn't have an opening for a month after that. I arrived and she did some test but told me that I needed blood tests on day three of my cycle (I was on day 7). Boy I wish they told me that when I was just about to start AF. Anyways, so that will be next cycle. My husband has to have some blood tests and another semen analysis. Then the doctor can put those papers through to my health insurance to get clearance to move ahead. So, probably another two or three months.
Hoping for Dodger:
Hubby and I are in LA celebrating a slightly belated anniversary. We went to Disneyland and to watch the Dodgers' play. My hubby's favorite team. I was real curious how I would do after clomid. I'm doing perfect. According to my clear blue fertility monitor, I'm going to ovulate in a few days...right on time. I don't know why we don't get pregnant. So, we're moving ahead with IVF but really praying that it happens naturally before we have to get to that point. Since we're in fertile time, we have a really huge hope, a dream, that we're going to conceive. Our nickname for the baby will be Dodger. I just saw a sermon the other week about not dumb-ing down your dreams just because conditions look bleak. So, back to having huge dreams. Come home Dodger...we already got your cute nickname and the story to go with it.
Ovulation: High fertility test yesterday
I wasn't able to take a fertility pee test this morning but since it was high yesterday, I'm guessing it's high today and it will peak tomorrow. This is a natural cycle...I turned down clomid and IUI so we could move forward with applying for IVF.
IVF warm-up:
I called the doctor to get a pelvic exam and tests. The nurse said that God must be smiling on me because, amazingly, there was an opening just three days later. Someone must have canceled because the doctor didn't have an opening for a month after that. I arrived and she did some test but told me that I needed blood tests on day three of my cycle (I was on day 7). Boy I wish they told me that when I was just about to start AF. Anyways, so that will be next cycle. My husband has to have some blood tests and another semen analysis. Then the doctor can put those papers through to my health insurance to get clearance to move ahead. So, probably another two or three months.
Hoping for Dodger:
Hubby and I are in LA celebrating a slightly belated anniversary. We went to Disneyland and to watch the Dodgers' play. My hubby's favorite team. I was real curious how I would do after clomid. I'm doing perfect. According to my clear blue fertility monitor, I'm going to ovulate in a few days...right on time. I don't know why we don't get pregnant. So, we're moving ahead with IVF but really praying that it happens naturally before we have to get to that point. Since we're in fertile time, we have a really huge hope, a dream, that we're going to conceive. Our nickname for the baby will be Dodger. I just saw a sermon the other week about not dumb-ing down your dreams just because conditions look bleak. So, back to having huge dreams. Come home Dodger...we already got your cute nickname and the story to go with it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Cycle 13: 13 dpo (14dpiui) Big temp drop-FAIL
Morning body temp: 97.23
This morning is the roughest I've had. I was really praying last night. If my temp stayed high, I was planning on testing on Tuesday (tomorrow), also when I'm expecting AF...and Tuesday (tomorrow) is our 2 year anniversary. I just thought this would be the most amazing time...I couldn't ask for a better day...even better than getting pregnant on my birthday. Also, our close friends just tested positive a week ago so if we tested positive now...our babies would just be a few days apart. I couldn't help but get so excited especially with my temps staying rock solid.
last night, I finally slept real well (we had the air con on and I was all snuggled up)...and my morning temp...97.23 (yesterday was 97.8). I already got that sinking feeling because I was watching the numbers climb and they were already going slow in the upper 96. I realized that I would be lucky to get out of the 96 degree range.
I seriously cried a lot...and got angry. I got angry at God. I feel like I'm being punished or tested. If it is neither of the above, then I'm suffering through this for no real reason. I've tried so hard this past year and half to stay positive and stay faithful and a I get so angry when I feel like it has got me nowhere. The hubby came in and I was crying and just telling me how mad I was. He then tried to make me feel better by telling me that I'm blessed and that I should be happy. Which of course made me feel worse and I got so mad, I stormed out of the house and drove around the nearest botanical garden to calm down.
It took a while but watching "Ruby" kind of inspired me again to get up and keep moving on. I'm scared to have to do IVF especially since I've been excited to try things like clomid and IUIs and they didn't bring us success. I'd really be happy to NOT have to resort to IVF, so I'm praying that God rescues me.
Guessing that tomorrow is AF day...unless she's tardy and Wednesday. Already ordered a new batch of fertility monitor test sticks...just resorting myself back to the grind. Meeting with someone tomorrow who has gone through this and is a strong christian woman. I don't know what I'm going to ask but I'm really looking forward to it.
This morning is the roughest I've had. I was really praying last night. If my temp stayed high, I was planning on testing on Tuesday (tomorrow), also when I'm expecting AF...and Tuesday (tomorrow) is our 2 year anniversary. I just thought this would be the most amazing time...I couldn't ask for a better day...even better than getting pregnant on my birthday. Also, our close friends just tested positive a week ago so if we tested positive now...our babies would just be a few days apart. I couldn't help but get so excited especially with my temps staying rock solid.
last night, I finally slept real well (we had the air con on and I was all snuggled up)...and my morning temp...97.23 (yesterday was 97.8). I already got that sinking feeling because I was watching the numbers climb and they were already going slow in the upper 96. I realized that I would be lucky to get out of the 96 degree range.
I seriously cried a lot...and got angry. I got angry at God. I feel like I'm being punished or tested. If it is neither of the above, then I'm suffering through this for no real reason. I've tried so hard this past year and half to stay positive and stay faithful and a I get so angry when I feel like it has got me nowhere. The hubby came in and I was crying and just telling me how mad I was. He then tried to make me feel better by telling me that I'm blessed and that I should be happy. Which of course made me feel worse and I got so mad, I stormed out of the house and drove around the nearest botanical garden to calm down.
It took a while but watching "Ruby" kind of inspired me again to get up and keep moving on. I'm scared to have to do IVF especially since I've been excited to try things like clomid and IUIs and they didn't bring us success. I'd really be happy to NOT have to resort to IVF, so I'm praying that God rescues me.
Guessing that tomorrow is AF day...unless she's tardy and Wednesday. Already ordered a new batch of fertility monitor test sticks...just resorting myself back to the grind. Meeting with someone tomorrow who has gone through this and is a strong christian woman. I don't know what I'm going to ask but I'm really looking forward to it.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Cycle 13: 12 dpo (13 dpiui) Tender BB still
Body Temperature: 97.7
Man, hope just cling in there...She can probably live another day or two. It may come crashing down tomorrow with the morning's temperature. Or it could live on another day or two. So, my temp drop went back up yesterday but I couldn't really call it valid. I must have had only 3 or 4 hours sleep when I woke up in the middle of the night. I took my temp and it was 97.8. I fell asleep another two hours and it was 97.78. Well, I can't count those because I didn't really have a full night of sleep.
Last night, I fell asleep a little earlier but I must have woken up before sunrise...so I took my temp again. Had to use my cell phone to light the thermometer reading. 97.7
why can't I sleep all the way through the night? One, I'm taking allergy pills which can give you restless sleep and 2...its so hot that i'm drinking a lot more water at night. I can never make it 8 hour without a bathroom break.
So I took a pee test this morning, hope starting to grow...and BFN. So, of course, I'm googling people who got negatives to find out they're pregnant later. I mean, I'm gradually telling people that Scott and I are moving on to IVF in a few months...but I keep thinking...what if this is it. Our anniversary is in two days. I have had a crappy year...but I have faith that God is turning it around. This would be like the best plot twist...make my life a true movie moment. A Walt Disney movie that has you crying. Please please please, Lord.
My boobies are still tender...this has been quite a few days. Never gone this long. If I'm not pregnant, it just means my progesterone is kicking in hard this month...even though the blood test level didn't seem that high. I've never had it tested before...maybe I had super low progesterone which is why my boobies were only tender for a day or two. I love you baby Joash. Could the two days of 97.4 be implantation dips? Fertility friend predicted my ovulation day at CD 16....let this just be a late implantation and my positive is coming!!!! Here's hoping and praying.
Man, hope just cling in there...She can probably live another day or two. It may come crashing down tomorrow with the morning's temperature. Or it could live on another day or two. So, my temp drop went back up yesterday but I couldn't really call it valid. I must have had only 3 or 4 hours sleep when I woke up in the middle of the night. I took my temp and it was 97.8. I fell asleep another two hours and it was 97.78. Well, I can't count those because I didn't really have a full night of sleep.
Last night, I fell asleep a little earlier but I must have woken up before sunrise...so I took my temp again. Had to use my cell phone to light the thermometer reading. 97.7
why can't I sleep all the way through the night? One, I'm taking allergy pills which can give you restless sleep and 2...its so hot that i'm drinking a lot more water at night. I can never make it 8 hour without a bathroom break.
So I took a pee test this morning, hope starting to grow...and BFN. So, of course, I'm googling people who got negatives to find out they're pregnant later. I mean, I'm gradually telling people that Scott and I are moving on to IVF in a few months...but I keep thinking...what if this is it. Our anniversary is in two days. I have had a crappy year...but I have faith that God is turning it around. This would be like the best plot twist...make my life a true movie moment. A Walt Disney movie that has you crying. Please please please, Lord.
My boobies are still tender...this has been quite a few days. Never gone this long. If I'm not pregnant, it just means my progesterone is kicking in hard this month...even though the blood test level didn't seem that high. I've never had it tested before...maybe I had super low progesterone which is why my boobies were only tender for a day or two. I love you baby Joash. Could the two days of 97.4 be implantation dips? Fertility friend predicted my ovulation day at CD 16....let this just be a late implantation and my positive is coming!!!! Here's hoping and praying.
Friday, July 24, 2009
10 dpiui BBT drop sore boobs
Todays body temp: 97.43
Today was a tough day. I cried a lot. I didn't rest very well last night. I went to bed a little before one and woke up at 4:00...didn't know why so I used the bathroom and tried to fall back asleep. I woke up again at 6:30 and this time I took my temp before going to the bathroom again.
97.43 (yesterday was 97.80)
I slept so little that my temp should be higher than normal. I am trying to justify it with a number of reason. One, I usually take my temp at 9:30 or 10:00 am when my bedroom has been warmed and i'm hot from the morning sun. Then, I've been counting this as 10 dpo, but it really looks like it is 9 dpo...maybe even 8. To early for temp drops...maybe it could be an implantation dip.
But most of me is just depressed with the knowledge that this perfect cycle is a bust. I called my doctor and said I want to skip the last month of clomid and go ahead with IVF. I'm really glad I did but now I"m worried because I know the process is still a few months away and a few months long. And we have atrip planned in October so I pray that it doesn't screw up our timeline and we have to postpone this farther. October is my birthday and that would be the worst birthday event ever.
I realized that I still have some chance after realizing that I've just been counting dpo as the days after my first positive on the ovulator. My temps indicate that I probably ovulated on day fifteen or day 16 (according to fertility friend), so I may not even have implantation yet. It's amazing how grief can consume you but then hope...damn hope just fights its way back in.
I was more depressed because Tuesday is our anniversary and I just thought, Monday is when I would test and know for sure....what a wonderful anniversary gift...the best gift I could give my hubby. He's going to be an amazing father.
Today was a tough day. I cried a lot. I didn't rest very well last night. I went to bed a little before one and woke up at 4:00...didn't know why so I used the bathroom and tried to fall back asleep. I woke up again at 6:30 and this time I took my temp before going to the bathroom again.
97.43 (yesterday was 97.80)
I slept so little that my temp should be higher than normal. I am trying to justify it with a number of reason. One, I usually take my temp at 9:30 or 10:00 am when my bedroom has been warmed and i'm hot from the morning sun. Then, I've been counting this as 10 dpo, but it really looks like it is 9 dpo...maybe even 8. To early for temp drops...maybe it could be an implantation dip.
But most of me is just depressed with the knowledge that this perfect cycle is a bust. I called my doctor and said I want to skip the last month of clomid and go ahead with IVF. I'm really glad I did but now I"m worried because I know the process is still a few months away and a few months long. And we have atrip planned in October so I pray that it doesn't screw up our timeline and we have to postpone this farther. October is my birthday and that would be the worst birthday event ever.
I realized that I still have some chance after realizing that I've just been counting dpo as the days after my first positive on the ovulator. My temps indicate that I probably ovulated on day fifteen or day 16 (according to fertility friend), so I may not even have implantation yet. It's amazing how grief can consume you but then hope...damn hope just fights its way back in.
I was more depressed because Tuesday is our anniversary and I just thought, Monday is when I would test and know for sure....what a wonderful anniversary gift...the best gift I could give my hubby. He's going to be an amazing father.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Cycle 13: 9 dpiui #2 BFN Prog=16
Basal Body Temp: 97.80
Hom pregnancy test in the morning: Big fat negative
So boobs are really sensitive, started last night. I really noticed today because I tried to jog a mile on the treadmill and looked stupid trying to pin my arms against my chests because they were so sensitive to the movement. So, that's on par with the past few cycles. No nausea....I love to eat. No mood swings except I'm irritated with people, but that's a regular occurence. No excessive trips to the bathroom. No symptoms.
I'm glad my basal body temperature is up but I know the more tellin days will be what happens in the next three days. Plus, the scientist in me loves it's quantitative nature. It's data. It's a number that can be studied and compared with other numbers. It's not subjective like ...say...my boobs and their tenderness. Is this month's soreness more or less than last month...is it different in sensation? Nope, can't tell you that. But I can look at my past months and say, yes, 9 days after ovulation mos ttemps weren't this high but there were some months it was.
The doctor called me with my blood tests results to check if I had ovulated. She said it confirmed I had. A total value of "16." I was a little disappointed. I know they want you over fifteen if you are on a medicated cycle and she says she didn't want it to be too high because that might indicate multiple follicles which meant multiple babies. Um, that's what I'm praying for. So, I walked to the gym after that call trying not to be depressed. But I already just feel like this cycle is a bust. We gave it an unbelievable shot. I ovulated close to day fourteen, my husband and I got in multiple tries in that fertile time period...there's nothing more we could have done more perfect. And yet, I fear my body just can't pull something like this out of the that. Every night, I just look forward to the morning to see what my body temp will tell me.
Hom pregnancy test in the morning: Big fat negative
So boobs are really sensitive, started last night. I really noticed today because I tried to jog a mile on the treadmill and looked stupid trying to pin my arms against my chests because they were so sensitive to the movement. So, that's on par with the past few cycles. No nausea....I love to eat. No mood swings except I'm irritated with people, but that's a regular occurence. No excessive trips to the bathroom. No symptoms.
I'm glad my basal body temperature is up but I know the more tellin days will be what happens in the next three days. Plus, the scientist in me loves it's quantitative nature. It's data. It's a number that can be studied and compared with other numbers. It's not subjective like ...say...my boobs and their tenderness. Is this month's soreness more or less than last month...is it different in sensation? Nope, can't tell you that. But I can look at my past months and say, yes, 9 days after ovulation mos ttemps weren't this high but there were some months it was.
The doctor called me with my blood tests results to check if I had ovulated. She said it confirmed I had. A total value of "16." I was a little disappointed. I know they want you over fifteen if you are on a medicated cycle and she says she didn't want it to be too high because that might indicate multiple follicles which meant multiple babies. Um, that's what I'm praying for. So, I walked to the gym after that call trying not to be depressed. But I already just feel like this cycle is a bust. We gave it an unbelievable shot. I ovulated close to day fourteen, my husband and I got in multiple tries in that fertile time period...there's nothing more we could have done more perfect. And yet, I fear my body just can't pull something like this out of the that. Every night, I just look forward to the morning to see what my body temp will tell me.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Cycle 13: 6 dpiui #2
Temp today: 97.81
But I did wake up two hours before that to peek quickly. I was so exhausted, I couldn't fathom taking my temp then.
Absolutely nothing. no sore boobs, which I did have last cycle at this time. That's so loopy, it comes or doesn't come at such odd times.
Tomorrow, I'm going to drop by the clinic and see if I can do the blood draw to check for ovulation. Last time, the doctor forgot to put in the order. This time, she reassured me she would put in the order, but she also didn't tell me what day she wanted to have it done. I'm assuming it's CD 21 so that would be tomorrow.
I have to do a maternity session with a ex-coworker who began TTC when I did. She also had a miscarriage three months after me, I got pregnant first. The difference is...after a few months, she got pregnant again...and now she's getting ready to have her baby girl. I kept putting it off because I was hoping when we talked about babies and I know she'll ask how we're doing...I wanted to say "yup, we are." I can't say "yes" and I can't put it off anymore. Fortunately, I'm at peace with where I am in this journey so I'm not dreading it. Just would be tons better if I was.
I also have the sneaking suspicion that good friends of me and my husband are pregnant again. They mentioned wanting to start trying for their second before the end of the year...and I swear she looks a little thicker in the waist. Of course, how in the world could I say that to someone. But I wonder why they wouldn't tell us...her hubby and my hubby are best buds, they talk everyday. I would hate it if they aren't telling us because they are waiting for us to get pregnant so we won't feel bad. I hate pity. It makes me feel worse. I guess we'll see.
But I did wake up two hours before that to peek quickly. I was so exhausted, I couldn't fathom taking my temp then.
Absolutely nothing. no sore boobs, which I did have last cycle at this time. That's so loopy, it comes or doesn't come at such odd times.
Tomorrow, I'm going to drop by the clinic and see if I can do the blood draw to check for ovulation. Last time, the doctor forgot to put in the order. This time, she reassured me she would put in the order, but she also didn't tell me what day she wanted to have it done. I'm assuming it's CD 21 so that would be tomorrow.
I have to do a maternity session with a ex-coworker who began TTC when I did. She also had a miscarriage three months after me, I got pregnant first. The difference is...after a few months, she got pregnant again...and now she's getting ready to have her baby girl. I kept putting it off because I was hoping when we talked about babies and I know she'll ask how we're doing...I wanted to say "yup, we are." I can't say "yes" and I can't put it off anymore. Fortunately, I'm at peace with where I am in this journey so I'm not dreading it. Just would be tons better if I was.
I also have the sneaking suspicion that good friends of me and my husband are pregnant again. They mentioned wanting to start trying for their second before the end of the year...and I swear she looks a little thicker in the waist. Of course, how in the world could I say that to someone. But I wonder why they wouldn't tell us...her hubby and my hubby are best buds, they talk everyday. I would hate it if they aren't telling us because they are waiting for us to get pregnant so we won't feel bad. I hate pity. It makes me feel worse. I guess we'll see.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Cycle 13; 1 dp IUI #2
This is month 5 of my 6 month clomid run.
My husband and I are feeling real hopeful. We're hoping this is a really great shot at having a baby.
When I saw my doctor for the beginning of this cycle, I told her that we were feelign really discouraged. We looked at adoption but it cost twice as much as we thought it was going to. We thought it was going to be $12000 but the fees are much more than that. Our friend who went through the same adoption agency said they spent about $20,000 although apparently you get like a $10,000 tax credit. The program brochure also said that the program can take about 3-4 years. I kept thinking...I might be 35 before I have my first child. I'm really in favor of IVF now. We could go through IVF at least 2 or three times in the same time frame.
My doctor wants me to finish out the clomid run. She said the chances of us getting pregnant are still pretty high. Just as high as in month three. she says she got pregnant on her sixth month of clomid. So, the plan is ...
two more months of clomid (in the middle of the second to last)
a required 2 month break from drugs
Then IVF
So hubby and I are praying that we don't need to wait that long...that we get pregnant just on the clomid. This month feels really good. TMI but we have been able to try at home a lot. usually, we can "try" 1 or 2 times or maybe just once somewhat near the fertile time but have been too busy. This past weekend, we got to "try" a lot. My fertility monitor was showing low fertility so I figured might as well get the natural tries in as much as possible because as you approach ovulation...you should have the man abstain from sex for two days.
So, I estimated that our IUI wouldn't be to Tuesday...maybe even Wednesday. So we had some fun late Sunday night. Well, Monady morning, the ovulation kit showed a positive for ovulation so I called the clinic. Turns out that Tuesday was full so they wanted me to come in that afternoon. We were super worried because instead of abstaining 2-3 days, my husband had only a 10 hour abstinence period. Well, that's all we got.
Except the doctor told me right before the IUI that my husband's count was really good, 43 million. I made sure to tell the hubby to inflate his healthy ego even more. So that was yesterday. Again, despite the usual discomfort of a speculum, I didn't feel anything and I'm real real appreciative of how easy the IUI process is. My husband and I are going to do one last baby dance tonight to cover our bases. And then we're praying that these two weeks fly by and grow us healthy babies...I'm praying for twins!!!
My husband and I are feeling real hopeful. We're hoping this is a really great shot at having a baby.
When I saw my doctor for the beginning of this cycle, I told her that we were feelign really discouraged. We looked at adoption but it cost twice as much as we thought it was going to. We thought it was going to be $12000 but the fees are much more than that. Our friend who went through the same adoption agency said they spent about $20,000 although apparently you get like a $10,000 tax credit. The program brochure also said that the program can take about 3-4 years. I kept thinking...I might be 35 before I have my first child. I'm really in favor of IVF now. We could go through IVF at least 2 or three times in the same time frame.
My doctor wants me to finish out the clomid run. She said the chances of us getting pregnant are still pretty high. Just as high as in month three. she says she got pregnant on her sixth month of clomid. So, the plan is ...
two more months of clomid (in the middle of the second to last)
a required 2 month break from drugs
Then IVF
So hubby and I are praying that we don't need to wait that long...that we get pregnant just on the clomid. This month feels really good. TMI but we have been able to try at home a lot. usually, we can "try" 1 or 2 times or maybe just once somewhat near the fertile time but have been too busy. This past weekend, we got to "try" a lot. My fertility monitor was showing low fertility so I figured might as well get the natural tries in as much as possible because as you approach ovulation...you should have the man abstain from sex for two days.
So, I estimated that our IUI wouldn't be to Tuesday...maybe even Wednesday. So we had some fun late Sunday night. Well, Monady morning, the ovulation kit showed a positive for ovulation so I called the clinic. Turns out that Tuesday was full so they wanted me to come in that afternoon. We were super worried because instead of abstaining 2-3 days, my husband had only a 10 hour abstinence period. Well, that's all we got.
Except the doctor told me right before the IUI that my husband's count was really good, 43 million. I made sure to tell the hubby to inflate his healthy ego even more. So that was yesterday. Again, despite the usual discomfort of a speculum, I didn't feel anything and I'm real real appreciative of how easy the IUI process is. My husband and I are going to do one last baby dance tonight to cover our bases. And then we're praying that these two weeks fly by and grow us healthy babies...I'm praying for twins!!!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Cycle 12: 11 dpiui, sore boobs, temp 97.66
BBT: 97.66
Well, it's still holding...but it's down .1 from yesterday. Course, yesterday's might be high because I didn't sleep much...and sites say not to judge slight drops and rises, it's all about the coverline. Of course, this is just me doing the 2ww justifying. Explain away anything.
My boobs started to hurt more last night. Doesn't mean anything because this ties in to when I got sore boobs last cycle. I'll just be interested what happens the next three days. Sigh. Please please please. I'm praying for twins. I'm praying for my babies.
Well, it's still holding...but it's down .1 from yesterday. Course, yesterday's might be high because I didn't sleep much...and sites say not to judge slight drops and rises, it's all about the coverline. Of course, this is just me doing the 2ww justifying. Explain away anything.
My boobs started to hurt more last night. Doesn't mean anything because this ties in to when I got sore boobs last cycle. I'll just be interested what happens the next three days. Sigh. Please please please. I'm praying for twins. I'm praying for my babies.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Cycle 12: 10 dpiui boobs minimal sore, tem midline
Mornings temp: 97.7
But I did wake up at 3:30 in the morning so this one wasn't after a full night of sleep. Drank too much water and had to pee badly. Other than that...no other symptoms. Not especially tired. no cramps. Oh, I'm trying to hang in there. I was feeling really hopeless the past couple days. Just reading the probability and percentages just depressed me.
I'm trying desperately to cling to just a little hope. It's not over until it's over. We're going on a trip in 6 weeks and my husband is trying to figure out alternatives because he had amusement parks on our visit. He says "Oh, we'll have to do something else instead because you'll be pregnant by then." I just sighed. Oh, I want to have faith. I just want to stop putting my life on hold and living that way.
So I figure...by studying the cycles...that most likely, I can probably test on Monday which will be 13 dpiui. I'll be praying that my temps stay up. Since I don't have symptoms I hope that it is just because sometimes the baby doesn't implant until 10 after ovulation. Get in there baby. Oh, I'm praying for twins. Get in there babies.
I haven't been praying much. Guess I kind of thought it wasn't really making a difference. I'm praying now.
But I did wake up at 3:30 in the morning so this one wasn't after a full night of sleep. Drank too much water and had to pee badly. Other than that...no other symptoms. Not especially tired. no cramps. Oh, I'm trying to hang in there. I was feeling really hopeless the past couple days. Just reading the probability and percentages just depressed me.
I'm trying desperately to cling to just a little hope. It's not over until it's over. We're going on a trip in 6 weeks and my husband is trying to figure out alternatives because he had amusement parks on our visit. He says "Oh, we'll have to do something else instead because you'll be pregnant by then." I just sighed. Oh, I want to have faith. I just want to stop putting my life on hold and living that way.
So I figure...by studying the cycles...that most likely, I can probably test on Monday which will be 13 dpiui. I'll be praying that my temps stay up. Since I don't have symptoms I hope that it is just because sometimes the baby doesn't implant until 10 after ovulation. Get in there baby. Oh, I'm praying for twins. Get in there babies.
I haven't been praying much. Guess I kind of thought it wasn't really making a difference. I'm praying now.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Cycle 12: 8 dpiui #1
So yesterday, I felt really hopeless. Just reading the statistics on how long it takes to get pregnant using IUI....my only hope is that just the fact that I'm on my fourth cycle of clomid gives me a better chance.
So, at day 8 past IUI, I figure I have another four days to wait until I can reasonable pee on a stick test.
I've read a lot of other blogs and people can pee test every day from 9 days until whenever...I don't know how they do it. Those tests just cost so much money, it adds up. They're like gold to me.
So I mainly want to document the sore boobies. Now with clomid, I get the sore BB's right before my AF and they stop hurting a day or two before AF arrives. I just want to figure out when they start. They don't seem as sensitive today or yesterday as they did on 6 dpiui. I feel like an insane person as I grope myself to figure out if they hurt. The left side always hurts more...the right side doesn't feel anything today. That's how it was when I got pregnant the first time.
I finally went to teh store yesterday and got some caffeine free coke. I've been drinking coke like there's no tomorrow...so bad. So, i finally got some caffeine free which tastes the same to me. I worked out last night for the first time in like three weeks. I sprained my ankle after trying to start exercising after three months of nothingness and eating out. Today, I'm heavier than yesterday. I know that happens so I'm not too surprised. I'll just keep at it and I'll know that it will pay off.
I'm watching Jail. Man I feel so bad for police officers. They have crazy tough jobs.
So, at day 8 past IUI, I figure I have another four days to wait until I can reasonable pee on a stick test.
I've read a lot of other blogs and people can pee test every day from 9 days until whenever...I don't know how they do it. Those tests just cost so much money, it adds up. They're like gold to me.
So I mainly want to document the sore boobies. Now with clomid, I get the sore BB's right before my AF and they stop hurting a day or two before AF arrives. I just want to figure out when they start. They don't seem as sensitive today or yesterday as they did on 6 dpiui. I feel like an insane person as I grope myself to figure out if they hurt. The left side always hurts more...the right side doesn't feel anything today. That's how it was when I got pregnant the first time.
I finally went to teh store yesterday and got some caffeine free coke. I've been drinking coke like there's no tomorrow...so bad. So, i finally got some caffeine free which tastes the same to me. I worked out last night for the first time in like three weeks. I sprained my ankle after trying to start exercising after three months of nothingness and eating out. Today, I'm heavier than yesterday. I know that happens so I'm not too surprised. I'll just keep at it and I'll know that it will pay off.
I'm watching Jail. Man I feel so bad for police officers. They have crazy tough jobs.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Cycle 12: 7 dpiui
So I'm at day seven after my first IUI.
I feel hopeless and I'm only halfway through the two weeks waiting. googled "7 dpiui" and the two blogs that came up were posts that were two years ago. Both are pregnant now...two years after the IUI. Then I read that the success rate of IUI are only 10-20% so getting pregnant on your first IUI is really rare.
What utterly depressing research. My thermometer is broken so I can't even track my basal body temperature. I'm really praying that this is IT...this is the cycle...so I don't have to try to get a good BBT thermometer for another cycle...the shipping takes too long and costs money. I think I'll try the local store tonight and check if they have.
At least my cold seems to be gone. All the sleep kept me so rested that I stayed up til 5 am and I had to wake up at 8 am. Still feeling really awake, no doubt having slept for like sixteen hours yesterday. Only thing left is my sore throat.
I went to the blood lab today to get my progesterone checked. They were confused since my gyno never put in an order and she was out for the day. so I sat there for 30 minutes trying to fight the urge to cough (remnants of my cold) until they told me they would try to get ahold of her tomorrow and call me to come in. I didn't mind. I had a good book and love to read.
I feel hopeless and I'm only halfway through the two weeks waiting. googled "7 dpiui" and the two blogs that came up were posts that were two years ago. Both are pregnant now...two years after the IUI. Then I read that the success rate of IUI are only 10-20% so getting pregnant on your first IUI is really rare.
What utterly depressing research. My thermometer is broken so I can't even track my basal body temperature. I'm really praying that this is IT...this is the cycle...so I don't have to try to get a good BBT thermometer for another cycle...the shipping takes too long and costs money. I think I'll try the local store tonight and check if they have.
At least my cold seems to be gone. All the sleep kept me so rested that I stayed up til 5 am and I had to wake up at 8 am. Still feeling really awake, no doubt having slept for like sixteen hours yesterday. Only thing left is my sore throat.
I went to the blood lab today to get my progesterone checked. They were confused since my gyno never put in an order and she was out for the day. so I sat there for 30 minutes trying to fight the urge to cough (remnants of my cold) until they told me they would try to get ahold of her tomorrow and call me to come in. I didn't mind. I had a good book and love to read.
6 dpiui
Is it only six days? Oh geez, I haven't even gone through week 1 of the 2 week waiting. I've been sick so I've been sleeping nonstop for the past two days. I haven't been taking my temperature because my thermometer battery has officially died. I miss my thermometer. We have two others but they're not basal body temp thermometers and they give me funky readings. Like one says I have a temp of 97.3 no matter what time I take it.
My boobs have begun to get sore...which at this early stage is most likely the result of the progesterone increase. It comes early and then disappears right before my period so I always have known when my cycles are a bust. However, I thought I should document it so I know better when to expect teh sore boobies to appear.
I'm also super tired but that goes along with the sore throat from my cold. Too early for any possible pregnancy symptoms. I know babies don't implant until like 10 dpo so pregnancy symptoms won't start until well after that.
I'm going to test at 12 dpo so I figure I'm halfway there. sheesh.
So today, I watched Jon and Kate announce they are separated and the note says that they filed for a divorce. I'm not a big fan of Kate. My sister loves Kate. I think Kate is an amazing mom and woman, just not a great wife. The best advice I got before marriage is to be your husband's biggest cheerleader. Kate is the perfect example of how to do the complete opposite. I always thought they worked great as a team but in their interviews, she put him down in a condescending way "Oh, Jon doesn't do that and Jon doesn't do this" like he was the ninth child. And he would just shrug his shoulders and say "Yah, I'm not good at this and that" and he didn't hesitate to praise Kate "Kate is really good at this and that." I read a newspaper commentary by a man who was irritated at the way Kate berated Jon but angered that Jon just took it. Yah, I think that is where Jon let his marriage get out of control...well, under Kate's control.
Still it made me think about my desire to have kids. When I've gotten super depressed or stressed by my journey, my hubby has said that he feels like I care about having kids more than him. He asks "Wouldn't you be happy if it was just you and me?" And the answer for him is yes. he really wants kids and he prays for children every night as we go to bed. But if God didn't give us kids, Scott would still feel really blessed with just the two of us. I can't say I share that feeling. I've always know i would be a mom, I wanted like ten kids. Now I just want to start with one.
It's obvious Kate loves her kids. They are her life...did she forget about the husband part. she talks about the kids being everything she lives for but I've never heard her express that kind of devotion about her husband. When did Jon get left on the side? How can I not go down that road? i always think I'll be a great mom but a better wife! But I just want to get started on that journey first.
My boobs have begun to get sore...which at this early stage is most likely the result of the progesterone increase. It comes early and then disappears right before my period so I always have known when my cycles are a bust. However, I thought I should document it so I know better when to expect teh sore boobies to appear.
I'm also super tired but that goes along with the sore throat from my cold. Too early for any possible pregnancy symptoms. I know babies don't implant until like 10 dpo so pregnancy symptoms won't start until well after that.
I'm going to test at 12 dpo so I figure I'm halfway there. sheesh.
So today, I watched Jon and Kate announce they are separated and the note says that they filed for a divorce. I'm not a big fan of Kate. My sister loves Kate. I think Kate is an amazing mom and woman, just not a great wife. The best advice I got before marriage is to be your husband's biggest cheerleader. Kate is the perfect example of how to do the complete opposite. I always thought they worked great as a team but in their interviews, she put him down in a condescending way "Oh, Jon doesn't do that and Jon doesn't do this" like he was the ninth child. And he would just shrug his shoulders and say "Yah, I'm not good at this and that" and he didn't hesitate to praise Kate "Kate is really good at this and that." I read a newspaper commentary by a man who was irritated at the way Kate berated Jon but angered that Jon just took it. Yah, I think that is where Jon let his marriage get out of control...well, under Kate's control.
Still it made me think about my desire to have kids. When I've gotten super depressed or stressed by my journey, my hubby has said that he feels like I care about having kids more than him. He asks "Wouldn't you be happy if it was just you and me?" And the answer for him is yes. he really wants kids and he prays for children every night as we go to bed. But if God didn't give us kids, Scott would still feel really blessed with just the two of us. I can't say I share that feeling. I've always know i would be a mom, I wanted like ten kids. Now I just want to start with one.
It's obvious Kate loves her kids. They are her life...did she forget about the husband part. she talks about the kids being everything she lives for but I've never heard her express that kind of devotion about her husband. When did Jon get left on the side? How can I not go down that road? i always think I'll be a great mom but a better wife! But I just want to get started on that journey first.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Cycle 12 Day 17: 3 days past IUI
If you're new to fertility and Trying To Conceive blogs, you'll see 2WW. The 2 weeks waiting between ovulation and the time you can start to detect whether your cycle has a success or failed. And this is when I blog the most. To get me through the days that slowly creep by.
Although I'm real hopeful about the IUI, we certainly didn't try much at all besides the IUI. Just being busy and exhausted. So all my hope is in the IUI. I'm not really beating myself up about it, it's in the past and the IUI sounds like it is a lot more efficient.
The one big relief about getting past my ovulation day is the effect it has on my sleep. I chart my body temperature and take a pee test every morning to test when I might be ovulating. Of course, I'm too scared to miss a day because I didn't want to miss my short window. And I always have to pee...it's what wakes me up. So, I've been waking up at 5:30 am...even on my days off...with the urge to pee. Normally, I would run to the bathroom and slip back in to bed to fall right back to sleep. Not when I'm charting. Instead, I have to fumble around in the dark for my thermometer that I have in a drawer by my bed. I try not to move that much since after you wake up, your body temperature will rise after a few minutes. And moving around can raise it quickly. Then I lie there waiting for what seems like an eternity for the beep that means the thermometer has a temperature reading. So many times, I've dozed off...only to have to wake up and start over. Then I can finally get up, grab the ovulation monitor kit and run to the bathroom.
I was so exhausted... from just waking up so early no matter how late I stayed up...that two days ago...I came home from work and slept for six hours.
So I'm three days past IUI. I usually start my period at about 12 days after ovulationg. So I'm looking at another nine days give or take. Hopefully, I'll be distracted. Another TTC blog that I follow...Pregnant. And Jacqueline, the housewife on Bravo's Real Housewives of NJ, who has been open about her struggles to have another baby. Pregnant. I just read on her blog that she's going to deliver this week. Oh, let there be a wave, and let me be on it!!!
Although I'm real hopeful about the IUI, we certainly didn't try much at all besides the IUI. Just being busy and exhausted. So all my hope is in the IUI. I'm not really beating myself up about it, it's in the past and the IUI sounds like it is a lot more efficient.
The one big relief about getting past my ovulation day is the effect it has on my sleep. I chart my body temperature and take a pee test every morning to test when I might be ovulating. Of course, I'm too scared to miss a day because I didn't want to miss my short window. And I always have to pee...it's what wakes me up. So, I've been waking up at 5:30 am...even on my days off...with the urge to pee. Normally, I would run to the bathroom and slip back in to bed to fall right back to sleep. Not when I'm charting. Instead, I have to fumble around in the dark for my thermometer that I have in a drawer by my bed. I try not to move that much since after you wake up, your body temperature will rise after a few minutes. And moving around can raise it quickly. Then I lie there waiting for what seems like an eternity for the beep that means the thermometer has a temperature reading. So many times, I've dozed off...only to have to wake up and start over. Then I can finally get up, grab the ovulation monitor kit and run to the bathroom.
I was so exhausted... from just waking up so early no matter how late I stayed up...that two days ago...I came home from work and slept for six hours.
So I'm three days past IUI. I usually start my period at about 12 days after ovulationg. So I'm looking at another nine days give or take. Hopefully, I'll be distracted. Another TTC blog that I follow...Pregnant. And Jacqueline, the housewife on Bravo's Real Housewives of NJ, who has been open about her struggles to have another baby. Pregnant. I just read on her blog that she's going to deliver this week. Oh, let there be a wave, and let me be on it!!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
IUI-Day 0
So last month was a wash. I had a HSG where they inject dye into your tubes to check for blockages. I was told by my doctor that this would be a great month to try because the chances of conceiving seem to increase slightly for cycles with HSG. Something about the tubes being all opened up. But my family came to visit right around that crucial fertile time and brought huge drama...like crying for days and everyone calling each other four times a day to talk about what to do. Let's just say, my hubby and I had no time at all and nothing happened in the baby department. I was pretty bitter after my family finally left. One, because I'm mad at my dad for his issues...and two, because they affected my life and hindered something I've been dreaming about. So, I wasn't really surprised when my period came and I'm on to this cycle.
I started month four of clomid and I know my doc said that she doesn't keep people on it for longer than six months. Your uterine lining gets thinner and thinner which is not condusive for babies. So I was wondering what the other options would be. I subscribe to other infertility blogs and in the past month, two of them have gotten pregnant...one with IUI and one with IVF. Hey, these methods work and made me really hopeful. So I asked my doc if we could be more aggressive for cycle 5 of clomid and she asked if I wanted to try an IUI this round. Sure...anything that even slightly betters our chances.
So, I was a little nervewracking about the timing of it all. She said to call the clinic when i had a positive ovulation test and schedule it for the next day. She said if the ovulation test was positive on a Sunday, not to worry, the egg would be okay for a few days. But i didn't really believe that, I've read that the egg is only good for 24 hours...so if by some small chance I ovulated on Sunday...called the clinic on Monday and had the IUI on tuesday, I might have missed my chance. I was praying praying praying. I got the positive ovulation test on Monday (yesterday)...oh thank goodness.
My husband has to give a sample of his ...ummm, genetic contribution to the lab a few hours before my IUI. THe instructions read that he should give his sample to the lab thirty minutes after collection. He has a different insurance so the gyno had given us a collection vial two weeks ago...but I asked the clinic if they had any special rooms he could go in. They said " There are restrooms on the floor." Um, never mind. So we had to just rush from our house to the clinic to make the thirty minutes. And we hit traffic because of an accident...oh, just our luck. I was clutching the vial in my sweaty hand because the instructions said to keep it at room or body temperature. I felt like rolling down my window, waving it outside the window, and screaming at the slow moving cars to get out of the way "We Got Sperm Here!!!"
i was scared about the IUI because I've heard there can be cramping and bleeding. And I hated the HSG...HATED IT!!! I felt like I had been put through a grater. The IUI was awesome. She said that my cervix was open so I shouldn't feel anything. She was also impressed by my husband's sample after the lab was finished. Oh, pretty please. They injected the sperm and then had me lie there in the room for fiteen minutes. I read a book (I love reading...they could have kept me there for an hour if they wanted) and in my mind, I was urging the sperm on.
TMI to follow: I love the IUI because its so much easier than sex. No worrying about using sperm-friendly lubricant that I had to buy from the internet. No having to lie there still for twenty minutes trying to resist the urge to pee. And I know that we got the sperm halfway through their journey and past the more difficult and dangerous part of their journey. Go find the egg!!! get em!!! Oh, it would be awesome if there were two eggs...I would love twins. Of the two fertility blogs that just found out they are pregnant, one had a vanishing twin and the other one has two gestational sacs.
I started month four of clomid and I know my doc said that she doesn't keep people on it for longer than six months. Your uterine lining gets thinner and thinner which is not condusive for babies. So I was wondering what the other options would be. I subscribe to other infertility blogs and in the past month, two of them have gotten pregnant...one with IUI and one with IVF. Hey, these methods work and made me really hopeful. So I asked my doc if we could be more aggressive for cycle 5 of clomid and she asked if I wanted to try an IUI this round. Sure...anything that even slightly betters our chances.
So, I was a little nervewracking about the timing of it all. She said to call the clinic when i had a positive ovulation test and schedule it for the next day. She said if the ovulation test was positive on a Sunday, not to worry, the egg would be okay for a few days. But i didn't really believe that, I've read that the egg is only good for 24 hours...so if by some small chance I ovulated on Sunday...called the clinic on Monday and had the IUI on tuesday, I might have missed my chance. I was praying praying praying. I got the positive ovulation test on Monday (yesterday)...oh thank goodness.
My husband has to give a sample of his ...ummm, genetic contribution to the lab a few hours before my IUI. THe instructions read that he should give his sample to the lab thirty minutes after collection. He has a different insurance so the gyno had given us a collection vial two weeks ago...but I asked the clinic if they had any special rooms he could go in. They said " There are restrooms on the floor." Um, never mind. So we had to just rush from our house to the clinic to make the thirty minutes. And we hit traffic because of an accident...oh, just our luck. I was clutching the vial in my sweaty hand because the instructions said to keep it at room or body temperature. I felt like rolling down my window, waving it outside the window, and screaming at the slow moving cars to get out of the way "We Got Sperm Here!!!"
i was scared about the IUI because I've heard there can be cramping and bleeding. And I hated the HSG...HATED IT!!! I felt like I had been put through a grater. The IUI was awesome. She said that my cervix was open so I shouldn't feel anything. She was also impressed by my husband's sample after the lab was finished. Oh, pretty please. They injected the sperm and then had me lie there in the room for fiteen minutes. I read a book (I love reading...they could have kept me there for an hour if they wanted) and in my mind, I was urging the sperm on.
TMI to follow: I love the IUI because its so much easier than sex. No worrying about using sperm-friendly lubricant that I had to buy from the internet. No having to lie there still for twenty minutes trying to resist the urge to pee. And I know that we got the sperm halfway through their journey and past the more difficult and dangerous part of their journey. Go find the egg!!! get em!!! Oh, it would be awesome if there were two eggs...I would love twins. Of the two fertility blogs that just found out they are pregnant, one had a vanishing twin and the other one has two gestational sacs.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Cycle Day 4 of Month Forever
This is my month. I'm going to fake positivity until I am positivity.
Sorry for the absence but the blogging helps me get through the excruciating hours of the last days of the cycle...the two week wait that lasts two years. The last two days, my temp drop was complicated by the fact that my basal body temperature seemed to be on some sort of fritz. I have two older thermometers that I used as backup but they would give two different readings.
It finally started. And because I had been eating myself through the stress and figuring, if I'm pregnant, I will gain weight anyways...I gained two pounds.
I called my doctor got get checked to being my third cycle of clomid. They like you to take it on day 3 to 7 of your cycle, so I had to get checked out in the first three days. Clomid can increase your chances of ovarian cysts.
She said if I didn't get pregnant this round, I could get an HSG. A test where they inject dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes and use an X-ray to check for any blockages. I was so excited at the idea of the test that she said I could schedule it for this month. So this month is a big month for me.
Next week Tuesday, I have the HSG and then I have an exam on Thursday because my last pap smear showed some abnormalities. This is the month. Most people I saw online got pregnant on the third month. I need to have hope. But I do get tired of hope because it hurts more when it doesn't come true. I still have a little fight left.
This is the month. I will have a baby this February. I think I'm due for a boy, my sister has five girls. He will be our valentines.
Sorry for the absence but the blogging helps me get through the excruciating hours of the last days of the cycle...the two week wait that lasts two years. The last two days, my temp drop was complicated by the fact that my basal body temperature seemed to be on some sort of fritz. I have two older thermometers that I used as backup but they would give two different readings.
It finally started. And because I had been eating myself through the stress and figuring, if I'm pregnant, I will gain weight anyways...I gained two pounds.
I called my doctor got get checked to being my third cycle of clomid. They like you to take it on day 3 to 7 of your cycle, so I had to get checked out in the first three days. Clomid can increase your chances of ovarian cysts.
She said if I didn't get pregnant this round, I could get an HSG. A test where they inject dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes and use an X-ray to check for any blockages. I was so excited at the idea of the test that she said I could schedule it for this month. So this month is a big month for me.
Next week Tuesday, I have the HSG and then I have an exam on Thursday because my last pap smear showed some abnormalities. This is the month. Most people I saw online got pregnant on the third month. I need to have hope. But I do get tired of hope because it hurts more when it doesn't come true. I still have a little fight left.
This is the month. I will have a baby this February. I think I'm due for a boy, my sister has five girls. He will be our valentines.
Monday, May 4, 2009
15 dpo AF is surely coming (temp drop, soreness no more)
Yesterday 14 dpo...woke up with a high temp (97.99) (I had only slept for about 3.5 hrs. but they say you only need 3 uninterrupted hours)...and my boobs were so sore. Both of them. I did think that was strange because that huge increase would probably be more indicative of AF coming than early pregnancy since it's too early and too sudden. But I don't consistently have sore boobs...I have not had them the past three months. Took a pee stick test in the middle of the day, negative. But I'm still hopeful. Absolutely no AF...I think this is it. I can't believe it. I'm days past my normal luteal phase. I already feel different...walking in sort of unbelief.
My high did crash a little when I did more online research (damn google). I read that for some people the clomid extended their luteal phase each cycle more and more and it can create pre-menstrual symptoms that you didn't have before. I hadn't meant to pee on a stick before this morning. I had to work a wedding yesterday and I really didn't want to go all depressed...better to let hope linger. Even with the BFN, I still cling to the hope. I have read online accounts of moms who tested every day and got negative after negative before finally getting a positive late in the game.
This morning 15 dpo...basal body temp 97.22 boobs...completely normal and pain-free
I only slept like four hours and I woke up. I don't know why...I was just wide awake. Still no AF but I brought tampons to work just in case. Strangely, I'm not sad....maybe it's to come. I really had such a great weekend, had a wedding that I worked at (as the wedding photographer) and as a guest (I love the couple and the family).
Now I'm more pondering. Yesterday really showed me how far my photography has come. I've always been really blessed. For some reason, God really blessed me at every point in my life. I know it so I try to make the most of everything and work my hardest. I was a nerd...school was easy for me...I didn't even have to really try. I was great at sports and picked up new skills quickly. Again, I never really mastered anything but was all-around good and made all-star teams for several sports. I sing...I play the guitar...I used to have a knack with kids and babies (I don't know anymore)...and now my photography is taking off and I'm making it to a business. But this, this is the first thing that I can't do...and it's the one thing I really cared about doing.
Especially since my husband got a clean bill of health and his fertility analysis was like an A+. It means...well, it's just me then. I'm the reason we can't do it. I've never encountered this before and I'm not real sure how I'm supposed to walk through this.
I'll see you tomorrow. Here's praying that AF stays away. Stay away....come back next year.
My high did crash a little when I did more online research (damn google). I read that for some people the clomid extended their luteal phase each cycle more and more and it can create pre-menstrual symptoms that you didn't have before. I hadn't meant to pee on a stick before this morning. I had to work a wedding yesterday and I really didn't want to go all depressed...better to let hope linger. Even with the BFN, I still cling to the hope. I have read online accounts of moms who tested every day and got negative after negative before finally getting a positive late in the game.
This morning 15 dpo...basal body temp 97.22 boobs...completely normal and pain-free
I only slept like four hours and I woke up. I don't know why...I was just wide awake. Still no AF but I brought tampons to work just in case. Strangely, I'm not sad....maybe it's to come. I really had such a great weekend, had a wedding that I worked at (as the wedding photographer) and as a guest (I love the couple and the family).
Now I'm more pondering. Yesterday really showed me how far my photography has come. I've always been really blessed. For some reason, God really blessed me at every point in my life. I know it so I try to make the most of everything and work my hardest. I was a nerd...school was easy for me...I didn't even have to really try. I was great at sports and picked up new skills quickly. Again, I never really mastered anything but was all-around good and made all-star teams for several sports. I sing...I play the guitar...I used to have a knack with kids and babies (I don't know anymore)...and now my photography is taking off and I'm making it to a business. But this, this is the first thing that I can't do...and it's the one thing I really cared about doing.
Especially since my husband got a clean bill of health and his fertility analysis was like an A+. It means...well, it's just me then. I'm the reason we can't do it. I've never encountered this before and I'm not real sure how I'm supposed to walk through this.
I'll see you tomorrow. Here's praying that AF stays away. Stay away....come back next year.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
13 dpo, no af, drop in temp, sore boobs
So today is the end of 13 dpo? I think it's 13 dpo...to be honest...I had two days with positive ovulation readings on my electronic ovulation dectection monitor...and then the following day I didn't test for ovulation readings or take my temp. So maybe I ovulated a day later than I thought...so this would only be 12 dpo? Which makes such a difference in my head.
My luteal phase is usually 11 days...last month on the clomid made it 12 days. I know clomid lengthens your luteal phase...but how much...and will it vary from month to month. Because I'm past my usual 11 days...and I'm past last months 12 days. But I can't be sure because I'm guestimating ovulation.
I slept during the day...and my waking temp was 97.44 (down .33 yesterday from 97.77)...that disappointed me. I did wake up with my boobs sore....but I think that's a sign of impending AF. Course, they didn't hurt last month at all, even before AF. See, how your mind struggles to analyze everything. It's crazy. But no AF...please don't come tomorrow. I'm struggling not to take a pee test. I have to photograph a wedding tomorrow and I think I would have a better time going in with help rather than dealing with depression. I'm real sad about the temp drop...still above my coverline. But before i fell asleep, I actually started getting super nervous and even a little scared that I was actually pregnant. Yah, I was scared...but scared because it would feel so unreal...please still let this happen this month.
My luteal phase is usually 11 days...last month on the clomid made it 12 days. I know clomid lengthens your luteal phase...but how much...and will it vary from month to month. Because I'm past my usual 11 days...and I'm past last months 12 days. But I can't be sure because I'm guestimating ovulation.
I slept during the day...and my waking temp was 97.44 (down .33 yesterday from 97.77)...that disappointed me. I did wake up with my boobs sore....but I think that's a sign of impending AF. Course, they didn't hurt last month at all, even before AF. See, how your mind struggles to analyze everything. It's crazy. But no AF...please don't come tomorrow. I'm struggling not to take a pee test. I have to photograph a wedding tomorrow and I think I would have a better time going in with help rather than dealing with depression. I'm real sad about the temp drop...still above my coverline. But before i fell asleep, I actually started getting super nervous and even a little scared that I was actually pregnant. Yah, I was scared...but scared because it would feel so unreal...please still let this happen this month.
Friday, May 1, 2009
12 dpo is excruciating
12 dpo...body temp at 97.88 (up from 97.77 yesterday)
Of course, I did spend twenty seconds rolling around in bed trying to find the thermometer I keep by the bedside. My husband had to turn on the lights and hand it to me. That exertion might have raised it up.
And before I went to sleep...i did a test and it was a big fat negative. I know I shouldn't take the test. Just relax. The past months I've been good and predict my cycle so well that I just wait to see if AF shows up. Today, I just couldn't even fall asleep. So it took it, got a negative and then really couldn't sleep as I just lay there in a depression. The two weeks between ovulation and your period are hard but it's the last two or three days that are pure torture. I can't even go day by day. I swear I go half day by half day. I'm depressed but a part of me is still holding on to hope, which can crash down again making me depressed all over again.
It's Thursday night.
I expect my period halfway through saturday.
Oh my God, can I make it. I have to get a positive result this weekend. Mother's Day weekend is a few weekends away. We're having a huge family reunion and all my family is flying in. I'm going to get the endless question as people look at my sister with her five kids (three are toddlers) about 'when are you going to start?" I want to say. NOW. I'm starting right now!!!
Of course, I did spend twenty seconds rolling around in bed trying to find the thermometer I keep by the bedside. My husband had to turn on the lights and hand it to me. That exertion might have raised it up.
And before I went to sleep...i did a test and it was a big fat negative. I know I shouldn't take the test. Just relax. The past months I've been good and predict my cycle so well that I just wait to see if AF shows up. Today, I just couldn't even fall asleep. So it took it, got a negative and then really couldn't sleep as I just lay there in a depression. The two weeks between ovulation and your period are hard but it's the last two or three days that are pure torture. I can't even go day by day. I swear I go half day by half day. I'm depressed but a part of me is still holding on to hope, which can crash down again making me depressed all over again.
It's Thursday night.
I expect my period halfway through saturday.
Oh my God, can I make it. I have to get a positive result this weekend. Mother's Day weekend is a few weekends away. We're having a huge family reunion and all my family is flying in. I'm going to get the endless question as people look at my sister with her five kids (three are toddlers) about 'when are you going to start?" I want to say. NOW. I'm starting right now!!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
My infertility struggle and TTC journey
I have wanted to have kids since I was a kid. I loved the sequel to "Little Women" called "Jo's Boys" about Josephine who opens an orphanage. I decided that I wanted to have my own orphanage, or at least, have at least nine kids. During high school and college, I plastered pictures of cute babies and Anne Geddes calendars all over my walls.
I met my husband in my late twenties and we got married in July of 2007 (so almost two years ago). We discussed children before we got married. I wanted kids right away...he wanted to wait at least two years so that we could travel. I agreed to wait but I think I was a little resentful...in my head I was already calculating the time frame. I was twenty eight when we got married... that would mean...32 when pregnant....33 with first baby...wait 2-3 years until trying for second baby. I know health risks go up with age so I want to have all my kids before 35. hey, that won't give us much time. So I wasn't too happy...but then six months into marriage...he not too excitedly said we could start trying.
December 2007 (MONTH 0)-stopped taking BCP (birth control pills) about a week before New Years Eve already started dreaming of having our baby in the fall
Jan 2008- Nothing. It hasn't even been a full month...but my sister got pregnant after just missing one of her birth control pills.
Feb 2008- a little disappointed after getting my second AF.
April 2008 (MONTH 4)-still no pregnancy. Now I'm just crying when I get my period. My husband doesn't understand and we inevitably have a fight whenever I do finally get my period. One time I got it right after we had sex so from then on, I didn't even want to have sex near the end of my cycle. I am convinced that sex can bring on AF. My husband and I argue...he feels like I care more about having a baby than him. I feel that I'm the only one making it a priority and putting it on our calendar and thinking about when a good time to try. He agrees to make more of an effort.
May 2008 (MONTH 5): the first weekend of may, I take a pregnancy test in the early morning. I've been taking them on exactly day 28 of every cycle. I'm super regular since I got off my birth control pills. I am always get my period on day 28 so I figure I ovulate on day fourteen and we have sex three days before and three days afterward. Seriously, its exhausting. I pee on the stick and 3 minutes later....the faintest smudge of a line I have ever seen. I let it sit for another ten minutes and the line look slightly darker to me...I think.
Doctor's visit two weeks later comfirms POSITIVE for PREGNANCY.
The next morning I had an early miscarriage.
June 2008 (MONTH 6)- they said to take the next three months off so we avoid having sex during fertile period but we still don't use protection.
July-Dec 2008- I decide not to wait three months. It took us four months the first time so I figure it will take the same and that will be beyond the three month waiting period. Doesn't seem to matter. No baby. And worse, now my regular periods of exactly 28 days have started fluctuating from 24 days to 36 or 37 days. The stress is driving me crazy.
Jan 2009 (MONTH 12)-I schedule an appt with my gyno. I know they expect you to try for a year but I'm not sure if it is a year total or just a year from the miscarriage. They tell me to come in right away so I guess it is a year total. She asks me if I've been temping (taking my waking body temperature every morning). Um, no!!! She asks me to chart it for three months and then come back to her. WHAT!!! Great...so now I'm three months behind the curve.
March 2009 (MONTH 14)- Doctor looks at temps. I also bought a fancy digital ovulation predictor kit that cost like $150. Between the seemingly hundreds of pregnancy test I've bought in the last year, trying to get pregnant is freaking expensive. It appears I am ovulating, my ovulation day just changes from month to month. I have a rotating shift work schedule that changes every two months and sometimes I have to sleep during the day.
She asks if I want to keep trying or be more agressive and try Clomid. Hell to the yea!!! In fact, I really want to go full force, do the full exams and tests...in vitro...adoption. anything and everything. She says she's not really gearing for that since I did get pregnant once before.
Meanwhile, my husband and I are now fervently praying. Our prayer is to have a baby in 2009, not just get pregnant in 2009. I count off the possible due dates in 2009 as each month brings me AF. And the hard reality hits when we realize that there will be no baby making it into our home by the end of this year.
April 2009 (MONTH 15)- So here I am. If I get pregnant now, my baby will have a due date exactly a year after the baby we lost at six weeks. We would become parents in January of 2010. I know our prayer was for 2009, but honestly, you just want a baby...even if it wasn't in your time frame.
There are some hard ships. You feel like you're getting better at it...at being honestly happy for other people who get pregnant. Sometimes it just hits you though. My old coworker had a miscarriage four months after me. I remember thinking how hard that was and thanking God that I had endured my own and that I was bound to get pregnant any day now and she was having to start over. Lately she's been hammering to get me to meet her for lunch and I honestly have been putting it off...hoping to get a positive pregnancy test in. Silly, huh? She finally emailed me pictures saying she couldn't wait but she's already 5 months pregnant and due this September.
Another girl I know got pregnant after my miscarriage and despite everything I've heard about waiting until after your first trimester...told everyone in the word the day after her missed period and positive home pregnancy test. I held my breath but the hammer never fell. She had a seamless pregnancy and then hired me to take pictures of her newborn son, born in March. It really hit me, she managed to begin and create a baby in the time I've been waiting since my miscarriage.
My husband had his sperm analyzed. Perfect. It was a huge relief but sometimes when I'm driving, I realize....that means it is all me. All me. I'm the the only possible reason for our failure. And this is where I am. AF is due this weekend...absolutely no symptoms. I can't even dredge up the energy to imagine any. Worse yet, at my clomid check, they did a pap smear and found some abnormal cells. So I have a second appointment in two weeks. I cried hard that night. I hated my uterus. It was letting me down.
I met my husband in my late twenties and we got married in July of 2007 (so almost two years ago). We discussed children before we got married. I wanted kids right away...he wanted to wait at least two years so that we could travel. I agreed to wait but I think I was a little resentful...in my head I was already calculating the time frame. I was twenty eight when we got married... that would mean...32 when pregnant....33 with first baby...wait 2-3 years until trying for second baby. I know health risks go up with age so I want to have all my kids before 35. hey, that won't give us much time. So I wasn't too happy...but then six months into marriage...he not too excitedly said we could start trying.
December 2007 (MONTH 0)-stopped taking BCP (birth control pills) about a week before New Years Eve already started dreaming of having our baby in the fall
Jan 2008- Nothing. It hasn't even been a full month...but my sister got pregnant after just missing one of her birth control pills.
Feb 2008- a little disappointed after getting my second AF.
April 2008 (MONTH 4)-still no pregnancy. Now I'm just crying when I get my period. My husband doesn't understand and we inevitably have a fight whenever I do finally get my period. One time I got it right after we had sex so from then on, I didn't even want to have sex near the end of my cycle. I am convinced that sex can bring on AF. My husband and I argue...he feels like I care more about having a baby than him. I feel that I'm the only one making it a priority and putting it on our calendar and thinking about when a good time to try. He agrees to make more of an effort.
May 2008 (MONTH 5): the first weekend of may, I take a pregnancy test in the early morning. I've been taking them on exactly day 28 of every cycle. I'm super regular since I got off my birth control pills. I am always get my period on day 28 so I figure I ovulate on day fourteen and we have sex three days before and three days afterward. Seriously, its exhausting. I pee on the stick and 3 minutes later....the faintest smudge of a line I have ever seen. I let it sit for another ten minutes and the line look slightly darker to me...I think.
Doctor's visit two weeks later comfirms POSITIVE for PREGNANCY.
The next morning I had an early miscarriage.
June 2008 (MONTH 6)- they said to take the next three months off so we avoid having sex during fertile period but we still don't use protection.
July-Dec 2008- I decide not to wait three months. It took us four months the first time so I figure it will take the same and that will be beyond the three month waiting period. Doesn't seem to matter. No baby. And worse, now my regular periods of exactly 28 days have started fluctuating from 24 days to 36 or 37 days. The stress is driving me crazy.
Jan 2009 (MONTH 12)-I schedule an appt with my gyno. I know they expect you to try for a year but I'm not sure if it is a year total or just a year from the miscarriage. They tell me to come in right away so I guess it is a year total. She asks me if I've been temping (taking my waking body temperature every morning). Um, no!!! She asks me to chart it for three months and then come back to her. WHAT!!! Great...so now I'm three months behind the curve.
March 2009 (MONTH 14)- Doctor looks at temps. I also bought a fancy digital ovulation predictor kit that cost like $150. Between the seemingly hundreds of pregnancy test I've bought in the last year, trying to get pregnant is freaking expensive. It appears I am ovulating, my ovulation day just changes from month to month. I have a rotating shift work schedule that changes every two months and sometimes I have to sleep during the day.
She asks if I want to keep trying or be more agressive and try Clomid. Hell to the yea!!! In fact, I really want to go full force, do the full exams and tests...in vitro...adoption. anything and everything. She says she's not really gearing for that since I did get pregnant once before.
Meanwhile, my husband and I are now fervently praying. Our prayer is to have a baby in 2009, not just get pregnant in 2009. I count off the possible due dates in 2009 as each month brings me AF. And the hard reality hits when we realize that there will be no baby making it into our home by the end of this year.
April 2009 (MONTH 15)- So here I am. If I get pregnant now, my baby will have a due date exactly a year after the baby we lost at six weeks. We would become parents in January of 2010. I know our prayer was for 2009, but honestly, you just want a baby...even if it wasn't in your time frame.
There are some hard ships. You feel like you're getting better at it...at being honestly happy for other people who get pregnant. Sometimes it just hits you though. My old coworker had a miscarriage four months after me. I remember thinking how hard that was and thanking God that I had endured my own and that I was bound to get pregnant any day now and she was having to start over. Lately she's been hammering to get me to meet her for lunch and I honestly have been putting it off...hoping to get a positive pregnancy test in. Silly, huh? She finally emailed me pictures saying she couldn't wait but she's already 5 months pregnant and due this September.
Another girl I know got pregnant after my miscarriage and despite everything I've heard about waiting until after your first trimester...told everyone in the word the day after her missed period and positive home pregnancy test. I held my breath but the hammer never fell. She had a seamless pregnancy and then hired me to take pictures of her newborn son, born in March. It really hit me, she managed to begin and create a baby in the time I've been waiting since my miscarriage.
My husband had his sperm analyzed. Perfect. It was a huge relief but sometimes when I'm driving, I realize....that means it is all me. All me. I'm the the only possible reason for our failure. And this is where I am. AF is due this weekend...absolutely no symptoms. I can't even dredge up the energy to imagine any. Worse yet, at my clomid check, they did a pap smear and found some abnormal cells. So I have a second appointment in two weeks. I cried hard that night. I hated my uterus. It was letting me down.
11 dpo and I feel healthier than ever
So, I can suck up time like I have no life reading through TTC (trying to conceive blogs) so I figured...maybe I just need to write my own. It's amazing that each month, I am googling whatever day past ovulation I am on...to find other people and their experiences on that day. I look at those that resulted in negative or positive pregnancy tests...looking for some sign to indicate which one I might look forward to. Today...I'm 11 dpo...and I feel healthy as a horse. It seems the farther I get into my TTC journey, the less "imaginary" symptoms I feel every month.
A few months ago, my breasts, out of nowhere, started getting tender right after ovulation and stopped a few days before AF (monthly period=aunt flow). Should have seen how excited tender breasts were making me. I was poking myself every five minutes trying to figure out if I was imagining it. I think I made my breasts even more tender with all that poking. Now, I'm on my second cycle of clomid and I never feel anything. I never get PMS symptoms. No breast tenderness. No cramps. No bloating. No nausea. Frankly, I've never felt healther. Everywhere I ready, people are lamenting their possible symptoms and whether they should take a HPT (home pregnancy test). I don't even have imaginary symptoms anymore.
What would a TTC girl do? You got it. I start googling to read how much people have no symptoms and still turn out pregnant. There's no way to win. Symptoms? Maybe you're pregnant. No symptoms? Maybe you're pregnant.
A few months ago, my breasts, out of nowhere, started getting tender right after ovulation and stopped a few days before AF (monthly period=aunt flow). Should have seen how excited tender breasts were making me. I was poking myself every five minutes trying to figure out if I was imagining it. I think I made my breasts even more tender with all that poking. Now, I'm on my second cycle of clomid and I never feel anything. I never get PMS symptoms. No breast tenderness. No cramps. No bloating. No nausea. Frankly, I've never felt healther. Everywhere I ready, people are lamenting their possible symptoms and whether they should take a HPT (home pregnancy test). I don't even have imaginary symptoms anymore.
What would a TTC girl do? You got it. I start googling to read how much people have no symptoms and still turn out pregnant. There's no way to win. Symptoms? Maybe you're pregnant. No symptoms? Maybe you're pregnant.
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