Cycle 15: CD 2

Today's BBT: I didn't give a damn.

hah, that was fun to write. I really like to take my picture even on days I know it's not critical. I just took today off. It's the scientist in me, I love the data just to observe for long days on the excel spreadsheet, searching for any sort of patterns. Hmm, I heard rumors that someone is pregnant...now I'm thinking about who it might be. If it's this one girl who I never see, then I'm good. If it's this other girl, then I'm sad. I knew this other girl and her hubby started trying but I hadn't heard any proclamation of happy news so I was kind of hoping that she wouldn't get pregnant and maybe I wouldn't be the only girl in my stage of life that is having difficulties. I'm surrounded by other couples who got married around the same time that we did but just haven't started their family journey. So they kind of look at me with pity when we ask for prayer in our efforts to have a baby. Instead they talk about how they are trying to not have kids right now because that's for later. I'm sure they think I'm abnormal.

I'm trying hard to stay on my stress-free enjoy life. I had a great date night with the hubby last night. Thought...man, our lives are pretty awesome. I wonder if I could get used to this, the kid-less life. Hubby says he wouldn't want to...he really wants kids. I'm so relieved to hear that we're moving towards the same goals. He wanted to wait two years before we had kids after marriage. I wanted to start right away. We talked about it often although we did agree to the two years. then our friends had an adorable baby and he started to have moments when he said "maybe we should have a baby now...I would really like that." So, I jumped all over that before he could take it back. So he was in the quest for a baby but definitely with not the same fervor as me. I kept tabs of what cycle day we were on (this was before I bought and ovulator detector or charted temps). And on our fourth month, we got pregnant. I remember the positive test and feeling really nervous about telling him. I know he had agreed to it but he freely acknowledged that he was scared that he wouldn't be ready. I think how different it will be when we finally have another positive test. I was nervous about how he would receive it...now I know I'll be nothing but thrilled to give him something I know he wants so much.

I'm determined to enjoy my life and every day on this journey...even this spell of infertility failure. We talk about it...but we don't talk about it all the time. I'm trying to avoid things that bring me stress. it's hard because I take little failures hugely. One of my coworkers was making comments about my tardiness to work. It took me a few days but I finally shook it off and I've showed up early the past two weeks. Then today, I see a note on the microwave at work complaining that they had just cleaned it and two days later, there was oily orange stains on it. Oh, that's so me. I heated up spaghettio's on Monday in the microwave...oily and orange. Yup, that describes it. So, I'm hit with a wave of sadness but I really hope it fades and I don't take it so personal. I am trying to ignore all the little things that remind me of my mistakes and failures.