This is my month. I'm going to fake positivity until I am positivity.
Sorry for the absence but the blogging helps me get through the excruciating hours of the last days of the cycle...the two week wait that lasts two years. The last two days, my temp drop was complicated by the fact that my basal body temperature seemed to be on some sort of fritz. I have two older thermometers that I used as backup but they would give two different readings.
It finally started. And because I had been eating myself through the stress and figuring, if I'm pregnant, I will gain weight anyways...I gained two pounds.
I called my doctor got get checked to being my third cycle of clomid. They like you to take it on day 3 to 7 of your cycle, so I had to get checked out in the first three days. Clomid can increase your chances of ovarian cysts.
She said if I didn't get pregnant this round, I could get an HSG. A test where they inject dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes and use an X-ray to check for any blockages. I was so excited at the idea of the test that she said I could schedule it for this month. So this month is a big month for me.
Next week Tuesday, I have the HSG and then I have an exam on Thursday because my last pap smear showed some abnormalities. This is the month. Most people I saw online got pregnant on the third month. I need to have hope. But I do get tired of hope because it hurts more when it doesn't come true. I still have a little fight left.
This is the month. I will have a baby this February. I think I'm due for a boy, my sister has five girls. He will be our valentines.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
15 dpo AF is surely coming (temp drop, soreness no more)
Yesterday 14 dpo...woke up with a high temp (97.99) (I had only slept for about 3.5 hrs. but they say you only need 3 uninterrupted hours)...and my boobs were so sore. Both of them. I did think that was strange because that huge increase would probably be more indicative of AF coming than early pregnancy since it's too early and too sudden. But I don't consistently have sore boobs...I have not had them the past three months. Took a pee stick test in the middle of the day, negative. But I'm still hopeful. Absolutely no AF...I think this is it. I can't believe it. I'm days past my normal luteal phase. I already feel different...walking in sort of unbelief.
My high did crash a little when I did more online research (damn google). I read that for some people the clomid extended their luteal phase each cycle more and more and it can create pre-menstrual symptoms that you didn't have before. I hadn't meant to pee on a stick before this morning. I had to work a wedding yesterday and I really didn't want to go all depressed...better to let hope linger. Even with the BFN, I still cling to the hope. I have read online accounts of moms who tested every day and got negative after negative before finally getting a positive late in the game.
This morning 15 dpo...basal body temp 97.22 boobs...completely normal and pain-free
I only slept like four hours and I woke up. I don't know why...I was just wide awake. Still no AF but I brought tampons to work just in case. Strangely, I'm not sad....maybe it's to come. I really had such a great weekend, had a wedding that I worked at (as the wedding photographer) and as a guest (I love the couple and the family).
Now I'm more pondering. Yesterday really showed me how far my photography has come. I've always been really blessed. For some reason, God really blessed me at every point in my life. I know it so I try to make the most of everything and work my hardest. I was a nerd...school was easy for me...I didn't even have to really try. I was great at sports and picked up new skills quickly. Again, I never really mastered anything but was all-around good and made all-star teams for several sports. I sing...I play the guitar...I used to have a knack with kids and babies (I don't know anymore)...and now my photography is taking off and I'm making it to a business. But this, this is the first thing that I can't do...and it's the one thing I really cared about doing.
Especially since my husband got a clean bill of health and his fertility analysis was like an A+. It means...well, it's just me then. I'm the reason we can't do it. I've never encountered this before and I'm not real sure how I'm supposed to walk through this.
I'll see you tomorrow. Here's praying that AF stays away. Stay away....come back next year.
My high did crash a little when I did more online research (damn google). I read that for some people the clomid extended their luteal phase each cycle more and more and it can create pre-menstrual symptoms that you didn't have before. I hadn't meant to pee on a stick before this morning. I had to work a wedding yesterday and I really didn't want to go all depressed...better to let hope linger. Even with the BFN, I still cling to the hope. I have read online accounts of moms who tested every day and got negative after negative before finally getting a positive late in the game.
This morning 15 dpo...basal body temp 97.22 boobs...completely normal and pain-free
I only slept like four hours and I woke up. I don't know why...I was just wide awake. Still no AF but I brought tampons to work just in case. Strangely, I'm not sad....maybe it's to come. I really had such a great weekend, had a wedding that I worked at (as the wedding photographer) and as a guest (I love the couple and the family).
Now I'm more pondering. Yesterday really showed me how far my photography has come. I've always been really blessed. For some reason, God really blessed me at every point in my life. I know it so I try to make the most of everything and work my hardest. I was a nerd...school was easy for me...I didn't even have to really try. I was great at sports and picked up new skills quickly. Again, I never really mastered anything but was all-around good and made all-star teams for several sports. I sing...I play the guitar...I used to have a knack with kids and babies (I don't know anymore)...and now my photography is taking off and I'm making it to a business. But this, this is the first thing that I can't do...and it's the one thing I really cared about doing.
Especially since my husband got a clean bill of health and his fertility analysis was like an A+. It means...well, it's just me then. I'm the reason we can't do it. I've never encountered this before and I'm not real sure how I'm supposed to walk through this.
I'll see you tomorrow. Here's praying that AF stays away. Stay away....come back next year.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
13 dpo, no af, drop in temp, sore boobs
So today is the end of 13 dpo? I think it's 13 dpo...to be honest...I had two days with positive ovulation readings on my electronic ovulation dectection monitor...and then the following day I didn't test for ovulation readings or take my temp. So maybe I ovulated a day later than I thought...so this would only be 12 dpo? Which makes such a difference in my head.
My luteal phase is usually 11 days...last month on the clomid made it 12 days. I know clomid lengthens your luteal phase...but how much...and will it vary from month to month. Because I'm past my usual 11 days...and I'm past last months 12 days. But I can't be sure because I'm guestimating ovulation.
I slept during the day...and my waking temp was 97.44 (down .33 yesterday from 97.77)...that disappointed me. I did wake up with my boobs sore....but I think that's a sign of impending AF. Course, they didn't hurt last month at all, even before AF. See, how your mind struggles to analyze everything. It's crazy. But no AF...please don't come tomorrow. I'm struggling not to take a pee test. I have to photograph a wedding tomorrow and I think I would have a better time going in with help rather than dealing with depression. I'm real sad about the temp drop...still above my coverline. But before i fell asleep, I actually started getting super nervous and even a little scared that I was actually pregnant. Yah, I was scared...but scared because it would feel so unreal...please still let this happen this month.
My luteal phase is usually 11 days...last month on the clomid made it 12 days. I know clomid lengthens your luteal phase...but how much...and will it vary from month to month. Because I'm past my usual 11 days...and I'm past last months 12 days. But I can't be sure because I'm guestimating ovulation.
I slept during the day...and my waking temp was 97.44 (down .33 yesterday from 97.77)...that disappointed me. I did wake up with my boobs sore....but I think that's a sign of impending AF. Course, they didn't hurt last month at all, even before AF. See, how your mind struggles to analyze everything. It's crazy. But no AF...please don't come tomorrow. I'm struggling not to take a pee test. I have to photograph a wedding tomorrow and I think I would have a better time going in with help rather than dealing with depression. I'm real sad about the temp drop...still above my coverline. But before i fell asleep, I actually started getting super nervous and even a little scared that I was actually pregnant. Yah, I was scared...but scared because it would feel so unreal...please still let this happen this month.
Friday, May 1, 2009
12 dpo is excruciating
12 dpo...body temp at 97.88 (up from 97.77 yesterday)
Of course, I did spend twenty seconds rolling around in bed trying to find the thermometer I keep by the bedside. My husband had to turn on the lights and hand it to me. That exertion might have raised it up.
And before I went to sleep...i did a test and it was a big fat negative. I know I shouldn't take the test. Just relax. The past months I've been good and predict my cycle so well that I just wait to see if AF shows up. Today, I just couldn't even fall asleep. So it took it, got a negative and then really couldn't sleep as I just lay there in a depression. The two weeks between ovulation and your period are hard but it's the last two or three days that are pure torture. I can't even go day by day. I swear I go half day by half day. I'm depressed but a part of me is still holding on to hope, which can crash down again making me depressed all over again.
It's Thursday night.
I expect my period halfway through saturday.
Oh my God, can I make it. I have to get a positive result this weekend. Mother's Day weekend is a few weekends away. We're having a huge family reunion and all my family is flying in. I'm going to get the endless question as people look at my sister with her five kids (three are toddlers) about 'when are you going to start?" I want to say. NOW. I'm starting right now!!!
Of course, I did spend twenty seconds rolling around in bed trying to find the thermometer I keep by the bedside. My husband had to turn on the lights and hand it to me. That exertion might have raised it up.
And before I went to sleep...i did a test and it was a big fat negative. I know I shouldn't take the test. Just relax. The past months I've been good and predict my cycle so well that I just wait to see if AF shows up. Today, I just couldn't even fall asleep. So it took it, got a negative and then really couldn't sleep as I just lay there in a depression. The two weeks between ovulation and your period are hard but it's the last two or three days that are pure torture. I can't even go day by day. I swear I go half day by half day. I'm depressed but a part of me is still holding on to hope, which can crash down again making me depressed all over again.
It's Thursday night.
I expect my period halfway through saturday.
Oh my God, can I make it. I have to get a positive result this weekend. Mother's Day weekend is a few weekends away. We're having a huge family reunion and all my family is flying in. I'm going to get the endless question as people look at my sister with her five kids (three are toddlers) about 'when are you going to start?" I want to say. NOW. I'm starting right now!!!
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