12 weeks 0 days It's not working

Gestational Age: 12w0d
Pregnancy Weight: 205.6 (I am about 30 lb heavier than this stage in the first pregnancy)
Symptoms: Moderate but persistent nausea from morning to night, gagging, having to walk slowly, hate car rides, no motivation,
Food aversions: anything saucy or moist, I crave dairy but it does not sit well with me

Baby is: about 2 inches long and weighs in at 0.5 oz. She's developing reflexes like opening and closing her hand, curling her toes and making sucking movements with her mouth.

I am so close but I feel like I'm losing steam. So time is slowing down and I'm rapidly running out of motivation and hope. I have about two minutes from the time I wake up until I feel the nausea start to rise through my groggy fog. And there it rumbles with me until about ten minutes after I fall asleep. I have the feeling that my medicine is not working for me. I feel no different after taking it but I take it anyway, all four pills because if it is working, then I don't want to experience how bad it is when I don't take it.

This past Monday I had a period of normalcy. I had a photo shoot in the morning and met Scott for lunch. I of course didn't feel like food so I suggested shave ice but then realized that there were hunger pangs mixed in with the nausea. So we ate Hawaiian food, beef stew and lau lau. And I ate and ate and it tasted good. I felt great afterward. I was so happy. Maybe this was the turn around. Really, this week, I feel much better than I did a week and half ago. But it's still nausea. After Monday's experience, I keep trying to recreate that great feeling. Forcing myself to eat, hoping to get the same response. It's not been successful. It's depressing. I want to know at what point I start to feel better. But I know this week on a whole has been much better than last week. I'm not happy but I'm able to do work. Yes, I'd much rather lie in bed all day but I can get myself to move around and do stuff. I have noticed that I feel better on weekends...I really do think it's the mentality of being able to relax that helps.

We went to see our specialist on Tuesday for a first screening, the dreaded NT test. I was so anxious but I saw the tech type in NT=1.0. Oh, I know that's good!!! So, when the doctor came in, he told me what I already suspected. Baby is looking normal...boring is the word he used. Of course, we'll do a more thorough check with the cardiologist at 20 weeks but we passed one milestone. And yes, we know it's super early but we asked for a look at the crotch and in his medical best opinion, giving it about a 90% chance...he declared we are having an....

another girl!

ha ha ha, we know the baby is small but I'm going to assume that he's right and maybe we'll just get another surprise at the next visit. he was right the last time=)

Ha ha, I can't believe another girl. Oh, boy, I hope we can come up with a girl name that we both like. That's so difficult for us.

We're not going as public as the first time with facebook and blogs. But we are starting to tell people around us. I called my siblings after the doctor said everything looks good with her heart. My sisters are so excited...the pregnant one cried. My brother kind of took it in an odd fashion, sounded like something else was bothering him but I don't know what. The big thing was I told my work place. I've only been there half a year so I don't think they're that happy but they're rolling with it. Phew, I was dreading that part.

I hit 12 weeks which is a big milestone. Now, if I can just hit 14 weeks and then 16 weeks, I know I'm going to see dramatic improvement in the nausea. I just wish the end of nausea would get her a ton bit faster.

inspiration for shoot

10w4d: Trying my best

Gestation: 10 weeks 4 days

Weight: 208 lb

Symptoms: horrible nausea, gagging, dry heaving, motion sickness, constipation, napping daily, lackluster

Food aversions: Most food

Okay food: random right now, I could go for a Caesar salad, i like meatloaf or hamburger steak, i always seem to want dairy like chocolate milk, but it makes me feel sick afterward

So, last week the nausea got super bad. I upped my 2 pills of zo.fran to 3 pills a day....some days were four. I called the clinic and thankfully they said that I could increase my dose to 4 pills a day but that was the maximum. After that, to try it with sea bands and/or B6 if it wasn't enough. I told them that sea bands didn't work for me the first time and they said you never know....it might this time around. Even with the four pills, I was sick...I just wanted to call in sick and crawl into bed and cry until 20 weeks. I tried B6 pills and am only taking two 50 mg a day with food...the nurse said you can go up to 200 mg daily. It seemed to work...really well...but the side effect was that I suspect that the combination of medicine is knocking me out. I took B6 for the first time friday night, then proceeded to sleep in the next morning...get up briefly...and then nap uncontrollably to 2 in the afternoon. Almost all of Saturday, I didn't feel nauseous but I felt completely drugged. Since then, I've been oscillating between being nauseous and being sedated and drowsy. Trying not to take both things at once.

On Friday, we went to our second ultrasound...our 10 week ultrasound. We couldn't find a sitter so our baby C was with us. Baby bean is still small but amazingly starting to form shape. I could see the arms and the legs, and every now and then baby bean would jump off the side of the sac. So amazing. The ultrasound helps but still doesn't make it feel real. I just feel sick. I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel special. I don't feel like that little bouncing gummy bear on the screen is in side me. Then they listened to the heart beat which was in the 180s and sounded great and I looked up to my baby C in my husband's arms, watching the screen listening to her sibling's heartbeat for the first time and I started to tear.

I have a regular OB appt this Thursday at 11 weeks and then a first screen/NT scan next week Tuesday.

My hubby and I had a rough week last week. I'm miserable and depressed from being sick. He's having to do everything and he's getting overwhelmed and miserable himself. So, we're both feeling depressed and neither of us can help the other...we got into a huge fight. Selfishly, I just wished he would just suck it up. I keep thinking that if he can just suck it up and do it for the next few weeks, I'll make up for it when I feel better. And he feels he's doing everything he possible can. So, with the medicine and B6, I have tried to make an effort to do more...although it be pitiful.. I washed bottles on Friday night. Whoohoo, start the ticker tape parade.

I'm struggling at work...thankfully, this week looks like it might be a little less stressful. I'm just trying to survive...although it gets really sloppy. I don't know if my absences are getting noticeable. I can't call in sick because my job doesn't work like that, I have things that need to get done with daily deadlines. And I am trying to keep what little sick leave I have for maternity leave...when I take maternity leave, I'll have only had this job for exactly one year. Something I'm worried that my workplace isn't really going to like after hiring me. I tried telling one of my coworkers today...we're pretty close...but she's also very critical. I would have loved to have someone at work who knew what was going on and would understand why I'm leaving work early or just working from home. Websites say to talk to your work early if you're having a rough trimester and maybe they can work with you until you get past the hard part. My coworker didn't receive it that great. Not exactly an excited response. It was like a "oh" followed by monotone questions "how old is your other baby?" "was this natural?"...then a long time later "well, I guess...congratulations?!" Oh well, this is my life...my family...and I have a right to have family. I just know it will be a huge inconvenience and problem at work. We don't exactly have people that can cover for our positions.

Now being past 10 weeks, I can only hope that the next few weeks fly by and that i see improvement in my symptoms with each week. Reading my blog from the first pregnancy, I know it was a roller coaster ride...I'm hoping I still see an easier ride. I know it was pretty much gone by 16 weeks and got better by 14 weeks. I'm just a few days away from 11....I'm hoping that by 12, there might be some change...then 14...then 16. That makes it easier for me to think of then...just 5.5 weeks more 16 weeks. That's over a month. I'm going to just try to get to 12 and 14. Much more doable.

I also regret taking on photography gigs. Seriously, I wish I could cancel the one I have this week. I completely forgot what it was like during the first trimester. NEVER EVER book jobs for the first trimester.

9 weeks I must be pregnant

Gestation: 9 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy weight: 206.8 lb
Symptoms: nausea, gagging, near vomiting, crying at everything, tires easily, constipated

Baby: about an inch long, or the size of a grape. tail is finally gone, eyes are formed but eyelids are fused shut, heart has finished forming four chambers and those sex organs are already formed

Thank goodness for Z.of.ran. Started taking it last week Friday and it was instant relief. So much so, that I didn't even take it Sunday morning and I felt completely normal. All the way to 3 pm. I started to freak out that the pregnancy was ending and every symptom was vanishing. Then I go from that to today and yesterday where I'm taking more than the dosage. I'm supposed to take 2 a day..yesterday was a 3 pill day. Today, I can't remember if I took a third pill but I want to take another one. But I have been able to accomplish things, I took it before photographing a 1st birthday party for 3 hours and although I did feel a little sick, I could push through it and keep my mind focused.

The past few days have been horrific. I was walking out of the bookstore today and I felt like throwing up, right there on the stairs in the most populated area on campus. I hid behind a pillar and pretended to read the store sign while I breathed in an out. Actually, I was also trying to hide from the girl walking up the stairs in case I just tossed my cookies. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the car so I stopped at the dining hall and bought a small meal. And as a side effect, the pill has stopped all exiting out of the stomach in both directions. I can't tell you when the last time I went to the bathroom (TMI) but it's been a long while.

I've been sleeping in and leaving work early. I'm just so tired. Plus the z.of.ran makes me tired too. So, I can't cut my sleep short at all. But I have been staying up late and getting work done. I figure I just have to do what I can to make my time as bearable as possible.

I cry at everything. I'm always a crier but it seems that every show makes me cry. Sometimes I don't know exactly why I'm crying.

We think we're having a girl. We kind of hope we're having a girl. But I'd be super excited to have a boy too. Can you want both equally? I do. My sis is giving birth in a month and I can't wait to tell her..we definitely want all the gear we're giving her back!!! And I can't wait for this trimester to be over. I watch all these food shows and wonder when I'll be able to reward myself with a yummy meal. Oh, that will be heaven. I can't remember if I ever achieved that in the first pregnancy.

So, next week Friday is our next ultrasound. We'll be at ten weeks. Just one more week to go. I can't wait!!! We also take our last shots next week. We think it's the 9th but we're not totally sure because we lost the schedule. Oops. that will be wonderful although they've gotten much better. My sides itch but not nearly as much. And I don't know if my skin is getting numb but they also hurt a lot less.