25 Weeks (3 Weeks to 1st Milestone)

Gestational Age: 25 weeks
Pregnancy Weight: 197.5 lb
Symptoms: harder time breathing when lying down, swollen ankles, sore back, stretch marks on BB,

Man, the days are just crawling by. I am holding my breath. I've been having braxton-hicks every day. Some days are filled with them. One day, I was having them every 15 minutes and only after an hour or so of lying down chugging water did it slow down to every 20 minutes. Even lying down all day sometimes doesn't slow it. I was starting to freak out that I wasn't going to be able to make it. Thankfully, the last two days have been real good, and I have just have them sporadically throughout the day.

My doc says to make sure we're ready for the babies because I'll be on bed rest soon. yah, right. Our house is a mess. I'm finally able to go on Amazon and order things, my first attempts were heartbreaking and would bring on sobbing fits as I realized I can only plan on enough for two babies. A part of me is scared to even do that. I think we're just going to buy one crib for now and then the second one after the babies come home and are doing fine. And of course, there's no place to put anything. Our house is so full of stuff, it is taking forever to sort through things. I'm just realizing that things are not going to get done. I have high hopes and dreams but not really.

Being home everyday is boring. I'm not mobile so I really can't take advantage of it to do things that would make me enjoy it. Like cleaning...or organizing. I have to lie down and I tackle a few tasks every day...so it doesn't make me feel like I'm making any headway. My dear mother, my dear absentee mother was supposed to come help me clean windows but she hasn't returned my call. The one time I call her in three years and she doesn't return it. That just figures. Sheesh.

I am getting tons of quality time with Scott although it's just us sitting at home. I wish we could think of things to do that my chubby, immobile self could do. I told Scott to get us a wheelchair and then he could push me around the neighborhood.

I love being pregnant. You feel special. Man, everyone jumps up and carries things for me. Brings me chairs. I need it so I greatly appreciate it. Oh, and the babies are so active. I think they take turns being awake so someone is always kicking. We went to see Dr. O yesterday and I smiled as the babies kicked his little ultrasound wand. That's my soccer girls.

24 weeks (4 weeks until the big milestone)

Gestational Age: 24 weeks
My weight: 196 lb
Symptoms: Big belly, we've noticed the faint darkened line appearing that runs down the center of my tummy, the belly button still has a lip...it's fighting the urge to become and outie (plus, I push it in as much as possible), back starting to hurt when I lie down on my side (that sucks), feet are swollen little pillows and sometimes my toes get all tingly because of it

According to our book, each baby should be about 1 1/2 pounds. That's a singleton rate and triplets start to fall behind singletons as we approach the mid to late twenty weeks. But my babies were all over 1 pound last week so I'm pretty sure they all hit that for this week at least.

Last week, the doc ordered me to up my calcium and protein intake. I also read that pregnant women who don't have enough iron will be more tired and supply less oxygen to their babies. Since my baby has a heart defect, I can't have that happening. So, I've begun taking calcium supplements, plus a prenatal vitamin, and an iron pill. And I drink a breakfast replacement drink as a snack every day. I think it's better but I don't think I'm getting enough, I may have to up my calcium just a bit. But it's hard. The drink fills me up and one time I drank it and then I couldn't eat dinner. Stomach small and squished by now. I have to work on protein because right now the babies are starting to build up their fat stores and muscles. Too bad there's no protein pills.

Some days I have tons of braxton-hicks even when I'm just lying down or doing nothing and some days I don't.

I read the threads on triplet forums about parents who have lost one or more of their triplets. It made me realize how many people give birth super early...and these next four weeks are critical. so many of them were because they went into labor between weeks 23 and 28. It has scared me and even though our house is a mess, dirty, and completely unprepared for any baby, I'll have to just let it go and work on growing fat, old babies.

I tried to go on Amazon yesterday and look up some preemie clothes. I wanted to buy little hats and then I started crying when I didn't know to buy 2 or 3. Gizmo will be with us for a little bit and I want her to be dressed...but for how long will we have her. Then I saw these little preemie dresses and started crying. I should buy her a nice outfit. I started crying so badly, I had to stop shopping. I found this website blog about a mom who discovered her baby son had a terminal heart defect. he lived for almost 11 hours after birth and I just sobbed uncontrollably reading it. I know it will be such a blessing to be able to meet and hold and hug and kiss Gizmo...but I have no idea how I'm going to be able to survive losing her. I really hadn't thought about how hard it was going to be until I read this mom's account. Just last week, I was watching this special on the mermaid girl. This sweet 10 year old girl with mermaid's disease who wasn't supposed to live more than a few weeks. She was just captivating, what an endearing little girl. She came down with a lung infection and the family spent time with her in the ICU before she passed away. Oh, I just bawled and bawled. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to lose gizmo, I just don't.

Please Lord, keep all my girls safe. Keep them growing and healthy and happy. Thank you for them and every day I have them.

23 weeks 1 day We're staying here

Gestational Age: 23 w 1 d
Weight: 192.7 lb, but that was yesterday and I've been eating tons more so it should be way higher
Symptoms: belly button is starting to get a lip on the top, I think I'm getting an outie. feet sore.
Prayer Requests: Gizmo's heart. Astro keeps growing and keeping up.

We really prayed for a direction. Our doctor was presenting our case to a group of doctors from San Diego to see if there was a good chance that surgery could be an option for Gizmo if she makes it to delivery. Our doc called us on Friday. I chickened out and didn't want to be the recipient. So I made the doc call Scott and Scott told me in person. The doctors pretty much said that it could be possible but they wouldn't recommend it as an option to consider. She would be too small as a preemie and the risks were high. They recommended we deliver here and offer comfort care. The reassuring news was that a number of them seemed to think that she could make it to delivery.

It was a relief to hear, just a clear direction. We know where we are going and now we can just pray into it. Being in chaos was just emotional torture. As the relief wore off, it started to get more real and I started crying. Just randomly...driving home, in the bathroom. I woke up in the middle of the night and just thought about having to say good-bye to her and I started crying. Now we know what to prepare for but there's no way we'll ever be fully prepared for it. I so can't wait to meet her and I'm glad they think we have a good chance to. I'll be able to hold her and kiss her. But it will also make it a lot harder to say goodbye. Now that I know I'm most likely going to lose one baby, I cannot lose two babies. That's all I kept thinking about all weekend.

We followed up with our neonatal specialist today to see how the babies were doing. He was very positive. Said that the identicals seem to be sharing equally and that we just keep going forward. He also gave me some stern warnings about taking it easy and eating more. According to my weekly development book, our babies are going to be just gaining weight and fat stores from now until the end...so I have to. We want old, fattie babies.

22 weeks 1 day= Up in the air

Gestational Age: 22 w 1 d
Symptoms: super large belly, belly button opening squished to just a slit, stretch marks on the BB but none on the belly yet (yah), contractions, baby movements, still peeing every 2-3 hrs at night
Prayer Requests: a miracle. Gizmo's heart valve to open up and the fluid around her heart to disappear, for her left ventricle to receive blood that allows takes away the calcification and that it beats regularly. Please protect Astro that her health is not endangered by her identifical twin's health. For our docs to have wisdom and for them to be knowledgeable in the areas we need.

So another visit to the cardiologist. I thought this one would be faster but it was still over 90 minutes of just scanning. 90 minutes of scanning one baby's heart. The room was hot and I was trying so hard not to get restless and fidget. I tried to look at the screen but it is hard to figure anything out. I did smile when I got glimpses of arms or legs or her sweet face. And she was squirming around in there which made me smile. I felt a lot of kicks and moves, I guess the ultrasound wand got them all worked up.

Then the Dr. sat down with us after that loooong scan. And our other specialist came in and sat down in the middle of the meeting. Dr. S, the cardiologist, said that her heart looks the same, that she does appear to have aortic atresia and that her left ventricle is enlarged and does not seem to be beating properly. He says overall her heart looks bigger (and not just cause she's getting bigger) but he says it looks to him like there's less fluid around the heart (AMEN, that's what I was praying for, my good little girl).

There's some docs from San Diego here and they're having a docs get together so he's going to present our case to them and get their opinion. Whether surgery is even an option. She may be born too small because she's a triplet and will be a preemie. If there is a shot, then Scott and I will have to go up to San Diego and be prepared to stay there for a while. We were a little shocked when Dr. O (our specialist) said he'd send us up there at 25-26 weeks (up that's 3-4 weeks from now)...whoa. That's a little shocking to think of. I'm okay but I just feel bad for Scott. I'm set to leave work but how is he going to keep working. If the surgeries are an option, we also may have to stay there for about 6 months after the delivery

This time they brought up the idea of termination as an option. They said they just have to lay out the options. I don't know how they get the numbers that they use. Looking online, it said that 20% of babies die while waiting for a transplant but the doc quoted us almost 50%. The online journal said that about 40% of identical twins suffered brain damage if their twin died in utero but the doc from last week quoted us 60%. And this week, Dr. O told us that there's a 30-40% chance that our identical twin "Astro" could die as well if Gizmo passes away.

I told them that I was just not comfortable with the idea of terminating. I said, I of course would have to know it was an option as things change or our options change but I had to put it to them so they knew. Last week, while we were being prayed for, I just felt like God created all these girls. He formed every hair on their head and I just kept thinking "I can't harm a single hair on their heads." I told God that. They're his creations, they're his children.

The doctor brought up yet another option. If surgery is not an option, we could choose to stay here in Hawaii and deliver here although they don't have the facilities to deal with Gizmo's heart problems. All they would do is provide care for as long as she could survive. He said that he had families who were against termination who chose that option. I was relieved to hear that although much later it struck me that these were probably singleton pregnancies, in my case there's risk to the other two girls involved. I tried to pin down the cardiologist for his estimate at her chance of survival to delivery. he hemmed and hawed for a while and said he was just guessing that she had a 60% of survival to delivery.

So now we just wait to hear what the san diego doctors say.

I still marvel at how things went from being so great and blissful to just being an emotional nightmare. Logically, I wonder how we would handle the expenses of moving to a new state for a good part of a year, finding a place, renting, we would need a car, a mattress, still pay mortgage at our hawaii home, need someone to stay at our home to take care of it and take care of our dog, taking care of 2 of the babies once they come out of the hospital while the Gizmo is still receiving medical care, and I'm scared to ask how much insurance will cover for medical costs especially with both of us not working. Thankfully, I really believe Scott's job will work with us as much as they can but, last night, he brought up getting a job at a fast food restaurant that our friends have in California. Emotionally, I just have no idea what choices we'll be asked to make and I have no idea how we'll make them. Believe me, it's a despairing thought but I have to push it away for now. God got us this far, he's in for the entire journey. Everything sounds so scary but he hasn't forsaken us, he's held his promises.

I miss the days when a triplet pregnancy was the biggest of my worries. I have my good days and bad days. Last week, I just came home from work and just lay down all night, trying to let my body recuperate as much as possible before my next day at work. This week, I feel a little stronger although last night, I was having a lot of contractions. I only feel them because my bladder gets squished and I have to fight the urge to pee. I'm at 22 weeks...unbelievable...I would be so proud of myself and my body for standing up pretty well. I feel like we could go really long with this pregnancy....if this was just a regular triplet pregnancy.

I've started a cocoa butter regimen, three times a day. I don't know if it will work but at least my skin is super moisturized and smooth. I have this area on my left upper abdomen which is so painful. I thought it was the skin but now I think it's the muscle. It feels like a torn muscle. I looked it up....it's just muscle pain from it being stretched and there's nothing you can do...but I find myself subconsciously rubbing it all day long. For the last week, I was only feeling movement/kicks in one area. The top so I figured it's Slugger. But yesterday riled them up and I feel them on the top, my right side, and down below (which feels weird and I lovingly tell them to stop that when I feel that one).

I'm 10 weeks away from the average delivery date for triplets, 6 weeks away from the critical 28 week mark. Please let the time just fly by with my baby girls chugging along. Lord, these are your girls, teach me how you want them raised.

20 weeks 6 days-Finding Hope in the aftermath

I wanted to post this right after going through the day we found out about the heart problems. The next day we woke up in a much better place and I didn't want to leave my blog hanging on the emotions of that first critical day. But it took so long to write the details, I couldn't expand on where we are now.

The following days I woke up, still having moments when I just cry, thinking of my little girl. But also realizing that I have to go forward under the assumption that God is going to work miracles. Yes, the odds are stacked against us. But as long as there's the option, the possibility that our babies come out alive and healthy, then that will be the one I cling to.

I thought about us walking into the cardiologist appointment. Scott and I both said afterward that it hit us hard because we walked in so clueless and hopeful, we felt blindsided. But would the news have been easier to take if we had expecting the worse. I don't think so. So, while, I first felt like I was just preparing myself in case the worst happens, I don't think there's any way to prepare for that. Nothing will make it hurt less or pass easier. So, let me cling to the hope that is my God. Let me rejoice in her life now. Let me be thankful for each day I have with her.

As if God nodded alongside with me, the next day, the babies were so unbelievably active. Gizmo (Baby B) is on the right side and I felt kicks on the lower right side all day. It was the lower side so I knew it wasn't the fraternal who sits above her. I still have Scott feel my stomach while we watch TV hoping he can catch an errant twitch or kick. Finally, that night, she seemed real active and I found that if I pushed gently on my stomach, she would answer with a firm kick. I tried it a few times and each time I was rewarded with a kick. So I asked Scott for his hand, pressed it on my stomach and sure enough, he felt it. I was so happy, I said "that's her." Meet your daughter.

We had a regular visit with my OB. She brought up that the cardiologist probably asked us about terminating the pregnancy for that baby. He hadn't but it's not even an option for us. She did bring up the dangers if Gizmo passes away in the next few weeks. The body could try to reject it which would mean preterm labor for the other two babies. Or an infection could develop that could endanger the other two babies. I'm at 21 weeks tomorrow, and we need to get well past 28 weeks to get out of that danger zone. She also brought us some hope. She said you just never know with babies. They're so small at this point, as they get bigger, the doctors may be able to see more things clearer with their hearts. It goes both ways. Babies they don't think will make it do, and babies they think are in the clear don't always. So, I'm praying that the next visit, the heart will be a little bigger and give us some hope-filled news.

I never want to say I'm naive. I know how serious things are but I can't survive this unless I just believe. So I believe. I had to think about the worst case scenario. What would happen if we lost Gizmo and then lost the other two. All this, the years of waiting and doctor's visit. The shots, the blood tests, the awkward examinations. This pregnancy has been tough. Would I wish it just had never had been? And the answer is no. I am so thankful. I prayed for this, I've been able to walk this path. I think it's such a huge difference that I can feel them move. I feel like I've met them. I love them already. Every second is a blessing and an answer to my prayers.

Tomorrow we meet with a new doc who is filling in for our neonatal specialist. Next week is our cardiologist appt.

Prayer Requests:
For the aortic valve to be opened up
For the fluid around our heart to diminish
FOR NO MORE FLUID accumulating in her body
For her heart to be support her active body
For Astro (Baby A) to be able to grow and keep up without putting more stress on her sister
For Slugger (Baby C) to continue her growth and development and to watch over her sister
For God to help us through this year, we must stand on Him

20 weeks 3 days...my heart is breaking

20 weeks 3 days

Yesterday, my sister suffered a second stroke in a span of 6 weeks. I received her text messages when I was done with work. It was an emotional night, a visit to the ER. A mild stroke considering but still very serious.

Today, we had to focus on our babies as Scott and I had a visit with a pediatric cardiologist to look at some things about Baby B's heart that had alarmed our neonatal specialist. Scott and I really walked in with naivety. Our doc said he thought he saw a hole in the heart and one side of the heart not beating as strong. Well, she's the biggest and by far the most active baby. I heard that holes in the heart sometimes close on their own, or I'm sure they can fix it somehow. We were not even fazed and breezed into the appointment.

The ultrasound tech took us into a dim room and scanned my babies for over 90 minutes. It was so quiet I fell asleep for a little bit. She took tons of pictures and videos without saying a word and when she finished, she said the doc would review it and then come in himself. So, we spent another half hour by ourselves in the room before the cardiologist came in. Dr. S. He introduced us ourselves and then said he wanted to do some scanning himself. So, he spent another 45 minutes in silence scanning Baby B. Then he said "I'm done. I'm going to take you in the next room and talk to you." Ok.

We went to the next room and he showed us a model of a heart and explained that fetal hearts are different but he would show us how it works in the adult heart.

So blood returns from the body lacking oxygen on the right side (in blue). The right side of the heart pumps the blood to the lungs to pick up oxygen and it returns to the left side of the heart. The left side of the heart then pumps the blood out through a valve into the aorta, a huge vessel that will distribute the oxygen-rich blood to all parts of the body.

He said he sees several serious problems with Baby B, whom we have nicknamed "Gizmo",'s heart. The left ventricle (right half of the picture above) is enlarged and is brighter than usual on the ultrasound, which may mean that it has a build-up of scar tissue. The left ventricle also doesn't seem to be beating regularly or very strong. The valve between the left atrium and left ventricle looks damaged and he sees some blood actually going backwards. He said he took a long time looking at the aortic valve, the opening that lets blood out of the left ventricle so it can exit the heart into the aorta. He says it's really small so he tried to look from really different angles but he wasn't able to see any blood going through. He fears that the aorta might be completely closed, not letting any blood out of the left side of the heart exit into the aorta.

I just kept nodding, trying to memorize every word he was saying so I could understand exactly what was happening. My mind was racing as I memorized the names of the heart parts as he was pointing to them.

He took a deep breath and then said it doesn't look good. What could happen is she could pass away in utero. She could survive until delivery and be born and then pass away shortly after. He said that if she did make it far enough to be near delivery, it would have to be on the mainland where they could be prepared. If she survived long enough, they could operate on her or if the heart was still too damaged, try to get her on the list for a heart transplant. He said we needed to start thinking about who we might be able to stay with on the west coast that would be in a large city, and he could then match us up with a hospital that was equipped to do transplants and heart surgeries. He recommended staying with family because we would be there for a while. He'd have to talk to our neonatal specialist about when to send us up, because they would have to play it safe. They might have to have us go up to the mainland as early as 28-30 weeks. It might be a month of waiting before delivery, and then of course, however long treatment would be. He said to have a list of cities we might prefer by our next vist.

Again, I'm still nodding in shock. Then he said, "there's the troubling sign that there's fluid around her heart which tells me that she's already experienced some heart failure." Even my numbness couldn't withstand that. I looked at Scott and said "I think I'm going to cry." And then I did. Loud, ugly sobs. Even now as I type this, they're wrenching out of me. My baby. my baby girl. You mean, she's dying. My baby girl is dying.
.........................................................................

Ok, I'm back. I had to leave for a little bit. It's still a little raw. It's hard to have to relive it, but I want to put it down. I started this blog to journal our journey to becoming a family and this is it...the good and the bad.

The poor doctor. He just met us and he had to deliver us the harshest news, probably not a real fun job. He said he would talk to our neonatal specialist...which, if this isn't just a cascade of the devil's attacks is out right now. Our neonatal specialist is out because he had an medical emergency himself and is in the hospital. We're to come back to see the cardiologist in another week and half.
I asked him how come she is doing so well if basicallly she's only using half a heart. She's always been the biggest, always days ahead. She's the strongest and most active. I feel more connected to her because she's the one I usually feel moving and kicking. It makes me smile and I talk to her and rub my belly in encouragement. he says that the blood entering her right atrium and ventricle is coming from the placenta so it's oxygen-rich with my oxygen.
a Fetal Heart

The oxygen rich blood from the placenta goes to the right side of the heart but only a little bit goes to the lungs. There's an opening to the right side of the heart so that the heart can pump the blood to the rest of the body. I think this means that our baby's right side of the heart is doing all the work. He says some of that blood may not be getting to the vessels on the outside of the heart which is why there's scar tissue building up on the left ventricle.

The day was a miserable mess. I couldn't leave the little room, and the doctor kindly told us to stay in there as long as we wanted. I just sobbed for 30 minutes and Scott just held me. my only thought was, how do I get out of here and get home without having anyone see me. When I pulled it together, we started to leave but I had to do a bathroom stop first. When I walked in, I saw myself in the mirrow and saw my belly bulging against my T-shirt and a fresh new wave of pain washed over me and I started sobbing again. All this, all this is for us to have three babies...NOT two....THREE. Right now my stomach looks like a swollen beach ball because there's three babies in there.

We went home and I mourned my baby. Scott and I were sitting on the couch during a quiet moment and I felt her kick me hard and I started crying again. "She kicked me" I told Scott. How can my little girl be so alive and so active? It's heartbreaking because she doesn't know anything is wrong. She doesn't know her heart is struggling to keep up with her. How can I celebrate her kicks and movement when there's this impending gloom. I never really thought about how parents of children with terminal illnesses do it. You hope for the best, but how do you enjoy any part of the present when you're wondering how long the present will last. How can I make it another 3 months of panic and fear. Scott reminded me that we have to pray for a miracle. Forget heart surgeries and making it to delivery. We need complete healing by God's hand.

The first day was rough.

20 weeks and feeling it

Gestation: 20 weeks
Weight: 187.5
Appearance: Belly is big. Stretch marks on boobs only.
Symptoms: Nausea pretty much has been gone since 16 weeks but I still get occasional feelings of nausea that I can usually ignore. The discomfort has definitely began. The stomach muscles have just stretched to a point of discomfort and my stomach feels hard. It tenses up and contracts and my bladder is pinched to the size of a penny, giving me the overwhelming urgency to go pee even when I don't really have to. I try to sit more but my back hurts. I alternate between trying to stretch out my stomach and trying to stretch out my back.

My stomach just feels hard. It's freaky to feel. Sleeping is tough and some nights my body just hurts more. One night I was on crying out loud whenever I had to shift my weight. Then some days I am perfectly good and my abdomen and back feel more relaxed.
Countdown: 8 weeks until viability. 13 weeks until average birth arrival.

I haven't blogged in a while but I'm keeping my computer at work so I can't blog at home. And we have a shortage of computers at work currently so I just haven't been able to grab time to blog.

Last week, we went for our 19 week ultrasound with the specialist. It was so reassuring to see that Baby A is keeping up with growth although still very behind Baby B. And still no sign of that growth on Baby A's spine that appeared a month ago. Dr. said their levels are a little low but nothing alarming. He spent a lot of time with Baby B's heart and I just knew something was up. He took three times the number of pictures compared to the other babies. At the end, he went over the results. Baby B does seem to have some heart problems. That thick nuchal fold we saw at 12 weeks can indicate chromosomal disorders or heart problems. In this case, it looks like heart problems. Dr. pointed out that one side of the heart didn't seem to be beating as strong as the other side and there was a hole in the heart. A cardiologist called us and we're going in for an echo of all their hearts this upcoming week. But Dr. was encouraged that Baby B is growing strong, she's the biggest still of all the babies and very very active. And so we're so happy that our babies are going strong.

Thanks to Scott's constant joking about looking for hidden boy parts, we received our third set of crotch close-ups which bring the total to nine pictures total. Enough. I believe it. They're all girls.

I'm at work. The doc said I was doing good and my cervix was measuring normal. I can continue to work until my body starts to object and he also told me warning signs that we should look for that might indicate danger: increased vaginal discharge, a mucous plug, rhythmic contractions, bleeding. So I'm on my last week of work but I told them to schedule me in for next week and I'll play it by ear. Today, my body is hurting and I wish I was at home so I could lie down. But summer has arrived, and this past weekend, I was just hot and miserable at home. So, I'm okay with trying to stick it out here at work.

I feel a lot more movement and little jabs. Imagine a thick layer of rubber, like a whoopee cushion pulled tight. And then someone flicks it. That's what it feels like to me. Once I had my hand on my stomach and I was able to seriously feel a kick from the outside. Now when I lie down, I splay my hands over my stomach to try and catch any movement. I really want to get to a point that Scott can feel it so he can be a part of it. I feel a lot more connected to the babies now that I have little random reminders of their existence.

Yesterday, I asked him if he was not as excited to have babies. I told him it was because he didn't touch my belly like he used to. He sheepishly admitted that it felt weird now. It's true. My belly feels completely different. It's hard and the skin is pulled tight...so he made up for it by rubbing my stomach for fifteen minutes...I had to ask him to stop because it was making me nauseous=) He just can't win.

We are completely unprepared. I had illusions that we would have our house cleared out and unnecessary furniture rid of. Um, nothing has changed. Hopefully, when I stop working then we'll see some progress at home.

17w0d Pray for amniotic fluid

Gestation: 17 weeks 0 days
Weight: I weighed in on our scale today at 181.7 lb. But I was kind of tilting to see the number and my docs scale had me heavier last week. Of course, they weigh me at the end of my day and I weigh myself at the beginning when I just wake up.
Appearance: Big boobs (for me)....belly is big. Kind of freaks me out when I look at it. No stretch marks although I think I see two on my boobs. Keep forgetting to get that cream from my sister although I'm convinced I'm doomed by genetics.
Symptoms: Mild bouts of nausea. Food tastes strange to me. I'm struggling to find food I can eat because some of my consistent faves have distinctly strange tastes to me. Big turn-off. I'm peeing a lot...my bladder already feels like something is pressing on it. Arthritis of the hips, when I am lying down for a while, it hurts to turn over or get up and start walking. And still a big of motion sickness if I walk too fast. And I'm waddling already.
Countdown: 11 weeks to viability. (Babies have a 95% survival rate at 28 weeks). Actually since Baby A is almost a week behind, let's say 12 weeks to viability.

So. I haven't blogged in two weeks. Last week was crazy. The hubby was gone for almost two weeks, I was having trouble sleeping and I ended up getting sick. At first, the cold didn't seem too bad and I was so thankful since I can't take medicine...but the cold just wouldn't go away and every day was just a struggle. Then my sister had a crazy clot and I had to take her to the hospital. I had to burn a sick day (which we know is so precious at this point) because of the lack of sleep and sickness. Thank God, my sister is home and she seems to be slowly regaining her coordination back. And Scott is home (well, for a week) before he leaves for yet another stupid trip. Pbbbt. I'm still coughing occasionally but I'm finally regaining use of both nostrils. Amen.

My stomach has definitely swelled and everything just feels tight. I had an episode where I think my uterus was contracting a lot...I had to start counting. I had 2 in the span of 20 minutes and the next forty minutes were the longest ever...since I read that you have to go to the hospital immediately if you get 4 contractions in an hour, even if they don't hurt. I read that online. I think a lot of the discomfort is just from everything expanding so quickly, my stomach muscles feel so stretched. At first, I was scared to stretch it out. I haven't had any contractions in a few days so I'm gingerly stretching.

Today was our ultrasound with the specialist. Dr. O. The first thing out of his mouth was "Have you been leaking amniotic fluid?" I immediately said "Oh, I might be, I noticed a lot of discharge this past week but I thought it was incontinence." So embarrasing, but I've always had a problem with my bladder and some leakage when I exercise or just out of nowhere. At work, I noticed my underwear had these huge wet spots and it was way more than ever. I figured, my bladder was just getting weaker. He asked if I wear a pad, and I said ,No, I just have wet underwear. So, it seems that the new issue (there's always something different at each visit) is that the amniotic levels for the identicals are lower. Not dangerously low, but lower. So, new thing to pray about. Today I felt pretty good because I was dry and hopefully it has passed, but just now a trip to the bathroom has revealed another wet spot. Please, Lord, no more. Keep it all in. I took a quad screen test last week but my doc laughed and said that it's invalid for triplets. Oh, boy, I have a big fat bruise on my arm from the blood draw for nothing then.

Now for the good news. The triplets are all growing steadily, even small little baby A.

Baby A: (smallest identical twin)
16 w 3 d (so four days behind gestational age)
5 oz
everything looks good so far

Baby B: (biggest identical twin)
17 w 2 d (2 days ahead)
7 oz (ooh fattie)
everything also looks really good

Baby C: (fraternal twin)
17 w 2 d (2 days ahead)
6 oz (doc says that Baby B and Baby C are pretty much the same size)
she's our star. lots of amniotic fluid. saw her moving around. lots of room and everything looks really great.

the identical twins were squished again as they are bigger and they have lost some amniotic fluid. I'm going to have to go in every two weeks now especially since we have to monitor their amniotic levels. That's fine with me. Three weeks is just too long for me to go without seeing that they're okay. i still get nervous when he starts scanning. I wish he could just verify that their heart are beating and they're alive. I guess he doesn't know that I worry about that and I may have to get over my pride and just ask him to do that for me. The great great news. Baby A is still chugging along, still a week behind the other two but the gap isn't growing so that seems to indicate that her growth is steady. Their bladders and blood flow are good so no indication of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion yet). Woo. Best news, he tried to find that growth on the bottom of Baby A's spine and he couldn't even find it. True, Baby B's big head kept getting in the way but he tried and tried. At the end, he said he saw a glimpse of something but it was so tiny that he thinks it was probably a skin tag. Hallelujah!!! We'll keep praying that the growth is completely gone and never comes back.

And he confirmed...all girls. hee hee. Scott and I just shake our head. He showed us the crotch shots and even I could see there's no peepees anywhere. I'm getting a little better at recognizing things on the ultrasound, plus, they're a little bigger so things are much more defined.

I'm officially halfway through and today's visit...seriously the best I've felt about this pregnancy. Scott and I agreed that this was the best news visit we've had the whole time. I hope it continues this trend but I'll enjoy the moment now no matter what. It's starting to feel a little more real. I'm still shocked each time I go in and they're all still alive and they're all still growing. I'm starting to gain confidence that come this fall, we're going to have three little girls in our arms. So, I brought up the pains and aches because I've been wondering about the babies moving. Apparently, you can feel it as early as 16 weeks but most newbies can't recognize it and won't know it until 18-20 weeks when it becomes to obvious to ignore. Stupid websites refer to it as a feeling of gas bubbles or butterflies. Um, only time I feel gas bubbles is when I have painful doubled over cramps. And I can't for the life of me recall what it feels to have butterflies. I do feel occasional swishes but I'm telling you, my abdomen is a field of strange new feelings. So, I'm just being patient because it's only a few more weeks and then there will be no question.

Praises Recap:
Babies alive
Babies healthy
Baby A keeping up
Baby A lost that weird spinal thing
Baby B showing all normal measurements despite that high nuchal fold

Prayer Request:
No more amniotic loss
Keep growing, we go back in two weeks
That spinal thing be gone FOREVER

15w1d Prayers needed

Timeline: 15w1d
Weight: 179 lb (6 lb down from pre-pregnancy weight)
Symptoms: Weird arthritis of the hips, spider veins in the BB, insomnia, motion sickness.

When I start to walk after lying down or sleeping, I'm an old woman. Weird pains and aches in the hips and joints. Must be those hormones causing everything to relax. I actually think I'm more flexible. I hate my job and switching sleep schedules...I've been sleeping 4-6 hours every day and then maybe taking an hour nap on the cold, hard floor in my office at work. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired I feel sick, so I've been gagging whenever I start to move. Walking, driving. Last night, I was trying to drive to get food and I realized that I was going to throw up. I was at an intersection and stuck at a red light. I gagged and swallowed and drove to McDonalds where I had to pull into a stall, lean out the door, and vomit water and my zofran pill all over the parking lot. Oh, goodness. Thank god, Scott has napkins in his glove compartment.

Yesterday was my 15w ultrasound with the specialist. I couldn't believe it but the appointment coincided with Scott having to be at the airport to leave for a work trip. I was so bummed that he couldn't be with me, he was very bummed as well. I got my older sis to come with me and we promised to text him before he got on the plane. We've really been hoping and praying that we get some good news this time around, every time, the doctor seems to just say "only thing we can do is wait and watch." I want him to say, yes, this looks promising. Just once.

Baby A
measuring 14w3d (4 days behind gestationally)
weighs 3 oz

Baby B
measuring 15w5d (5 days ahead gestationally)
weighs 5 oz (!!!!)

They really are right on top of each other so the doc was having a wild time trying to zero in on each one to get measurements of the head, brain, heart, and bones. He kept muttering "your children are being very difficult." Wow, to hear "your children" is mind-blowing. My sister and I both pestered him with "Hey, if you can see the gender, we would LOVE to know." the babies looked to squished and it was a hard angle but he finally said "I have a feeling these identicals are girls." YAH!!! we were hoping they were girls. I asked "What do mean, you have a feeling? Like you feel it in your heart." He said "No, I just don't see anything sticking out down there."

Cassan texted Scott that they were girls and healthy right before he got on the plane.

Then we moved on to the fraternal twin

Baby C
15w2d (2 days ahead gestationally)
4 oz

Baby C looks great. And then the doc said "Hmmm, I think this one is also a girl." My sister just started laughing. My sister with the five girls. My sister who I teased endlessly when she was pregnant with fraternal twins only to find out that they were both girls. WHAT!!! 3 girls. I don't even have one girl name that I like, now I have to come up with three. I think girls are so much harder to name than boys. Well, everyone we know has girls and we've already got tons of baby girl clothing hand-me-downs. I did say "The doc can be wrong." Sometimes things hide themselves...but I have the feeling we're having girls.

He went back to the identicals...he said their bladders and amniotic fluid look good. That's a relief, I know those are big indicators of Twin to Twin Trans.fusion. But then he was scanning and we all saw something. He was looking at baby A, the smallest baby, and you could the skeleton and ribs. And there was something waving at the tip of the spine. I thought it was at the top near the head but the doc told me later that I was backwards and it was at the tail end. But it was something just waving away. What was that? Is that a hand? What the heck? The doc tried zooming in but he said the baby was too small to get a decent enough look. So, he said "well, it can be a number of things." I asked "Like?" He brought up two options

Spin.al bif.ida= where the spinal column doesn't close properly. He says that the location is good, if it was further up the spine, it would be more harmful. Where it is now, the baby has a good chance of being able to walk normally.

A tumor. As if I couldn't hear anything worse than the first option. I think the doc sensed it, because his nurse jumped in and said that it was more common than you know...that they just had a baby last week with a tumor. My sister says that she thinks here husband had to have one removed. I asked what this meant. The doc says that it would just have to be removed once the baby was born.

He admitted that our triplets are having an above average number of complications, he brought up Baby B's thick neck measurement last time and now this abnormality on Baby A's spine...the huge discrepency in size. I asked him what our odds were and he said that you don't count on odds. He said because the size difference has been from so early on, it's more serious than if it started to develop later in development. Sigh. My sister was so positive, she seemed totally sure that everything is going to be fine. I'm starting to worry if I'm coming home with three babies and what that life will be like.

The hardest part was having to wait all night while Scott was on the plane so I could update him when he finally called. The last thing he heard was that it was girls and that they were healthy. I hated having to tell him yet another development. We're only at 15 weeks, we have a whole other half of pregnancy to go. He's such a rock, he just takes it in stride. Somehow, I feel like this is my fault. It's half of my DNA, they're in my body. I still think that as much as Scott really wanted kids, I wanted them more. I got us to where we are today, going through IVF, choosing to put in 2 embryos and not just one. I can't help but feel responsible.

We go back in two weeks, Scott will be back by then, which is a blessing. I miss him so much and it's a tough time. I really wish he was here.

14w3d It's getting better=)

Thursday 14w3d
Weight=178 lb (original pre-pregnancy weight=185 lb)
Symptoms: fatigue, getting tuckered out easily, mild nausea depending on the time of day, sensitive chest, headaches daily (also a side effect of medicine)

Well, week 14 has actually brought improvement. The nausea got better if I kept eating...then that stopped working and it got way worse. Then, this past week I've noticed a huge difference. I get bouts of nausea but a majority of the day, I'm feeling okay. Still not hungry and I still have to put into thought into what I can eat, a lot of food aversions still...but I'm actually eating now. Not a lot but a moderate amount.

The belly is pooching out, I bought two new maternity jeans with these lovely elastic waistbands. They're so comfortable...oh my goodness, I want to keep wearing them even after I'm not pregnant anymore. One of them seems to fit but I wore it to work last night and I think it's a little too early. As soon as I start to walk or put stuff in my pocket, the jeans start to pull down and the elastic band is creeping down my butt=).

We have already gotten baby stuff, a lot of hand-me-down baby clothes...we don't know the gender so hoping to find out soon so we can figure out if we're keeping anything or giving anything back. This is the first week I haven't had a doctor's appointment and it's killing me. I just start to think that maybe something is wrong and I have this insane fear that the next ultrasound will show that we lost a baby. I want an appt every week.

I'm super fatigued still. Which is weird because I've been having trouble sleeping. I wake up every three hours to pee and I am pretty much wide awake by 6 in the morning. There's so much I want to do around the house but after doing a few things, I'm tuckered out and I am back to lying down. At my count, I only have about 6 weeks of work left. I'm trying to get everything in at work, that's my sole focus. I'm also trying to find out about leave...there version of maternity leave is family leave-UNPAID!!! I have to burn all my sick leave, vacation, and comp time, and that will get me to right before the birth. I called Finance and asked about TDI but the lady said I had to have less than 15 days sick leave to qualify. She said she would find out and call me back but she hasn't yet.Oh boy, everything is overwhelming.

I'm at work. I'm eating chicken spaghetti. It's weird how my tastes have changed. Now I like it heavy on the noodles and light on the meat. I wish I knew that when I was packing lunch. I don't have enough noodles. I think I can't eat anything mildly sweet, especially in the morning. I tried cereal but that didn't go so well, it might have been the milk may have been expired. I tried a blueberry muffin this morning, nope. Nothing sweet in the morning from now on.

13w1d Regular OB visit

Count: 13w1d
Weight=179 lb
Symptoms: Nausea was horrendous but I've discovered the force feeding myself small meals of carb-high meals really helps and I have hours of normalcy, belly is bulging!!!

So, my count is one day faster than normal. But I want to keep consistent for my blog posts so I'm going by 13 w 1 d although technically I'm actually only 13 weeks. I've been beyond nauseous for the past four days...I was taking 3 pills instead of the prescribed 2 pills of medicine a day...one day I took four. My hubby made Beef stew and I broke it into two small meals and ate it two hours apart...and I started to feel less nauseous. It was amazing. By the time, I went to my OB I was on cloud nine and feeling so good.

The OB doesn't have a spectacular ultrasound machine but she's an amazing doctor. So gentle with the ultrasound wand, didn't press too hard. The fraternal showed up first. He/she was slowly moving. Then we saw the bigger identical...I could totally see the the spine and legs stretched out. It was awesome. I just have the biggest smile on my face while watching my babies. the bigger identical is head down...almost doing a perfect headstand. I couldn't see the smaller identical so I started to worry and the OB was searching for him/her. We figured out why he/she was so hard to find, she/he was almost perfectly behind the bigger identical. They're both head-down and facing each other. The smaller identical was moving and I could see the little hands. I giggled happily because it looked like they were hugging and touching each other but the doc says they're not in the same plane. She agreed that the smaller identical is smaller...and she doesn't even take measurements. She was showing me the difference between the identicals and referring to one as "the small head."

I wonder how bad it is that the small one is small. I know when twins are born, one is usually smaller, but I think they tend to start off in the beginning pretty similiar. Neither doctor is really saying. I brought up the large NT scan and she said the value was around 4...she didn't look at my chart so she may be wrong but 4 is so much better than 5. I asked her why I was not doing blood tests and she said you couldn't with triplets. It doesn't work. You can do it with twins, because they take the values and divide them by 2 but you can't work it with triplets. She said I could have an amnio if I planned to terminate if they/one had Down's for example but I wouldn't have an amnio unless I planned to terminate because it's much higher risk of miscarriage for triplets. No to termination and no to amnio for me then.

Ugh, I didn't sleep enough and I'm at work. I had a long case... a lot of work and I'm feeling it. I'm dying. I hit a physical fatigue wall. I need to go home and sleep. To night is going to be tough too because I have to wake up early to work early, doing a presentation which I really didn't have time to plan enough for. Youch.

12w3d

Weight=177.1 (beginning was 184-185 lb)
Symptoms=Hair seems thicker, chest seems fuller, belly bulge, nausea and gagging

Yesterday afternoon, we met with the specialist again. I just saw the babies last week on my regular OB dinky ultrasound machine. Today was the specialist so we got to see the babies again and for longer periods of time. Man, we just saw them on the same machine two weeks ago and the difference is startling. They've only grown half an inch or so but on the screen they look so much bigger.

The identical twins look even more squished than usual. They have grown more in the same space.

Baby A (the squished identical) is measuring pretty good. He's definitely at the bottom of the uterus, the doc has to really push on the wand to get a glimpse of him. We use "him" just because it's easier...we're hoping for 2 girls and one boy. Baby A measures 11 weeks 5 days, just about 4 days behind and completely normal. His heartrate is in the 180's but the doc says that's normal. He didn't move too much but he looks beautiful.

Baby B (fattie identical) measures 12 weeks 5 days. See the difference. He's about 3 days ahead in growth and 6 cm long. He was jumping like crazy. sometimes you could get a glimpse of fingers by his face. The doc took NT measurements (couldn't for Baby A because he couldn't get a good view) and the doc must have measured it like 10 times. That didn't bode well for me. The doc finally told us at the end that it was high (I think I saw a 5 on the screen) but we can do nothing more than just watch. His heartrate was in the 150s. He would kick his legs and he would bounce in his sac, it totally made me laugh to watch. I promised myself I wouldn't google but a high NT measurement can indicate a chromosomal disorder or possible heart problems, but it's not definitive. I'm just not going to worry about it. I mostly worry about baby A keeping up in growth with the rest.

Baby C (the fraternal sitting up at the top of the uterus) is also measuring 12w5d and has a heartrate in the 150s. He was also very active and I could totally see a hand by the face. His NT measurements were normal and the doc says he's doing dandy.

And we totally got blessed with pictures. We didn't get pictures the last time we were there, but he printed out pics of all three...although the fraternal pic looks like a staticy tv and I can't see anything. I have a regular OB visit in less than a week and then we don't return to the specialist until two weeks after that.

He said that I need to plan to be out of work by at least 20 weeks and when I brought up my work trip to a class in Florida in a month (I'll be about 17 weeks then), he laughed and said "NO" so fast I thought he was joking. Apparently he's not joking and I'm landbound for the rest of this pregnancy.

The nausea is really there but really doable with the medicine and just the lessening as I march into 13 weeks. But the problem is forcing myself to eat. I never never feel hungry and I don't really like the taste of anything. Nothing gives me a sense of "Yum, that tastes good" and I definitely don't get any satisfaction. Instead it feels like a chore to try to get down enough food and it actually gets real tiring and I resent eating. Man, I know I struggle with overeating and being overweight because of the joy I get out of food, but God gives us that joy for a reason. If you get no joy out of eating, the last thing you want to go near is food. It's kind of depressing because I struggle every day just to find something to fill up my two meals a day...and I'm running out of ideas. I cannot wait ...I mean it...I cannot wait until I am starving and I can wolf down a meal. People keep telling me "Oh, you don't want that, i wasn't able to stop eating during my pregnancy" but I need to eat. I have to gain weight and keep these babies fed and I can't exist on grapes and chips for very long.

12 weeks pregnant

Weight: haven't weighed myself but I'm sure I've gained half the weight back
Symptoms: Fatigue (may be from nausea medicine), nausea ( thank you Zof.ran), belly bulge, constipation

I'm at work. Third night in a row. It took me two days and a lot of mess to get my sick days lined up and I realize that for this year, I only have 6 days of sick left. I still have leftover from previous years...thank goodness. Thank God it has been slow. I've used all that time to work...I've kept myself busy although I move slowly.

Now for the nausea update, I'm at the 12 week mark so I'm looking for improvement. Was hoping it would completely dissolve. I try not to take my medicine right away to test out the waters. It's definitely better but that gagging thing just doesn't stop. It seems that not only smells aggravate it, but moving. I'll be walking and start to gag...stop...breathe...try to take a step and I'm gagging again. Driving...gag. So I take medicine and I don't really notice a huge improvement in the nausea but I stop gagging. I try to eat tons...here's my list of safe foods

grapes (love love love...I was so bummed when I ran out at work.)
Honey nut cereal
chips (Doritos)
watery saimin (doesn't taste appealing to me but it is a substantial meal for me)

I suffer a little at work...it's not fun. I have noticed that (since I work the midnight shift), I do start to feel an hour or two of goodness around 4 in the morning.

Two weeks more.

I'm kind of bummed because I come home from work...shower...and go to bed. And I just can't get out of bed until a few hours before I have to work again. I have so much to do. The belly is bulging and I can only fit two of my pants. Heck, I don't care if I wear them every other day, fashion is not high priority for me but I'm going to have to get more clothes. Can't believe I made it through 3 work days, two more to go this week. Woo hoo.

Oooh, I found someone who lives nearby that has year-old triplets. Oh, she seems super nice...I hope I can pick her brain.

11w3d Happiness and guilt

Symptoms: Insomnia, inability to sleep longer than 4 hours, lessening nausea

Thanks to a wonderful new medicine and a strong resolve to follow orders of constant cereal snacking and attempts to eat real food have resulted in almost 16 hours of pretty good feeling. Woohoo. Now, I'm finally getting back to where I have hours where I almost feel completely normal. It's wonderful. I'm so thankful to God. Today, I only slept for four hours so I feel so tired and groggy but I didn't feel too nauseous.

We were invited to a BBQ and so I took a pill of medicine to ready myself and we went. It's all people from my husband's workplace who are mostly women (and their families) and I knew there was going to be a lot of gushing. Let's get this over with. So we did...and people gushed. I'm not really comfortable with that much attention...I'm not a wallflower but I do get a little shy when people are looking at me. I told Scott that I absolutely hate the idea of people touching my stomach. I insist that if people ever try to touch my stomach I would slap their hands away. I use to take martial arts, I have quick hands...cheehaw. Well, the first one who rushed to me is our sweet sweet friend who started rubbing my tummy. Scott gave me the expectant look. There's no way I can tell her no. Who was second in line to not only rub the tummy but she leaned over and started talking to my tummy, but another absolute sweetheart. So, I gave up...I didn't like it but my tummy was touched all night. It's just weird to me because I'm still small so it's not like I feel it's babies they're touching...they're just rubbing my chub. Nice.

It was a wonderful night. There was this awesome chili, but I think it was made with turkey which I love so much better. It wasn't spicy and that with rice was perfection. I didn't pig out but compared to my usual meals, it was pretty close to a full meal. Yahoo. It was a little uncomfortable because it was all about triplets but this is the first time people are seeing me so it's expected. People kept asking if it runs in our families and I said it does but that we also went through fertility treatments. And after a while, we managed to turn the conversations to other things and it got a little more normal.

But it brings me to a new issue that I am facing. Guilt. We put our good news on facebook. And tonight we obviously were the topic at the party. But there are other women, sweet beautiful women who are congratulating me and hugging me and I know how much they also really want children. We know these amazing women...these amazing couples who have been praying to start families and Scott and I have been praying for them every night. Every night when we prayed to be blessed with a baby, we lifted them in prayer. Because as much as our hearts ache for a child or children, we know theirs must ache as well. Now, as they hug me, I feel unexplainable guilt...because I know what it's like to be in their shoes. Watching others announce the happiest news in the world...seeing their glow...watching as everyone gushes with excitement for them. Now, I stand on the other side and my heart aches. Because I would never give up being on this side, but they deserve to be on this side with me now.

I hope they understand the look in my eyes "I'm still one of you. I'm still with you." Even with children on the way, my life and my heart has forever been molded by the painful journey of prayers, hope and tears of infertility. At the party, there were two women who really want children but have not been able to YET. I can honestly say they deserve it more than I do. They are so sweet, truly they are mothers to their friends and everyone around them. Sacrificing everything of themselves, always generous and thoughtful, the definition of warm. They hugged me and both whispered "I've been praying for you two." and all I can say is "I'm praying for you too." And I am. I don't know what to say, I don't want to say the cliche things. Everyone is celebrating and rejoicing in our answered prayer, but I know there are others who prayers aren't answered. And just as I struggled and questioned God all those longs months that stretched into years of "No," I can't say anything now because I don't know why God answered my prayer and not theirs. Yet. It was a mystery to me and still is.

I have no advice. No consoling words. I don't want to feed the cliche "Don't worry, it will happen to you." Because those words never gave me peace. I can't say that because I don't know that. All I can do is hug them and hope they sense how much I want this for them. I feel so happy for what God has done for me and Scott but I won't be satisfied until everyone on my prayer list has the chance to experience that joy.

11w2d I can do this!!!!

My short-lived mild days of nausea ended abruptly and I was back to being worse than ever. I couldn't even sleep because it was so bad. I went in to the OB today and I was counting down the hours until I saw her and hopefully would get new medicine. According to the doctor's scale, my weight is down to 174.0 lb, which is 11 lb down from my start weight. whoa, I may have to weigh myself at home to make sure because that's a little scary. 11 lb in 5 weeks!! I hope not. Then the doc proceeded to give me a kind but firm scolding for not eating. How am I supposed to eat when I've tried everything and nothing works. I mean yesterday, I had two rolls of bread for breakfast and promptly threw that up. I had half a large french fries from LnL as my only other food of the day and fought all night to keep that down. I didn't chance eating anything more. Thankfully, she had no problem giving me a prescription for Zof.ran which is strong than the Reg.lan I was on. And even though I have tried everything on the list of suggestions, she had a few more like just snacking on dry cereal that I agreed to try.

I was surprised when she busted out the ultrasound machine. I didn't think they had one...they sent me to a different clinic for ultrasounds. She said they just can't do ultrasounds normally because they just don't have the time to give everyone ultrasounds. I wonder if I just qualify because I'm high risk. I got to see the babes again although they weren't moving. That's sad, I really get joy out of seeing the little gummy bear dance. She printed out pictures although I must say, I thought they looked cuter last week. Their heads seem so elongated and pointy that it looks weird. she assured me it was just the angle. Their heartrates
Shadrach=172 bpm
Meschach= 192 bpm (the squashed twin)
Abednego=162 bpm (the single fraternal)

Then I got my prescription filled and made an appointment to come back in two weeks. I'm seeing the specialist next week so I am seeing a doctor every week it seems.

On the way to the car, I started gagging and heaving and panicking as I realized the parking lot was full and there was no safe place to possibly throw up. So, I leaned against my car and dry heaved between cars. It was so embarrasing, people were walking by and I'm sure I looked disgusting. I seriouslly didn't think I could get out of there. I spent about ten minutes sitting in the car hanging out the door choking and gagging before I was able to breathe through it.

Zo.fran I took it and immediately felt better...enough to finally go sleep. I take it twice a day so I'm not sure how to space it out yet. I took it before minichurch but still felt on the verge of gagging the whole night. I forced myself to eat some diluted saimin noodles and actually made my way to work.

The fun part was we finally went public with the news. Scott made a cute blog with ultrasound pictures (he swore he would never show ultrasound pictures ha ha ha) and we posted it on facebook. So coming in to work was great because I don't have to feel shame about hiding why I'm always calling in sick. It's so nice to share but keeping it in for so long is probably making us overshare. I notice Scott loves to talk about it no matter who we are with. I like start to cry when I think of Scott. He went hunting at different stores for different candies with ginger in them since I hate ginger (we're trying to find something I like). He packed my food for tonight since I don't like to be around the smell of food. he washes all the dishes and cleans the house, does the laundry. And still, he's so excited everytime he comes home and sees me. I keep thinking he is going to grow to resent me but he really is doing it all out of love.

10w4d Nausea up and now down

Oh, right after our appointment with the specialist, the nausea skyrocketed. I went from fighting the urge to throw up to actually throwing up. The medicine I had been taking didn't make me feel any different. I was trapped in bed and miserable. I called the doctor desperate to try another medicine but the nurse insisted I was so close I should just try and wait it out. She encouraged me to just try to hydrate myself and don't worry about solid food because the babies didn't need that much nutrition. Um, what about me? I hadn't eaten more than 500 calories a day in over a month. My hands were getting all shaky.


I broke down and called in sick to work for the next few days. I am gambling that I may be close enough to the end of the first trimester and won't be as bad by the time I have to go back to work.


This past weekend, was the first time I woke up feeling okay. Sadly, I still have no desire to eat. Just have more and longer moments of my stomach not turning over constantlly.

10w1d Visit to the Neonatal Specialist

I went to work which meant sleeping during the day and woke up to five missed phone calls from Kaiser. I guess word got through quickly to my OB that I am having triplets because she called and said that I would be hearing from a neonatal specialist, who just happens to also be her brother. Sure enough, I had three missed phone calls from the specialist and when I returned their call, they wanted to schedule an appointment with me that day.


So Scott played hookey from his boot camp exercise class and we drove to the specialist office. We had to wait quite a bit but we finally were ushered in. I'm pretty sure that the doctor stayed late just to see us. It was cool because the doc has a tv monitor across the room so I can watch the ultrasound being played on it while he works on the actual machine. I got a great view of the whole thing. The babies weren't moving during this much which disappointed me but the doctor was also faster so he moved quickly and froze the screen a lot to get measurements. Unlike the previous day when the doctors were assured that the babies were all the same size, the specialist kept making little disapproving sounds as he did his thing. Then he says "well, we have a few issues." He gave us a very frank and real look at all the risks and complications that we're facing.


The identical twins: I was so glad that there seemed to be a thin membrane separating the two because I knew that was a good thing. But apparently, they are sharing a placenta. I looked it up later and it seems the theory is that if they split after 4 days from fertilization, they'll share a placenta. Since we put the embryos in at 5 days, they obviously split after 4 days. Yikes. He says that when babies split to become identicals, they don't split everything equally. They have to share the same food supply (the placenta). And if are not sharing the food and oxygen equally then the growth of one can be seriously stunted. He brought up that dreaded thing I read of in some blogs. TTTD. I think that's the abreviation. Where one twin can actually take blood from the other twin and one will grow faster and one will grow slower. The worse thing he said is that since they are connected, that if one gets sick or possibly dies, the other one can die as well.


Then you toss in the third fraternal twin and you're dealing with space issues. He showed us their sizes. The fraternal twin was measuring nice and healthy. The top identical twin was a little behind him and then the bottom identical twin was a few days behind both of them. Still well within the normal range but clearly behind the other two. Even I could see he didn't look like he has as much room as the other two.


I am firmly against selective reduction but as my heart sank and the fears set in, I could see why people would choose that way. We immediately told him it was a no for us and I was almost apologetic when I said "I know we're choosing the harder road." Scott loved the doctor's response "It's not a harder road, it's just a road. They're all road and I don't ever look back. I just want to know the rules of the game."


That night, I called in sick and I still stayed up night. I took two different showers and I cried both times.

10w0d Most shocking day ever

Symptoms: trouble sleeping (I just switched to midnights shift and having trouble adjusting to sleeping during the day), nausea (strongest in first half of my day after I wake up and subsiding for last half), total lack of appetite

This morning was our 10 week ultrasound. I had to work all night by myself and was super tired. I was so nervous but thank God, I didn't get any calls or late cases. I went home to meet Scott and he drove us to the clinic. Man, we had to wait half an hour for our appointment plus additional time since we came in early. I was so tired I ended up lying on a bench and dismally watching as everyone in the entire waiting room was ushered in and I was still stuck outside. I sent Scott to the receptionist to use "my wife has worked all night and hasn't slept yet" to get us some sympathy urgency but we still had to wait another five minutes anyway.
The ultrasound tech came out and got us and apologized for the wait. I was real stoked because she did a belly ultrasound...excellent. The room was small and the ultrasound screen was turned away from me although Scott could see it from his chair. The tech said as soon as she checked measurements and printed out the pictures, she would turn it to show me everything. She started scanning and said "Oh, there's two in there." Yes yes, we're having twins, I guess it wasn't on my chart. I was watching her face the whole time since I couldn't see anything else and thankfully, she said right away "Oh, good, they're both moving." Yah!!! She scanned for a while and said "they've both moving and I see both their heartbeats." Then she kept scanning and she was taking a long time. She kept apologizing that I couldn't see and assuring me that she would show me once she had finished everything. I told her not to worry and just do everything right. I also told her about the spotting and hoped she could find what was causing it. Scott could see and he was watching at first but I think he got bored so he stopped watching. I just lay there and watched the tech. I was having serious trouble trying to relax and not move. Trying to think about not moving just made me itch to move which made me giggle. I was having such a hard time with the giggling fits.


Then the tech got a worried, shocked look on her face. She started to lean close to the screen and she got very quiet and very intense. It just dragged on and my heart starts to sink. I thought she said both babies have good heartbeats. Something must be wrong with them. Her expression wasn't changing and I realized it had to be more serious even. Something was seriously wrong. It was an eternity before she finally broke the silence and without looking away from the screen she said


"Um, I am seeing three babies."

Scott's head whipped up so fast and he said "What?!?" I was flabbergasted. Not to offend her, but she was taking a long time with the scan so my first words were "Are you sure? Can you check again?" Ultrasounds are fuzzy black and white blurs. She was moving that wand all around, how does she know she's not counting the same baby twice.

Again, I can't see the screen so i can only watch the tech's and Scott's faces in the light from the machine. It takes a few minutes but she's showing Scott different angles and sure enough he said "Yup, you're right, there's three." Then we both started nervously laughing. I'm in complete shock.

"But we only put in two." I just kept saying that.

She says it looks like there's just two sacs which is why the previous ultrasounds probably missed the third baby, hiding behind it's identical twin in one sac. Thankfully, the tech did find a thin white line which means that the identical twins actually have a membrane separating them so they are actually in two different sacs. It was forever before i could see. she had never done triplets before so she didn't even know how to enter all that information in the machine.
She turned it to me and I could easily see the two babies. She moved the wand and I saw a white blur in the bottom of one of the sac. What? That blob? Maybe that's a yolk sac or something. Then she moved the wand and the blog got bigger and ...oh, yah, there's the heartbeat.

Three babies.
All with strong fluttering hearts ~ 163 bpm
All measuring roughly about 10w0d

The previously missed baby looks squushed in there...his sibling's feet are right on his head. Oh, I hope he/she has room and they all share. she showed me close-ups of the first two. You know what they look like. Little graham teddy bear crackers...or gummy bears. I said that out loud and the tech laughed and said she always thought so too. Three little graham teddy bears floating around in a little circle. The first and third were sleeping or not moving. But the second one she showed me, one of the identical twins...oh it was alittle jumping bean. It was so cool. It was like a teddy bear cracker waving it's cute little arm and leg buds around. I had to giggle, it was such a joyous excitement to see.

She brought the doctor in who comfirmed it. They were able to get a screen shot with all three babies and fluttering hearts in one plane. He said he sees a black area which is a pool of blood above the babies which is probably where the spotting is coming from. But he was happy to hear that the spotting seems to be slowing down which might mean the the bleeding is not new or ongoing. He did say that it is something to watch because any bleeding can increase the chance for miscarriage. He said we'll have to become good friends with the high-risk OB and we'll be getting scans around every three weeks for the entire pregnancy.
In a serious deadpan voice he said "So, that means no sky-diving, no scuba diving, no sex, no sports...." So funny when Scott's voice squeaked "Wait, what was the last one. No sex? For how long?" The doctor shot out "Oh, for the entire pregnancy. You want to avoid anything that might cause pre-term labor" and then he moved on to other stuff in the blink of an eye. Oh, poor poor Scott.


The shock:
The shock has not worn off. We are overwhelmed, flabbergasted, speechless. Scott just keeps looking at me and laughing. he'll just say one word out of nowhere. "3." This changes everything. We were just adjusting to the idea of twins. I know a lot of people with twins. twins is doable. My sister has twins and I know how much hard work that was and still is for her. I've been consumed with worry all day...I had such a rough time sleeping, i couldn't stop thinking about it. I know triplets are high risk. Pre-term labor, possible weeks in the NICU, hospital bills...how am I going to work at all? I have such a hard job with unpredictable and sometimes very long hours. Scott's job has childcare but I thought it might be pushing the question to have twin babies in there. Triplets? I don't think that's going to fly? How can I possibly go back to work? We can't afford for me not to. But how are we going to take care of them? I don't want us to drive two large cars...the expense and the gas. But I have a small size sedan. I don't think it can even fit three car seats in the back. We can't ask just anyone to babysit so we can go out for a movie or date night. Are we going to be homebound for the first year? I know it's common to have to go on bedrest during the third trimester. I coudn't even make it two days when we had the IVF. I was miserable. Does this mean my nausea may not go away by next weeks since I have three babies, not one or two?

I also have this fear that we caused this. Did I fight too hard to have children with the IVF? I mean, nothing else worked or even came close? Was the IVF my choice and not God's? Is this happening because I wasn't aligned with what God was trying to tell us? That's my irrational fear. although I can't believe that God punishes by giving you more children. If I believe that our children are a blessing from God, then I can't believe he's punishing him for being selfish. I mean, identical twins!!! He caused for one to become two!!! I also know that it's going to become real obvious that we used fertility treatment since we went from having no babies to having triplets. I hope I don't get quizzed by random people or judged.

I have to believe that God gave us three children, and he will give us the means to provide and take care of these three children. I don't know how. So, I'll have to depend completely on him!!!

9w5-6d: Crying and working nights

It's midnight so i'm between 9w5d and 9w6d.

Weight: 178.0 lb (starting was around 184-185 lb)

Symptoms: Slight chest tenderness and fullness, nausea, tendency to take naps, and constant nausea....and now slight sadness, still spotting but it's remained light consistently so I'm actually not worried

I'm suffering a little from depression sadness. I don't know so much if it is pregnancy rather than just the wear and tear of a month of constant day to day nausea and being bound to my house. Just haven't felt like myself in so long and wondering when I ever will. It seemed like I had a good day this past week and was actually functional with my nausea...I was taking my medication and eating snacks and I was able to keep going during my day. I thought...hey it's looking up. The next few days I felt worse than before. I have to believe that it's still better than it was two weeks ago. Now I feel so sick but I'm functional...I make it through the occasional family lunch, church, and an average of 2-3 work days a week. So, I know it's improved but I have to be honest, that's its not enough that I feel great. I still feel sick.


This past few days I had off because it was a holiday and I'm switching to working nights. I know that I can no longer take melatonin or allergy pills just to induce sleep during the day...which is how I used to adjust so well to working the overnight shift. So, I tried to stay up late every night and sleep and nap during the day. It didn't matter if I took 2 naps during the day, I still couldn't stay up past two in the morning. Plus, we have someone out on vacation so the first two nights on this shift, I'm also going to be working alone.

Tonight as I got ready for work, I started to get so scared. Scott had a friend over so I couldn't pull him aside to talk and pray about it...so I ended up just talking to God and crying in the shower. I'm scared that I won't be physically able to make it through the night, that cases might come up that are too demanding for my fatigued, energy-less food-deprived body...and I just felt so lonely. There will be no one there for me to fall back on for support. I cried and just prayed that God would give me quiet nights...that they pass quickly, that the nausea would abate.

Man, if anything....nausea is a tie to God. I can do nothing more than just pray to God that he gets me through the day, that he quiets down the ill feeling and helps me get closer and closer every day to feeling better. One day, I will want to eat. one day, I will get satisfaction and not feel worse after eating. God will stand by my side tonight and tomorrow while I work and I will not be alone. And then in 36 hours, we will have our 10 week ultrasound which Scott and I are both so excited for. The time I feel the best is around bedtime, I usually get to start feeling normal about an hour before I fall asleep. I think during the day I'm either nauseous or so tired that I feel nauseous. But around 1 in the morning, when I'm lying in bed, I feel neither tired or quite so nauseous. I'm mean I'm sleepy but not the sick tired. So, then I'm always stuck with the choice...should I take a chance and try to eat something which could ruin feeling good or do I just lie there and enjoy feeling good. I usually just lie there and enjoy feeling somewhat normal before I end up knocking out. Then I wake up instantly feeling horrible the next morning.


Scott is going to be on a neighbor island trip when I turn twelve weeks so we're waiting an additional weekend to tell our family and friends. I'll be thirteen weeks. It's 3 weeks away. I can't wait....it's so hard not to talk about it. Plus, my belly is sticking out. I already had a buddha belly before so now it's just adding on. I hope I can hide it for 3 more weeks. Good thing I like baggy clothes.

9 weeks pregnant LAST INJECTION!!!

Weight: 179.0 lb

Symptoms: Nausea, slight chest tenderness, taking a nap everyday but it's inevitable since I'm lying down every possible minute



According to online research, our babies are now both an inch long and their tails are gone. Oh, thank goodness. Their eyelids are fusing shut and won't open until the end of the second trimester. Their organs and muscles are working and they're actually moving although I won't be able to feel it for a few months. They are male or female and are showing it, although we also won't be able to see that for a few months on the ultrasound.



I told Scott about that, and I was shocked when he said he didn't want to know the gender. He was thinking about being surprised. I thought about it for a minute and then told him "I have to know. Don't worry, I won't tell you if you don't want to know but I just have to know." He laughed and said we can talk about, we do have a while and we're not out of the woods. He did say it's going to look real suspicious if I start buying all pink clothes and dresses. Hmmm, so true.



So 9 weeks was also monumental because it was officially the last of my progesterone injection...the last of months and months of all sorts of injections and shots. Oh my goodness. We did two shots a day in the beginning. They started off with injections at night and then we changed medicine and they were shots in the morning. You have to do it about the same time every day with about a 2 hour window so we had to get creative. We had our house full of people barbecuing and we would sneak off to our room. We had to do it while babysitting with insistent and curious toddlers knocking on the door wondering why we were hiding. The best was when we went to Vegas and the time difference screwed us royally. It put the daily shot at lunchtime (and this is no shot that you can just do in the arm or in the leg)...it has to be in the lovely buttocks. I had a workshop and Scott had to come to the hotel conference room at lunchtime and then we had to hunt for someplace to do the shot. The hotel was huge so we didn't have time to leave and go anywhere more private...and there were no single bathrooms.



So, I had to sneak into the men's bathroom. I figured it was a safer bet because there was only one male in my workshop and the rest were all women so we took a chance with the men's bathroom. We were so fortunate that no one walked in because you could totally see our feet beneath the stall door and I'm sure it would have looked very suspicous.



I am a little nervous about no more shots though. They have kind of been a crutch. I'm scared to have to just rely on just my body to do the job. Yikes.



Nausea wise-well, I don't know if it mental, but it seems like there's hope. With the medicine, I've been eating 1.5-2 meals a day so I'm not feeling as lightheaded and energy-less. Still not as much food as I would like so I'm looking forward to eating lots when the nausea is finally gone. And I actually have bouts when I feel normal. They don't last too long but I get so encouraged when I feel like I might actually make it.

8w6d Trip to the ER

Well my good luck with no spotting ended. In the middle of the night, early Saturday morning, I made my usual mid-sleep trip to the bathroom and there was a lot of dark blood on the toilet paper. I freaked but remembered that spotting is too be expected and it was not bright red. Spotted all saturday and into Sunday.



Then I headed to work on Sunday afternoon and felt some gushes. I had to leave work, i had to go home to change clothes anyway and I was debating going to the hospital. My ob-gyn office was closed and by the time I got home, I was bleeding bright red and regularly. Scott and I went to the hospital ER and I thought I was pretty calm and collected. I felt so horrible because all I could try to console myself was...hey there's two...if you lose one, you'll still have the other one. And there's got to be too small a chance that you would lose both. I was proud of myself for being so calm while checking in. I told scott to bring a book because I know trips to the ER always takes hours of waiting. I had all my information ready for the hospital. The guy who checked me in and asked me all sorts of questions was so nice and cheerful and I could tell he was trying to keep me distracted. Still, it hit me where I was and I had to look at Scott with tears welling in my eyes and fight back the tears. They took us right in and gave us a room and as soon as they left us alone, I started crying. I just sobbed and Scott hugged me. Maybe they heard my sobs through the hallway because we didn't wait more than ten minutes before the doctor came in. They had me change into a robe and told me they were going to do a pelvic exam and an ultrasound.



The doctor was super nice and while he was waiting for the nurse to get some special light for his clear plastic speculum, he asked if he could do the ultrasound. He did a belly ultrasound, said that since I was past 8 weeks, they didn't have to do a vag-cam. And there on the screen was two little blobs. Oh, thank God they're still in there. And he tried to show us both their heartbeats. But it was a laptop screen and I was looking up at it so I could only see the bottom baby's heartbeat fluttering. But Scott said he saw only the top one...so between the two of us, we could confirm that the doctor wasn't lying to us out of pity. He couldn't find the source of the bleeding but said that it was perfectly possible that we go on to a normal pregnancy. He was very sweet and reassuring and patted my shoulder as he gave me the news. He asked again if I did IVF or IUI and I thought he needed to know for medical reasons. but then he said he and his wife are also trying to have a baby although they're not at IVF yet. Oh, he understands me.



That night it tapered back to spotting...then picked up to bleeding by the morning...and then back again to spotting. I saw my regular OB who fit me in and she was a lot less worried than me or the ER docs. She said it was normal and she was satisfied because they saw the heartbeats on the ultrasound. She said to take it easy and watch for cramping or pains. And my next ultrasound is a week away so that will be the perfect time to check back in with the babies.



Still spotting two days later but still confident that our babies are okay. God, protect them, we love them both already!!!!

8w2d Nausea controllable?

So, last night I actually felt okay. I tried real hard to be superproductive because who knows how long that feeling will last. I came home and Scott had made fried rice at my request. I ate like two bowls and stayed up late watching tv because I almost felt normal. I swear I wanted that feeling to last forever (without endangering my babies).



This morning I wasn't feeling great but I wasn't gagging or hacking. I think I made it worse by not eating anything but really, at this point, I have no clue what I can make myself eat anymore. The doctor's office called, they got my email even thought Dr. O-chun is on vacation so they brought me in. They said when I came in that they thought I would look worse, they were expecting to have to give me an IV. But they still took me seriously, checked my urine, it was not too high in proteins. The doc asked if I wanted to try medicine and I said "YAH YAH YAH."



So, I tried it, my nausea is very manageable now, but it still hasn't restored my appetite. I'm tempted to just not eat because I dont' want to. But I have been stuffing my mouth as much as I possibly can. I'm sucking on starburst right now. But it does make me super tired. I am at work and I finally had to ask to go lie down where I fell asleep on the floor for 30 minutes.



I have absolutely no spotting which is unusual for IVF twins, and I'm so thankful to God. I was a little worried because I'm hardly peeing but the doc says it's okay. My tests are still normal.

8w1d Some days are better than others

God has given me respite. I started off super sick today but managed to actually eat a normal lunch. I'm at work and I've actually been able to do work. I guess some days are bad and some days are not as bad. I've decided to rejoice in a not-so-bad day and I'm working my tail off to get work done, because who knows what I'll be able to do tomorrow. Today I was feeling so bad at home, that I emailed my doctor and asked if she could prescribe anything for nausea. Just thinking about the possibility of medicine has given me hope, and thus has given me a bright spot in my days. I did have some Coke with my lunch. I hope not to overdo it, but I wonder if it has helped me feel better. I'm not feeling great but I don't feel half-bad.



I hope my twinnies are doing good. I know I'm just 8w1d, but since tomorrow is almost wednesday, the middle of the week, I feel like I'm just a week and a half away from my ultrasound, when it's actually 13 days.



I do feel like I'm not getting enough fluids. I've always been a peer but I drink tons of water. Now, I definitely don't drink that much water since I'm always breathing and concentrating on not gagging and not vomiting. I have to go to the bathroom often but I feel like I'm barely peeing when I do.

8w0d pregnant and miserable

Pregnancy= 8 weeks exactly

Weight: 180.2 lb (I've lost 4 pounds in less than two weeks)

Symptoms: No energy, extreme nausea, depression

Aversions: all food



I've decided to make the title of today's post real and honest. I am so blessed. This is my dream, I am so grateful for this answer to so many of our prayers. I wouldn't give this up for the world. But I'm miserable every day, all day long. The nausea is getting worse and now there's little relief from it. I haven't thrown up yet, I just have that taste in my mouth and the urge nonstop. I feel sick all the time. I'm literally sitting here at work breathing slowly trying to keep my stomach contents down. I've tried every trick. I'm sitting here with sea bands (nausea acupressure wristbands) on, I've tried small meals, crackers, water. There's no difference. I feel sick when I haven't eaten. I feel sick when I do eat. Basically I force myself to eat because I know it necessary for my body. But I feel like I'm punishing myself when I eat, it's that miserable an experience. Still I've dropped 4 pounds in less than two weeks. I'm not concerned, I've read that's pretty normal. I actually do wish I threw up because maybe there's a chance there might be some relief.



My goal is to survive the next two weeks. I read somewhere that the hormones that aggravate the stomach should peak by week ten and you should feel some relief by week 12. So, if I can get through the next two weeks, then that should be the worst of it. I googled pregnant and miserable and found this blog with all these women sharing their experience. It was so wonderful. I'm not sharing that I'm pregnant with hardly anyone until we're through our first trimester. But it also means, I can't talk to people who have kids and get their advice and encouragment through this rough time. and since all the people I know didn't announce their pregnancies until the second trimester, I never really knew what they went through. We were already moving on to baby gender and possible names. and there's such a guilt associated with this. I thought you were supposed to love pregnancy. I hated feeling normal, I wanted to feel like this was real. Well, it's real, and um, now I want to feel normal. Be pregnant but feel normal. It feels like I have the stomach flu except this isn't going to get better in a few days.



Last week, I had a bit of a scare. I had to work overtime and was on my feet for hours and walking around carrying stuff. I started to get a pain below my belly button when I walked. The next day, i still had the same pain. It felt like I pulled a muscle when I walked. I called in sick and went to the doctor. I only had the sensation sometimes when I walked but not all the time. They couldn't figure it out but told me to put myself in bed for the next two days. They also said to tell my bosses at work and that I shouldn't work overtime anymore. I told my big boss today. I felt really weird telling him. I just blurted it out. I said I just wanted to be able to ask for help on big cases and I would break up my backpack (holds equipment for our job) into smaller bags.



Lord, I just pray that these next two weeks pass quickly. That my next ultrasound shows that our babies are healthy and growing right on target. And that my body is able to adjust to the hormones and start to feel healthy and normal again. Please, Lord.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while

It's been crazy. I need a new job!!!

7w1d First prenatal appt.

Week 7 Day 1
Weight: 183 (ouch, I can't believe I'm posting that for everyone to see)
Symptoms: Complete lack of energy, consistent constant nausea all day loooooong
Cravings: anything that seems okay to eat
Aversions: creamy stuff (like mayo), fishy stuff (I always hated fish)

Well, I certainly asked God to feel pregnant. I can't believe that up until a week ago, I couldn't believe I was pregnant. Well, I never feel like throwing up or anything major...but I certainly believe I'm pregnant now. I just feel that yuckiness when you're feeling sick...when your tummy turns at the thought of certain foods...and walking around drains your energy. I haven't figured out the morning sickness (I mean all waking hour-sickness). I've read up tricks and tips. I feel fine the first hour after I wake up and then it begins (like a 3-4 out of 10) and then stays that way until bedtime. Sometimes i get moments of feeling good, it happens maybe three times a day but I haven't figured out the pattern.

I try eating saltine crackers first thing in the morning but it doesn't work. No bacon for me but so far I like Scottie's meatloaf. One day, I'm excited to eat something and the next day, it's the last thing I want to see in the world. I appear to have a one time window for everything.

Today I went to Kaiser for my first prenatal visit. I schedule my next ultrasound 3 weeks away which I figure at ten weeks will be past another big scheckpoint for me. It seems 9 weeks seems to be a scary chance for miscarriage. My doctor did say that with twins, you can miscarry at any time. Youch. So three weeks to go.

Five more weeks of this insane first trimester. How am I going to survive? I wish there was some way I could take off work and just lie in bed until this fatigue and nausea leave.

7w0d Ultrasound and yes, symptoms

So, last week, week 6 of pregnancy was pathetically long and slow as I awaited my first ultrasound. I didn't feel pregnant, I don't feel different. I felt so healthy and strong that I prayed to God to give me confirmation, morning sickness, tender BB...just something to tide me over until the ultrasound. Although if I saw a heartbeat at the ultrasound, then I would take that prayer back because that would be my confirmation and I would love to be that rare few who barely feel any symptoms during pregnancy.



The past few days 6w4d on, I started to feel slightly queasy. So, much, that I felt like I was going mental and creating symptoms. This past weekend was my days off and I just lay in bed all day. It wasn't that I was sleepy or had to take naps (although I did a few times), it was just that I felt like I had no energy. Sitting up or walking around the house just tired me out immediately. My dreams of cleaning our dirty dirty house went down the drain and I wasted four hours sweeping broken up by lying down and watching tv. I can't figure out if I'm just being real lazy.



And I do feel queasy but if I think of something else, i can distract myself and i don't notice it until my mind drifts back to it. The symptoms are there but so mild that I could be imagining it or just taking everyday tiredness and making it into a mountain. I hope the ultrasound reveals I'm really pregnant so I can not feel completely mental.



This morning, Scott and I went to the first ultrasound. Scott is soo good, he woke up extra early and was doing his devotions. Granted, I feel sick and tired, but I had this thought, I hope his faith gets us brownie points.



The nurse at the IVF clinic who loves Scott practically giggled when she saw him in the hallway as we walked to our exam room. She hugged him and she hugged me too, but I think I was the afterthought.



The doctor came in and sat down and began the exam. He had the ultrasound machine facing him so we couldn't see and I saw him just staring at the screen, and he was clicking some button and I thought....OMG, he can't even find a sac. It's empty. I was already starting to cry, not because I was that certain it was bad, but just because the emotions of the moment were so overwhelming. I realized how critical the next few minutes were going to be in our lives.



Then I heard the nurse say "That's a positive, right, doctor?" And I saw him nod. Oh, the relief. He turned the machine to us and I saw two circles. My thorough education at google medical school, I realized that there were two sacs. Oh, I had thought we might have had two begin but one didn't make it which would explain why my HCG level went from above to just normal for a single pregnancy. He showed me the right and showed us the beautiful flicker of the heartbeat. He's so experienced at this. Tell me the good news, and then break it to us gently that we had a second one but it didn't make it. Then, he moves the scan to the second circle and says "here's the second pregnancy and right there..." and I saw another flickr.



Two!!! Two babies. It was awesome. Scott leaned forward and we both were so shocked...we're having two. I said "really? I thought we were just having one...my hcg levels were not high enough for two." And the nurse nodded and said "yah, you're right. You're absolutely right." Scott had his videocamera so he taped the screen for a couple seconds although they printed out pictures anyway. Both babies are measuring 6w6d, perfect.



It's awesome, it's like we just found out we're pregnant. This is the joy, that "aha" moment that we didn't really have when we found out we're pregnant. We kept looking at our ultrasound pictures...seeing two little blobs.



So, now we get to use our second fake name. Baby Joash and Baby Manassah. That will be how we refer to them until they're born and we choose real names. Baby J and Baby M.



Now, I know I'm not being mental. I realize that I'm beyond fatigued and my queasiness lasts all day. When I wake up, I feel absolutely fine. Then about two hours later, the queasiness settles in and lasts all day. I think there's maybe two hours worth of time that I feel absolutely fine. Haven't figured out how to combat it. It's just queasiness, moderate nausea. I never feel like I have to run to the bathroom. I do avoid looking at strong foods, tuna, or mayonaise. But I always disliked those foods.



Fatigue is a different story. I sleep tons but I still feel like I'm sick, that feeling of absolutely no energy. I called in sick today. I don't know how I'm going to make it for another five weeks in secrecy. How am I going to work? I can't even function at home. Hopefully, now that God has given me wonderful confirmation, I can do without the fatigue now. That's my prayer!!