11w3d Happiness and guilt

Symptoms: Insomnia, inability to sleep longer than 4 hours, lessening nausea

Thanks to a wonderful new medicine and a strong resolve to follow orders of constant cereal snacking and attempts to eat real food have resulted in almost 16 hours of pretty good feeling. Woohoo. Now, I'm finally getting back to where I have hours where I almost feel completely normal. It's wonderful. I'm so thankful to God. Today, I only slept for four hours so I feel so tired and groggy but I didn't feel too nauseous.

We were invited to a BBQ and so I took a pill of medicine to ready myself and we went. It's all people from my husband's workplace who are mostly women (and their families) and I knew there was going to be a lot of gushing. Let's get this over with. So we did...and people gushed. I'm not really comfortable with that much attention...I'm not a wallflower but I do get a little shy when people are looking at me. I told Scott that I absolutely hate the idea of people touching my stomach. I insist that if people ever try to touch my stomach I would slap their hands away. I use to take martial arts, I have quick hands...cheehaw. Well, the first one who rushed to me is our sweet sweet friend who started rubbing my tummy. Scott gave me the expectant look. There's no way I can tell her no. Who was second in line to not only rub the tummy but she leaned over and started talking to my tummy, but another absolute sweetheart. So, I gave up...I didn't like it but my tummy was touched all night. It's just weird to me because I'm still small so it's not like I feel it's babies they're touching...they're just rubbing my chub. Nice.

It was a wonderful night. There was this awesome chili, but I think it was made with turkey which I love so much better. It wasn't spicy and that with rice was perfection. I didn't pig out but compared to my usual meals, it was pretty close to a full meal. Yahoo. It was a little uncomfortable because it was all about triplets but this is the first time people are seeing me so it's expected. People kept asking if it runs in our families and I said it does but that we also went through fertility treatments. And after a while, we managed to turn the conversations to other things and it got a little more normal.

But it brings me to a new issue that I am facing. Guilt. We put our good news on facebook. And tonight we obviously were the topic at the party. But there are other women, sweet beautiful women who are congratulating me and hugging me and I know how much they also really want children. We know these amazing women...these amazing couples who have been praying to start families and Scott and I have been praying for them every night. Every night when we prayed to be blessed with a baby, we lifted them in prayer. Because as much as our hearts ache for a child or children, we know theirs must ache as well. Now, as they hug me, I feel unexplainable guilt...because I know what it's like to be in their shoes. Watching others announce the happiest news in the world...seeing their glow...watching as everyone gushes with excitement for them. Now, I stand on the other side and my heart aches. Because I would never give up being on this side, but they deserve to be on this side with me now.

I hope they understand the look in my eyes "I'm still one of you. I'm still with you." Even with children on the way, my life and my heart has forever been molded by the painful journey of prayers, hope and tears of infertility. At the party, there were two women who really want children but have not been able to YET. I can honestly say they deserve it more than I do. They are so sweet, truly they are mothers to their friends and everyone around them. Sacrificing everything of themselves, always generous and thoughtful, the definition of warm. They hugged me and both whispered "I've been praying for you two." and all I can say is "I'm praying for you too." And I am. I don't know what to say, I don't want to say the cliche things. Everyone is celebrating and rejoicing in our answered prayer, but I know there are others who prayers aren't answered. And just as I struggled and questioned God all those longs months that stretched into years of "No," I can't say anything now because I don't know why God answered my prayer and not theirs. Yet. It was a mystery to me and still is.

I have no advice. No consoling words. I don't want to feed the cliche "Don't worry, it will happen to you." Because those words never gave me peace. I can't say that because I don't know that. All I can do is hug them and hope they sense how much I want this for them. I feel so happy for what God has done for me and Scott but I won't be satisfied until everyone on my prayer list has the chance to experience that joy.