I wanted to post this right after going through the day we found out about the heart problems. The next day we woke up in a much better place and I didn't want to leave my blog hanging on the emotions of that first critical day. But it took so long to write the details, I couldn't expand on where we are now.
The following days I woke up, still having moments when I just cry, thinking of my little girl. But also realizing that I have to go forward under the assumption that God is going to work miracles. Yes, the odds are stacked against us. But as long as there's the option, the possibility that our babies come out alive and healthy, then that will be the one I cling to.
I thought about us walking into the cardiologist appointment. Scott and I both said afterward that it hit us hard because we walked in so clueless and hopeful, we felt blindsided. But would the news have been easier to take if we had expecting the worse. I don't think so. So, while, I first felt like I was just preparing myself in case the worst happens, I don't think there's any way to prepare for that. Nothing will make it hurt less or pass easier. So, let me cling to the hope that is my God. Let me rejoice in her life now. Let me be thankful for each day I have with her.
As if God nodded alongside with me, the next day, the babies were so unbelievably active. Gizmo (Baby B) is on the right side and I felt kicks on the lower right side all day. It was the lower side so I knew it wasn't the fraternal who sits above her. I still have Scott feel my stomach while we watch TV hoping he can catch an errant twitch or kick. Finally, that night, she seemed real active and I found that if I pushed gently on my stomach, she would answer with a firm kick. I tried it a few times and each time I was rewarded with a kick. So I asked Scott for his hand, pressed it on my stomach and sure enough, he felt it. I was so happy, I said "that's her." Meet your daughter.
We had a regular visit with my OB. She brought up that the cardiologist probably asked us about terminating the pregnancy for that baby. He hadn't but it's not even an option for us. She did bring up the dangers if Gizmo passes away in the next few weeks. The body could try to reject it which would mean preterm labor for the other two babies. Or an infection could develop that could endanger the other two babies. I'm at 21 weeks tomorrow, and we need to get well past 28 weeks to get out of that danger zone. She also brought us some hope. She said you just never know with babies. They're so small at this point, as they get bigger, the doctors may be able to see more things clearer with their hearts. It goes both ways. Babies they don't think will make it do, and babies they think are in the clear don't always. So, I'm praying that the next visit, the heart will be a little bigger and give us some hope-filled news.
I never want to say I'm naive. I know how serious things are but I can't survive this unless I just believe. So I believe. I had to think about the worst case scenario. What would happen if we lost Gizmo and then lost the other two. All this, the years of waiting and doctor's visit. The shots, the blood tests, the awkward examinations. This pregnancy has been tough. Would I wish it just had never had been? And the answer is no. I am so thankful. I prayed for this, I've been able to walk this path. I think it's such a huge difference that I can feel them move. I feel like I've met them. I love them already. Every second is a blessing and an answer to my prayers.
Tomorrow we meet with a new doc who is filling in for our neonatal specialist. Next week is our cardiologist appt.
Prayer Requests:
For the aortic valve to be opened up
For the fluid around our heart to diminish
FOR NO MORE FLUID accumulating in her body
For her heart to be support her active body
For Astro (Baby A) to be able to grow and keep up without putting more stress on her sister
For Slugger (Baby C) to continue her growth and development and to watch over her sister
For God to help us through this year, we must stand on Him
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