10w4d: Trying my best

Gestation: 10 weeks 4 days

Weight: 208 lb

Symptoms: horrible nausea, gagging, dry heaving, motion sickness, constipation, napping daily, lackluster

Food aversions: Most food

Okay food: random right now, I could go for a Caesar salad, i like meatloaf or hamburger steak, i always seem to want dairy like chocolate milk, but it makes me feel sick afterward

So, last week the nausea got super bad. I upped my 2 pills of zo.fran to 3 pills a day....some days were four. I called the clinic and thankfully they said that I could increase my dose to 4 pills a day but that was the maximum. After that, to try it with sea bands and/or B6 if it wasn't enough. I told them that sea bands didn't work for me the first time and they said you never know....it might this time around. Even with the four pills, I was sick...I just wanted to call in sick and crawl into bed and cry until 20 weeks. I tried B6 pills and am only taking two 50 mg a day with food...the nurse said you can go up to 200 mg daily. It seemed to work...really well...but the side effect was that I suspect that the combination of medicine is knocking me out. I took B6 for the first time friday night, then proceeded to sleep in the next morning...get up briefly...and then nap uncontrollably to 2 in the afternoon. Almost all of Saturday, I didn't feel nauseous but I felt completely drugged. Since then, I've been oscillating between being nauseous and being sedated and drowsy. Trying not to take both things at once.

On Friday, we went to our second ultrasound...our 10 week ultrasound. We couldn't find a sitter so our baby C was with us. Baby bean is still small but amazingly starting to form shape. I could see the arms and the legs, and every now and then baby bean would jump off the side of the sac. So amazing. The ultrasound helps but still doesn't make it feel real. I just feel sick. I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel special. I don't feel like that little bouncing gummy bear on the screen is in side me. Then they listened to the heart beat which was in the 180s and sounded great and I looked up to my baby C in my husband's arms, watching the screen listening to her sibling's heartbeat for the first time and I started to tear.

I have a regular OB appt this Thursday at 11 weeks and then a first screen/NT scan next week Tuesday.

My hubby and I had a rough week last week. I'm miserable and depressed from being sick. He's having to do everything and he's getting overwhelmed and miserable himself. So, we're both feeling depressed and neither of us can help the other...we got into a huge fight. Selfishly, I just wished he would just suck it up. I keep thinking that if he can just suck it up and do it for the next few weeks, I'll make up for it when I feel better. And he feels he's doing everything he possible can. So, with the medicine and B6, I have tried to make an effort to do more...although it be pitiful.. I washed bottles on Friday night. Whoohoo, start the ticker tape parade.

I'm struggling at work...thankfully, this week looks like it might be a little less stressful. I'm just trying to survive...although it gets really sloppy. I don't know if my absences are getting noticeable. I can't call in sick because my job doesn't work like that, I have things that need to get done with daily deadlines. And I am trying to keep what little sick leave I have for maternity leave...when I take maternity leave, I'll have only had this job for exactly one year. Something I'm worried that my workplace isn't really going to like after hiring me. I tried telling one of my coworkers today...we're pretty close...but she's also very critical. I would have loved to have someone at work who knew what was going on and would understand why I'm leaving work early or just working from home. Websites say to talk to your work early if you're having a rough trimester and maybe they can work with you until you get past the hard part. My coworker didn't receive it that great. Not exactly an excited response. It was like a "oh" followed by monotone questions "how old is your other baby?" "was this natural?"...then a long time later "well, I guess...congratulations?!" Oh well, this is my life...my family...and I have a right to have family. I just know it will be a huge inconvenience and problem at work. We don't exactly have people that can cover for our positions.

Now being past 10 weeks, I can only hope that the next few weeks fly by and that i see improvement in my symptoms with each week. Reading my blog from the first pregnancy, I know it was a roller coaster ride...I'm hoping I still see an easier ride. I know it was pretty much gone by 16 weeks and got better by 14 weeks. I'm just a few days away from 11....I'm hoping that by 12, there might be some change...then 14...then 16. That makes it easier for me to think of then...just 5.5 weeks more 16 weeks. That's over a month. I'm going to just try to get to 12 and 14. Much more doable.

I also regret taking on photography gigs. Seriously, I wish I could cancel the one I have this week. I completely forgot what it was like during the first trimester. NEVER EVER book jobs for the first trimester.

9 weeks I must be pregnant

Gestation: 9 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy weight: 206.8 lb
Symptoms: nausea, gagging, near vomiting, crying at everything, tires easily, constipated

Baby: about an inch long, or the size of a grape. tail is finally gone, eyes are formed but eyelids are fused shut, heart has finished forming four chambers and those sex organs are already formed

Thank goodness for Z.of.ran. Started taking it last week Friday and it was instant relief. So much so, that I didn't even take it Sunday morning and I felt completely normal. All the way to 3 pm. I started to freak out that the pregnancy was ending and every symptom was vanishing. Then I go from that to today and yesterday where I'm taking more than the dosage. I'm supposed to take 2 a day..yesterday was a 3 pill day. Today, I can't remember if I took a third pill but I want to take another one. But I have been able to accomplish things, I took it before photographing a 1st birthday party for 3 hours and although I did feel a little sick, I could push through it and keep my mind focused.

The past few days have been horrific. I was walking out of the bookstore today and I felt like throwing up, right there on the stairs in the most populated area on campus. I hid behind a pillar and pretended to read the store sign while I breathed in an out. Actually, I was also trying to hide from the girl walking up the stairs in case I just tossed my cookies. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the car so I stopped at the dining hall and bought a small meal. And as a side effect, the pill has stopped all exiting out of the stomach in both directions. I can't tell you when the last time I went to the bathroom (TMI) but it's been a long while.

I've been sleeping in and leaving work early. I'm just so tired. Plus the z.of.ran makes me tired too. So, I can't cut my sleep short at all. But I have been staying up late and getting work done. I figure I just have to do what I can to make my time as bearable as possible.

I cry at everything. I'm always a crier but it seems that every show makes me cry. Sometimes I don't know exactly why I'm crying.

We think we're having a girl. We kind of hope we're having a girl. But I'd be super excited to have a boy too. Can you want both equally? I do. My sis is giving birth in a month and I can't wait to tell her..we definitely want all the gear we're giving her back!!! And I can't wait for this trimester to be over. I watch all these food shows and wonder when I'll be able to reward myself with a yummy meal. Oh, that will be heaven. I can't remember if I ever achieved that in the first pregnancy.

So, next week Friday is our next ultrasound. We'll be at ten weeks. Just one more week to go. I can't wait!!! We also take our last shots next week. We think it's the 9th but we're not totally sure because we lost the schedule. Oops. that will be wonderful although they've gotten much better. My sides itch but not nearly as much. And I don't know if my skin is getting numb but they also hurt a lot less.

8w0d Nausea rollercoaster

Gestational Age: 8 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy weight: 208 lb.
Symptoms: nausea up and down all day all night, no BB tenderness
Baby: about 1/2 inch long, the heart is forming four separate chambers and beating ~150 bpm, the eyelids, ears, and webbed fingers and toes are forming this week

I'm so thankful to be at 8 weeks already, 2 months down but I feel like the weeks stretch out so far ahead of me. A long time before we're out of this horrible first trimester. A month to go is a long time. Sheesh. I'm just going to have to focus on the 9 and 10 week milestones.

I'm at work right now but I wish I could just quit or take the next two months off and just lie in bed. Of course, I fluctuate between feeling almost normal and started to feel relieved and excited and then depressed with the fear that my symptoms are disappearing because I lost the baby. Yesterday morning, I had a pretty normal morning and started to think this must be the end. Then by the 2 o clock, it started to set back in and it just got worse and worse until last night I was lying in bed ready to cry. I was so exhausted and wanted to sleep but the nausea was overwhelming me and keeping me awake. So i got up and choked down two pieces of white bread. It's so hard because it is so dry that it makes me gag and I have to concentrate on keeping my mind distracted. But I think it did break the nausea down to lik 60-70% and I fell asleep. This morning I'm not feeling so hot.

Tomorrow is my first pre-natal appt with the Kaneohe Clinic. Although, they still won't take my word that I'm pregnant. They're going to do a pregnancy test and they want my forms from the clinic. I'm hoping to schedule my next ultrasound for 2 weeks from now. That will give us something to look forward to.

I'm at work now. I ate a piece of bread at home to try to stave off. I don't feel the nauseous urge to throw up usually. And I don't gag that much but I do, just randomly. Or walking makes me feel nauseous. I feel all hot and flustered. Walking down my front stairs, i started gagging and dry heaving. I wasn't even feeling that bad. It's so random.

I'm eating though. I just had rice and hamburger patty. I think if I eat, the nausea is at 40-50% constantly and then if I don't or if I just hit a rough patch, it jumps up to 80%.

Sorry to complain, but reading my post with the first pregnancy reallly helps to read the details. http://waitingforbabyjoash.blogspot.com/2010/03/8w0d-pregnant-and-miserable.html

7 weeks 1 Day-First Ultrasound..It's a....

....baby.

Symptoms: Complete nausea all day
Weight Change=not weighing myself
Milestones: Baby is the size of a blueberry this week

This morning was our first ultrasound at the IVF clinic. I started feeling nauseous early on, for the past week already. If I'm not feeling too nauseous, it's because I'm too exhausted to feel anything else but tired. There are some mornings when I wake up feeling glorious, rested and carefree. And little by little, I can feel the nausea start to creep on as time passes. I'm forcing myself to eat. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't make a difference, sometimes it makes me feel worse. But I'm eating 3 meals a day so far so I know it's not the worst it can be.

We went to the clinic this morning. Scott was a little late because of traffic so they just rushed us in. Seriously, the fastest ultrasound ever. I don't think the doc even bothered to sit down. He's the sandyhaired doctor. I can never remember their names. He turned the screen and said "there's your uterus, and there's the pregnancy."

One baby.

One baby measuring right on target with a flickering heartbeat.

Yes, a huge relief but I'm ashamed to say I'm a bit disappointed. I really had hoped for twins. It would bring us back to having three kids and seem like everything came full circle. And our baby C is special and extraordinary because of her journey. Following up with twins would mean that they would be special too. That's just my foolish thinking. I want them all to feel special. It's quite a weird concept to think that we're going to have a single, normal pregnancy. I don't know what that's like.

Plus, I"m disappointed because I want tons of kids and I realize that not every embryo is going to give us a baby. This might be our second and our last. Still, besides that stupid disappointment, I'm hopeful and so excited.

Scott said he had a dream two nights ago that he was getting the mail and he had two daughters with him (one being baby c). That's why he was so sure we weren't having twins. Well, we're certainly closer to his dream coming true.

I honestly can't believe I feel this sick with just one baby. I feel worse at this point then I did with triplets. Up until today, I had this irrational fear that I was pregnant with quads. Hmmm, I did read somewhere that morning sickness seems to be worse when you're pregnant with girls. I never buy into some of the conception and pregnancy myths I see out there...but this one could be something to think about. I actually would really like another girl. I love having a daughter. Plus, it would just make things a lot easier. We have all the clothes in the world for a little girl. We wouldn't have to buy anything, we're all set.

In one week, I'll be at 8 months. Two thirds of the way through the first trimester. Please protect my baby (girl/boy) and form their heart, organs and brain true and whole.

6 weeks 3 days Slight Nausea and Nervous for 1st Ultrasound

Weight: Heck no
Symptoms: No longer loving food, periodic nausea, periodic fatigue

So, I lost all my pregnancy weight through grief and spending my days in the hospital. Then I gained my pregnancy weight back and more through grief and having a baby at home. I now actually weigh more than when I was pregnant. So, I've not stepped on the scale in a few months now. I figure I'll get that nice shock when I go to the doctor's office in a few weeks.

Of course, ideally, I thought I would try to get into shape before we tried again but time ran out and I had gained weight instead. Aw frick!

I don't know if it is because I'm looking for it more but I've started to get periods of nausea already. Oh, no, it's starting already!!! I am at the phase where I'm not interested in food but then I think of something and go "Mmmm, yes, I want to eat that." So we get it, I eat it, then I feel nauseous and decide I never ever want to eat that again. I can no longer eat leftovers and I'm going to run out of new foods soon. Sometimes I'm really nauseous and most of the day I feel pretty normal. Right now I'm good. No explanation. So I'm not really watching what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. I actually try to eat whenever I can because I know the worst is coming soon. And since I really just don't have a hunger, I am really not drinking at much soda or tea as I used to because I just don't feel like eating or drinking

Some days I feel great like yesterday. Just energetic and motivated. Then today, I was falling asleep by lunch. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. I told the hubby to watch the little one, went to my bed and slept for three hours. Was tired all night but now that I'm at the computer, I feel fine. BBs don't feel tender which worry me. but after breastfeeding and that tenderness, maybe I'm just desensitized.

All I can think of is how that u/s appt. on Thursday will either bring me crushing news or the hugest blessing. I want to start to hope for the future but so much leans on that little doctor's appt.

FET #1

After our first successful IVF, we had four embryos that were frozen for the future use. We never really had a game plan on trying again but watching C grow up and how she loved playing with other babies, we just felt like we had to make up for the fact that she didn't get to play with her siblings. And honestly, when you're anticipating bringing three babies home and then you had two girls in the hospital but then you only bring one home, your house fills surprisingly empty. So, I have a job at an educational institution so we just grabbed the opportunity to do an FET with two of our four embryos during the winter break.

This round has been completely different. I was real bummed because I thought that FET would have much less injections than a fresh IVF. It's pretty much the same. And this round is completely different. I never thought it hurt that much the first time but maybe I just don't remember. Some days, the needle just slides in and sometimes he has to poke through goodness knows what and I'm yelling out in pain. Damn it hurts.

We did the transfer on Monday, Dec 19. I only bedrested for really a day because even though I had off...my hubby had to work and we now have a toddler. It was during christmas week craziness. That really helped pass the two week wait but it also made me worry because it seemed like this was just an add-on, something that we weren't really focusing on. I was worried that we weren't putting enough energy into it.

I took a pee test on Christmas morning and I remember being frozen with fear. How am I going to face this if it doesn't show up positive. Really, I haven't even considered the possibility that it won't work. I say I'm prepared for the worse but every part of me is hoping and planning ahead to a possible due date. But then the best Christmas day I have ever had started with the faintest of lines.

Of course I took two more EPT's every other day until my blood test and I lovingly stare at those beautiful lines all the time.

1st beta: 62 at 12 dp 5dt
2nd beta: 425 at 14 dp5dt
3rd beta: 6100 at 22 dp5dt?

We have our first ultrasound next thursday. I'm trying so hard to keep busy because the days are just crawling by. I am so thankful. I'm thankful. I'm so relieved. I'm scared. I'm still in disbelief. I'm trying to shoo away those thoughts of fear and "what ifs." I have no words of wisdom for myself, I'm just taking things as they come.

Update

Well, if you found this blog looking for advice on triplets...maybe you've found out you're pregnant with triplets and are searching for support, you may not want to read this blog. It's been almost 17 months since I last blogged. I know...because my daughter, the youngest of three and my sole surviving triplet is almost 17 months. She and her sisters were born two days after my last pregnancy update.

I started having a lot of small contractions so I lay in bed all day. They seemed to be lessening but when I woke up in the middle of the night to pee...my water broke. Later that day, my temperature spiked and the doctors can only guess that I had some sort of infection that triggered labor. The rest became a blur. My three girls were born at 26 weeks 1 day gestation. Because of Baby B (R)'s heart condition worsened by her immature lungs, she passed away within just a few hours. I was still in recovery from my emergency c-section and didn't have a chance to even hold her until it was too late. She was 2 lb 4 oz.

Baby A (A) was born first at just 1 lb 12 oz but she was so strong. Her little lungs were surprisingly strong and we could hear her cute little cry when she was just a day old. She was doing amazingly well and growing on track...until she came down with an intestinal infection, N.E. C.. It overcame her and we would lose her when she was just 19 days old.

Baby C (C) was born last at 2 lb 4 oz. She had always done great but did not enjoy the stress of being delivered. She wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated. She didn't seem to be enjoying jospital life as well as her older sister, but she was always a cruiser. After 81 days in the NICU, she came home. Literally, she saved me. It was a dark time that tore at my heart daily and holding her while I cried and mourned for her sisters was my only comfort. I had found quite a few stories of triplets who were born too early. Until I read those stories, I had never really grasped why it really was a high-risk pregnancy. As painful as it has been to lose my girls, I'm still dealing with the grief...I know that not everyone came home with a baby at all. Baby C is my blessing and I pray over her crib every night. I'm so frightened of losing my last little girl.

If you are pregnant with triplets, here is my one advice. Leave your job if you have to. Stay in bed and never get up. I had only finished work a few weeks before. The doctors thought I was doing great and warned me that bedrest was around the corner but they hadn't given me the official command. So, I was freaking out that we weren't ready. The house wasn't ready. Nothing was bought for them. My high-risk doctor told us and I agree that there really isn't much medical proof that bedrest does anything. There might be but it really isn't signficant. But he did tell us that it is for peace of mind. That you never look back and have regrets.

I have such regrets. I feel such guilt. We had run around to all these stores on Monday, trying to buy curtains and a crib. I lay back in the car when we were driving and I rode in a wheelchair in al the stores but that is when the contractions seemed to get consistent. Not close enough to warrant alarm but definitely increased. And they were present until my water broke about 36 hours later. I wish I had just quit my job and just lay down. I will always wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't been stressing...if I hadn't been moving. I can't dwell on it. It's taken me a long time to get out of the deep blackness into just a tolerable sadness. But it changed my life and it changed me. I miss the person I was.

It's been 17 months. We had an amazing support system. We now have best friends who we met through this whole ordeal. NICU nurses and people who just started showing up to give us support. We've met people in the last year who don't even know our story and just think C is our first and only baby. It gives you a sense of normalcy.

C is amazing. Sweet, funny, stubborn, energetic, a climber. She loves to give kisses and dance. She stayed here to give us comfort while her sisters are together in heaven.