Sunday, April 15, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
17 weeks pulling through the fog
Gestation: 17 weeks 0 days
Weight: 207.8 lb
Symptoms: still mild to moderate nausea (still taking my 4 pills of zo.fran a day), fatigue, belly bump (clothes don't fit), stages of extremem hunger, out of breath easily, been spotting (dark and just a tinge) consistently for a week now
Baby girl: Her skeleton is transforming froms oft cartilage to bone. Her umbilical cord is growing stronger and thicker. She weighs 5 ounces now!!! She can move her joints and her sweat glands are starting to develop. She's about the size of a turnip (which I have no idea what that looks like).
This past week, much better than previous weeks because I'm over the worst of my cold but it is lingering. I think our household has been sick for almost a month now. Thank goodness, it is Spring break so I have the week off which has just been a lifesaver for me. The nausea is mild and usually, I can just distract myself with activities and not mind it. I still take my full dose of medicine because I just want to feel normal. I'm so much more better but I do get a little depressed because I just want a day to feel normal and the last three months have taken their toll.
On Monday, we went to a movie and I ate a hot dog. I know i'm scared that those are one of the risky foods to eat but it was something I was craving so bad. It tasted so good! On Tuesday, I dropped C off at the babysitter's and I cleaned my house. We've all been getting hit hard with allergies so i'm trying to tackle the dirt and dust that used to be our house. I was so productive. I'm sleepy tired but I was able to keep moving for the whole day. Yesterday, I took C to the beach. Carrying her across sand takes such a toll on me and my body. Just walking up a short hill to get to the sand, I found myself slowly panting and heaving.
I now understand why obese people can't exercise. I always watch those shows and just think "why don't they just do a little walking every day." But I'm so tired every day...I try to save what energy I have for things that I must absolutely do...buy groceries, make dinner for the fam, bathe my baby. I have to collapse on the couch just to recover. I find myself having to give up halfway through my to-do lists. Yesterday was great for C, but I'm paying the price today. I just don't have the energy. It was just an hour trip to the beach but the physical toll, then giving baths, washing our salty clothes and towels, I'm so sluggish today.
I also need to go buy maternity clothes. My pants are too tight to wear. Oh, and I ate breakfast but didn't eat lunch. I don't even notice and can go the whole day without eating but some days (like yesterday), I was just starving. I ate a small meal every three hours. I only stopped because I finished off all the beef stroganoff and there was just nothing left to eat.
I can't remember being this fatigued the first pregnancy so I don't know if this is going to change or if maybe I'm just out of shape. I'm so thankful for this break from work...I wish I had just a little more time. I'm also picking up more photography gigs...which is great when I'm sitting at my computer setting them up but I wonder how wise it is. That trip to the beach yesterday took it out of me...will I have enough to do these shoots?
Weight: 207.8 lb
Symptoms: still mild to moderate nausea (still taking my 4 pills of zo.fran a day), fatigue, belly bump (clothes don't fit), stages of extremem hunger, out of breath easily, been spotting (dark and just a tinge) consistently for a week now
Baby girl: Her skeleton is transforming froms oft cartilage to bone. Her umbilical cord is growing stronger and thicker. She weighs 5 ounces now!!! She can move her joints and her sweat glands are starting to develop. She's about the size of a turnip (which I have no idea what that looks like).
This past week, much better than previous weeks because I'm over the worst of my cold but it is lingering. I think our household has been sick for almost a month now. Thank goodness, it is Spring break so I have the week off which has just been a lifesaver for me. The nausea is mild and usually, I can just distract myself with activities and not mind it. I still take my full dose of medicine because I just want to feel normal. I'm so much more better but I do get a little depressed because I just want a day to feel normal and the last three months have taken their toll.
On Monday, we went to a movie and I ate a hot dog. I know i'm scared that those are one of the risky foods to eat but it was something I was craving so bad. It tasted so good! On Tuesday, I dropped C off at the babysitter's and I cleaned my house. We've all been getting hit hard with allergies so i'm trying to tackle the dirt and dust that used to be our house. I was so productive. I'm sleepy tired but I was able to keep moving for the whole day. Yesterday, I took C to the beach. Carrying her across sand takes such a toll on me and my body. Just walking up a short hill to get to the sand, I found myself slowly panting and heaving.
I now understand why obese people can't exercise. I always watch those shows and just think "why don't they just do a little walking every day." But I'm so tired every day...I try to save what energy I have for things that I must absolutely do...buy groceries, make dinner for the fam, bathe my baby. I have to collapse on the couch just to recover. I find myself having to give up halfway through my to-do lists. Yesterday was great for C, but I'm paying the price today. I just don't have the energy. It was just an hour trip to the beach but the physical toll, then giving baths, washing our salty clothes and towels, I'm so sluggish today.
I also need to go buy maternity clothes. My pants are too tight to wear. Oh, and I ate breakfast but didn't eat lunch. I don't even notice and can go the whole day without eating but some days (like yesterday), I was just starving. I ate a small meal every three hours. I only stopped because I finished off all the beef stroganoff and there was just nothing left to eat.
I can't remember being this fatigued the first pregnancy so I don't know if this is going to change or if maybe I'm just out of shape. I'm so thankful for this break from work...I wish I had just a little more time. I'm also picking up more photography gigs...which is great when I'm sitting at my computer setting them up but I wonder how wise it is. That trip to the beach yesterday took it out of me...will I have enough to do these shoots?
Saturday, March 24, 2012
16 weeks sigh
Gestations: 16 weeks 2 days
Weight: 205.6 lb
Symptoms: mild to moderate nausea, lessening motion sickness, bulging belly, barely noticeable larger breasts, trouble eating normal to large meals, still tired
Baby: baby girl is about 4 inches long and 3-4 ounces. She's the size of an avocado. That seems big to me since Astro got down to 1 lb 12 oz after birth. Baby girl is starting to make different expressions and bones have formed in her ear meaning that she can start to hear now.
Boy, boy, just got home from the Eas.ter fun fair. So exhausted. Thank goodness that I'm starting spring break. I'm just feeling useless.
My cold is still lingering but it finally started to dissipate on Tuesday. The nausea dropped from severe to moderate but I just passed sixteen months and I still feel it. Not horrible, but I'm not normal. Super upset.
This past week, I felt much more normal most of the days but I also started having trouble eating. My stomach just feels pushed up. I noticed that just eating a little would make my stomach hurt and it felt like I had food in my throat. So, I'm battling to eating small but frequent meals and not feeling like I want to eat sometimes.
I'm trying to put in more at work but it just get tired out so easily. It's so much walking...just getting to my office from the car takes it out of me. I know I'm way better than a month ago so I'm trying to do more also.
I'm in stretchy yoga pants. Halfway through the week, I just realized that my pants waistband was just too tight. The rest of my clothes fit fine, just the waist. I need to go buy some maternity clothes before school starts up again. I'm been spotting again since yesterday but just spotting and it is very dark and old-looking. Still, torn between trying to clean my house and get myself in order during spring break and also knowing I don't want to risk pushing myself.
Today I found myself rubbing my tummy. I think I'm starting to look and feel pregnant. It's nice. We've been telling people in person and word is getting around. We go to the specialist in a week for our next ultrasound. With the spotting, I'm relieved the ultrasound is coming quickly and we should find out for sure if we are having a girl or not.
'
So glad to be here at 16 weeks. Hoping 17 weeks brings a complete end to nausea...a little scared this pregnancy is going to be different. Please no!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
15 weeks 0 days Sickness, Nausea and a lovely trip to the ER
Gestational Age: 15 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy Weight: 205.6 lb
Symptoms: some bleeding over the weekend, nausea, motion sickness, a growing belly, bluish veins on chest
Well, I took so long to blog that I kind of forget everything. I just remember
12 weeks 3 days and 4 days: The nausea was bad that I wanted to just give up. I threw up in the St. John bathroom at work which is a disgustingly dirty place anyway...I then am scared to go back in there. I called my doctor almost crying. The medicine isn't working, i want to try something else...anything else. They said that I could try another medicine but it was less effective and wouldn't take away the nausea but it would also make me drowsy and some people have difficulty going to work because of the drowsiness. So, whatever, I'll stick with it.
Then right before I hit 13 weeks, I felt a huge change. My nausea is still consistent and all day long but it is much less intense. It became so much more milder. Oh, my goodness...could it be?!? Even before i hit 14 weeks. I started feeling so much happier, the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter. We were going to make it!!
We told Scott's grandparents that we were pregnant and his feisty grandma's first response was that we needed to be careful. That she miscarried during her fourth month of pregnancy three times. That she was horribly sick with nausea and when it finally started to go away, then she miscarried. Well, isn't that lovely...so then that got me stinking worrying about the sudden decrease in nausea miserableness.
I know nausea is a rollercoaster but a week went by without having a really bad day. All right!!! then we got super busy...my brother and his familly came in, I was swamped at work. The fatigue and constant driving around really got my nausea revved up. Scott told people at his working place so we saw them all at a baby shower and everyone was super excited. Then that night, as I was going to bed, I coughed or sneezed and felt a rush of wetness. I thought it was pee until I looked and saw bright red bloo.
Scott was using the bathroom but I barged in and just said "i'm bleeding." It was midnight and I was bleeding a heavy bright red flow. I kept going to the bathroom and TMI...sometimes I could just push and a stream of blood would come out as if I was peeing. I knew it wasn't a good sign. But I also knew we were exhausted. My brother and his family were sleeping in the living room. And I knew if I was miscarrying, the hospital wouldn't be able to do anything. So, I told Scott that we should just try to get some sleep and go to the ER in the morning. I couldn't sleep of course...I kept going to the bathroom every 30 minutes and wiping away blood. I managed to sleep for about 4 hours and I woke up at six...I was still bleeding. So, Scott and I dropped C off at his parents and went to the hospital.
All night, I just kept thinking about what I did to cause a miscarriage. I had been active that day but nothing too hard. I had been feeling so nauseous that i laid down a lot. I didn't carry anything heavy. I started questioning whether it was because I took an extra Zof.ran pill every now and then. I had taken that one allergy pill that one day and I wasn't positive if that was allowed. Maybe she had passed away weeks before and my body was only now started to reject her. Our last appointment was three weeks prior, why the doctors have me scheduled for an appointment later in the first trimester instead of at 11 weeks.
I also just wondered if we produced defective children and C was truly our one and only miracle child. I held it together the whole time we got to the hospital and checked in. Answered questions matter-of-factly, just felt cold inside and out. They put me in a room and the doctor came in with an ultrasound machine. I wouldn't look. He was moving the wand around and I kept a timed commentary in my head "he's looking for the baby...he found her...he's looking at the heart...there's no heartbeat...he waits...no heartbeat...he moved to try a different angle...still no heartbeat." Then he took the wand away and said "I see the baby...I see a nice heartbeat."
What?!? Then the flood of tears just broke. Oh, my God. I cant' believe it. He was such a nice doctor. He picked the wand back up and showed us. There she was...lying on her back looking bigger than the last time we saw her. He did a pelvic exam and I was still bleeding although much less. So they had an ultrasound tech do a better ultrasound to look for the source of bleeding They suspect my placenta might be covering the cervix which it can move. They think there might be a tiny bit of blood but can't be sure. They said that it would be a very bad sign if i was earlier in my pregnancy but I'm in a much better stage but he stressed, I'm not out of the woods yet. No pelvice activity (my head whipped around to look at poor Scott).
Sunday, the bleeding started to fade and then decrease but by the end of Monday it was just spotting and then completely disappeared. What a relief.
My regular OB waved off the ultrasound tech's idea that I might have placenta previ.a. She said "they're not my brother. he'll find out for sure." So I saw baby on Sunday and heard her heartbeat on Monday. I go back tomorrow for a regular visit so I'll hear her again...that's very reassuring.
Unfortunately, the stress and the lack of sleep made me vulnerable and I came down with a super bad cold. all this phlegm and coughing has just shot my nausea back up to overdrive. I threw up the remains of slurpee on Monday. That brings this pregnancy's vomit number to more than with the triplet pregnancy. So, now I'm at 15 weeks and I don't see the nausea getting better. BLAH!!! My poor hubby is back to being depressed again. Hopefully next week will bring a different story.
Pregnancy Weight: 205.6 lb
Symptoms: some bleeding over the weekend, nausea, motion sickness, a growing belly, bluish veins on chest
Well, I took so long to blog that I kind of forget everything. I just remember
12 weeks 3 days and 4 days: The nausea was bad that I wanted to just give up. I threw up in the St. John bathroom at work which is a disgustingly dirty place anyway...I then am scared to go back in there. I called my doctor almost crying. The medicine isn't working, i want to try something else...anything else. They said that I could try another medicine but it was less effective and wouldn't take away the nausea but it would also make me drowsy and some people have difficulty going to work because of the drowsiness. So, whatever, I'll stick with it.
Then right before I hit 13 weeks, I felt a huge change. My nausea is still consistent and all day long but it is much less intense. It became so much more milder. Oh, my goodness...could it be?!? Even before i hit 14 weeks. I started feeling so much happier, the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter. We were going to make it!!
We told Scott's grandparents that we were pregnant and his feisty grandma's first response was that we needed to be careful. That she miscarried during her fourth month of pregnancy three times. That she was horribly sick with nausea and when it finally started to go away, then she miscarried. Well, isn't that lovely...so then that got me stinking worrying about the sudden decrease in nausea miserableness.
I know nausea is a rollercoaster but a week went by without having a really bad day. All right!!! then we got super busy...my brother and his familly came in, I was swamped at work. The fatigue and constant driving around really got my nausea revved up. Scott told people at his working place so we saw them all at a baby shower and everyone was super excited. Then that night, as I was going to bed, I coughed or sneezed and felt a rush of wetness. I thought it was pee until I looked and saw bright red bloo.
Scott was using the bathroom but I barged in and just said "i'm bleeding." It was midnight and I was bleeding a heavy bright red flow. I kept going to the bathroom and TMI...sometimes I could just push and a stream of blood would come out as if I was peeing. I knew it wasn't a good sign. But I also knew we were exhausted. My brother and his family were sleeping in the living room. And I knew if I was miscarrying, the hospital wouldn't be able to do anything. So, I told Scott that we should just try to get some sleep and go to the ER in the morning. I couldn't sleep of course...I kept going to the bathroom every 30 minutes and wiping away blood. I managed to sleep for about 4 hours and I woke up at six...I was still bleeding. So, Scott and I dropped C off at his parents and went to the hospital.
All night, I just kept thinking about what I did to cause a miscarriage. I had been active that day but nothing too hard. I had been feeling so nauseous that i laid down a lot. I didn't carry anything heavy. I started questioning whether it was because I took an extra Zof.ran pill every now and then. I had taken that one allergy pill that one day and I wasn't positive if that was allowed. Maybe she had passed away weeks before and my body was only now started to reject her. Our last appointment was three weeks prior, why the doctors have me scheduled for an appointment later in the first trimester instead of at 11 weeks.
I also just wondered if we produced defective children and C was truly our one and only miracle child. I held it together the whole time we got to the hospital and checked in. Answered questions matter-of-factly, just felt cold inside and out. They put me in a room and the doctor came in with an ultrasound machine. I wouldn't look. He was moving the wand around and I kept a timed commentary in my head "he's looking for the baby...he found her...he's looking at the heart...there's no heartbeat...he waits...no heartbeat...he moved to try a different angle...still no heartbeat." Then he took the wand away and said "I see the baby...I see a nice heartbeat."
What?!? Then the flood of tears just broke. Oh, my God. I cant' believe it. He was such a nice doctor. He picked the wand back up and showed us. There she was...lying on her back looking bigger than the last time we saw her. He did a pelvic exam and I was still bleeding although much less. So they had an ultrasound tech do a better ultrasound to look for the source of bleeding They suspect my placenta might be covering the cervix which it can move. They think there might be a tiny bit of blood but can't be sure. They said that it would be a very bad sign if i was earlier in my pregnancy but I'm in a much better stage but he stressed, I'm not out of the woods yet. No pelvice activity (my head whipped around to look at poor Scott).
Sunday, the bleeding started to fade and then decrease but by the end of Monday it was just spotting and then completely disappeared. What a relief.
My regular OB waved off the ultrasound tech's idea that I might have placenta previ.a. She said "they're not my brother. he'll find out for sure." So I saw baby on Sunday and heard her heartbeat on Monday. I go back tomorrow for a regular visit so I'll hear her again...that's very reassuring.
Unfortunately, the stress and the lack of sleep made me vulnerable and I came down with a super bad cold. all this phlegm and coughing has just shot my nausea back up to overdrive. I threw up the remains of slurpee on Monday. That brings this pregnancy's vomit number to more than with the triplet pregnancy. So, now I'm at 15 weeks and I don't see the nausea getting better. BLAH!!! My poor hubby is back to being depressed again. Hopefully next week will bring a different story.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
13 weeks 0 days It's so much better
Today I'm actually 13 weeks 6 days but I never posted from last week Thursday.
Gestational Age: 13 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy weight: 206.8 lb
Symptoms: no chest tenderness, no cravings, headaches on certain days (probably dehydration),
Friday, February 24, 2012
12 weeks 0 days It's not working
Gestational Age: 12w0d
Pregnancy Weight: 205.6 (I am about 30 lb heavier than this stage in the first pregnancy)
Symptoms: Moderate but persistent nausea from morning to night, gagging, having to walk slowly, hate car rides, no motivation,
Food aversions: anything saucy or moist, I crave dairy but it does not sit well with me
Baby is: about 2 inches long and weighs in at 0.5 oz. She's developing reflexes like opening and closing her hand, curling her toes and making sucking movements with her mouth.
I am so close but I feel like I'm losing steam. So time is slowing down and I'm rapidly running out of motivation and hope. I have about two minutes from the time I wake up until I feel the nausea start to rise through my groggy fog. And there it rumbles with me until about ten minutes after I fall asleep. I have the feeling that my medicine is not working for me. I feel no different after taking it but I take it anyway, all four pills because if it is working, then I don't want to experience how bad it is when I don't take it.
This past Monday I had a period of normalcy. I had a photo shoot in the morning and met Scott for lunch. I of course didn't feel like food so I suggested shave ice but then realized that there were hunger pangs mixed in with the nausea. So we ate Hawaiian food, beef stew and lau lau. And I ate and ate and it tasted good. I felt great afterward. I was so happy. Maybe this was the turn around. Really, this week, I feel much better than I did a week and half ago. But it's still nausea. After Monday's experience, I keep trying to recreate that great feeling. Forcing myself to eat, hoping to get the same response. It's not been successful. It's depressing. I want to know at what point I start to feel better. But I know this week on a whole has been much better than last week. I'm not happy but I'm able to do work. Yes, I'd much rather lie in bed all day but I can get myself to move around and do stuff. I have noticed that I feel better on weekends...I really do think it's the mentality of being able to relax that helps.
We went to see our specialist on Tuesday for a first screening, the dreaded NT test. I was so anxious but I saw the tech type in NT=1.0. Oh, I know that's good!!! So, when the doctor came in, he told me what I already suspected. Baby is looking normal...boring is the word he used. Of course, we'll do a more thorough check with the cardiologist at 20 weeks but we passed one milestone. And yes, we know it's super early but we asked for a look at the crotch and in his medical best opinion, giving it about a 90% chance...he declared we are having an....
another girl!
ha ha ha, we know the baby is small but I'm going to assume that he's right and maybe we'll just get another surprise at the next visit. he was right the last time=)
Ha ha, I can't believe another girl. Oh, boy, I hope we can come up with a girl name that we both like. That's so difficult for us.
We're not going as public as the first time with facebook and blogs. But we are starting to tell people around us. I called my siblings after the doctor said everything looks good with her heart. My sisters are so excited...the pregnant one cried. My brother kind of took it in an odd fashion, sounded like something else was bothering him but I don't know what. The big thing was I told my work place. I've only been there half a year so I don't think they're that happy but they're rolling with it. Phew, I was dreading that part.
I hit 12 weeks which is a big milestone. Now, if I can just hit 14 weeks and then 16 weeks, I know I'm going to see dramatic improvement in the nausea. I just wish the end of nausea would get her a ton bit faster.
Pregnancy Weight: 205.6 (I am about 30 lb heavier than this stage in the first pregnancy)
Symptoms: Moderate but persistent nausea from morning to night, gagging, having to walk slowly, hate car rides, no motivation,
Food aversions: anything saucy or moist, I crave dairy but it does not sit well with me
Baby is: about 2 inches long and weighs in at 0.5 oz. She's developing reflexes like opening and closing her hand, curling her toes and making sucking movements with her mouth.
I am so close but I feel like I'm losing steam. So time is slowing down and I'm rapidly running out of motivation and hope. I have about two minutes from the time I wake up until I feel the nausea start to rise through my groggy fog. And there it rumbles with me until about ten minutes after I fall asleep. I have the feeling that my medicine is not working for me. I feel no different after taking it but I take it anyway, all four pills because if it is working, then I don't want to experience how bad it is when I don't take it.
This past Monday I had a period of normalcy. I had a photo shoot in the morning and met Scott for lunch. I of course didn't feel like food so I suggested shave ice but then realized that there were hunger pangs mixed in with the nausea. So we ate Hawaiian food, beef stew and lau lau. And I ate and ate and it tasted good. I felt great afterward. I was so happy. Maybe this was the turn around. Really, this week, I feel much better than I did a week and half ago. But it's still nausea. After Monday's experience, I keep trying to recreate that great feeling. Forcing myself to eat, hoping to get the same response. It's not been successful. It's depressing. I want to know at what point I start to feel better. But I know this week on a whole has been much better than last week. I'm not happy but I'm able to do work. Yes, I'd much rather lie in bed all day but I can get myself to move around and do stuff. I have noticed that I feel better on weekends...I really do think it's the mentality of being able to relax that helps.
We went to see our specialist on Tuesday for a first screening, the dreaded NT test. I was so anxious but I saw the tech type in NT=1.0. Oh, I know that's good!!! So, when the doctor came in, he told me what I already suspected. Baby is looking normal...boring is the word he used. Of course, we'll do a more thorough check with the cardiologist at 20 weeks but we passed one milestone. And yes, we know it's super early but we asked for a look at the crotch and in his medical best opinion, giving it about a 90% chance...he declared we are having an....
another girl!
ha ha ha, we know the baby is small but I'm going to assume that he's right and maybe we'll just get another surprise at the next visit. he was right the last time=)
Ha ha, I can't believe another girl. Oh, boy, I hope we can come up with a girl name that we both like. That's so difficult for us.
We're not going as public as the first time with facebook and blogs. But we are starting to tell people around us. I called my siblings after the doctor said everything looks good with her heart. My sisters are so excited...the pregnant one cried. My brother kind of took it in an odd fashion, sounded like something else was bothering him but I don't know what. The big thing was I told my work place. I've only been there half a year so I don't think they're that happy but they're rolling with it. Phew, I was dreading that part.
I hit 12 weeks which is a big milestone. Now, if I can just hit 14 weeks and then 16 weeks, I know I'm going to see dramatic improvement in the nausea. I just wish the end of nausea would get her a ton bit faster.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
10w4d: Trying my best
Gestation: 10 weeks 4 days
Weight: 208 lb
Symptoms: horrible nausea, gagging, dry heaving, motion sickness, constipation, napping daily, lackluster
Food aversions: Most food
Okay food: random right now, I could go for a Caesar salad, i like meatloaf or hamburger steak, i always seem to want dairy like chocolate milk, but it makes me feel sick afterward
So, last week the nausea got super bad. I upped my 2 pills of zo.fran to 3 pills a day....some days were four. I called the clinic and thankfully they said that I could increase my dose to 4 pills a day but that was the maximum. After that, to try it with sea bands and/or B6 if it wasn't enough. I told them that sea bands didn't work for me the first time and they said you never know....it might this time around. Even with the four pills, I was sick...I just wanted to call in sick and crawl into bed and cry until 20 weeks. I tried B6 pills and am only taking two 50 mg a day with food...the nurse said you can go up to 200 mg daily. It seemed to work...really well...but the side effect was that I suspect that the combination of medicine is knocking me out. I took B6 for the first time friday night, then proceeded to sleep in the next morning...get up briefly...and then nap uncontrollably to 2 in the afternoon. Almost all of Saturday, I didn't feel nauseous but I felt completely drugged. Since then, I've been oscillating between being nauseous and being sedated and drowsy. Trying not to take both things at once.
On Friday, we went to our second ultrasound...our 10 week ultrasound. We couldn't find a sitter so our baby C was with us. Baby bean is still small but amazingly starting to form shape. I could see the arms and the legs, and every now and then baby bean would jump off the side of the sac. So amazing. The ultrasound helps but still doesn't make it feel real. I just feel sick. I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel special. I don't feel like that little bouncing gummy bear on the screen is in side me. Then they listened to the heart beat which was in the 180s and sounded great and I looked up to my baby C in my husband's arms, watching the screen listening to her sibling's heartbeat for the first time and I started to tear.
I have a regular OB appt this Thursday at 11 weeks and then a first screen/NT scan next week Tuesday.
My hubby and I had a rough week last week. I'm miserable and depressed from being sick. He's having to do everything and he's getting overwhelmed and miserable himself. So, we're both feeling depressed and neither of us can help the other...we got into a huge fight. Selfishly, I just wished he would just suck it up. I keep thinking that if he can just suck it up and do it for the next few weeks, I'll make up for it when I feel better. And he feels he's doing everything he possible can. So, with the medicine and B6, I have tried to make an effort to do more...although it be pitiful.. I washed bottles on Friday night. Whoohoo, start the ticker tape parade.
I'm struggling at work...thankfully, this week looks like it might be a little less stressful. I'm just trying to survive...although it gets really sloppy. I don't know if my absences are getting noticeable. I can't call in sick because my job doesn't work like that, I have things that need to get done with daily deadlines. And I am trying to keep what little sick leave I have for maternity leave...when I take maternity leave, I'll have only had this job for exactly one year. Something I'm worried that my workplace isn't really going to like after hiring me. I tried telling one of my coworkers today...we're pretty close...but she's also very critical. I would have loved to have someone at work who knew what was going on and would understand why I'm leaving work early or just working from home. Websites say to talk to your work early if you're having a rough trimester and maybe they can work with you until you get past the hard part. My coworker didn't receive it that great. Not exactly an excited response. It was like a "oh" followed by monotone questions "how old is your other baby?" "was this natural?"...then a long time later "well, I guess...congratulations?!" Oh well, this is my life...my family...and I have a right to have family. I just know it will be a huge inconvenience and problem at work. We don't exactly have people that can cover for our positions.
Now being past 10 weeks, I can only hope that the next few weeks fly by and that i see improvement in my symptoms with each week. Reading my blog from the first pregnancy, I know it was a roller coaster ride...I'm hoping I still see an easier ride. I know it was pretty much gone by 16 weeks and got better by 14 weeks. I'm just a few days away from 11....I'm hoping that by 12, there might be some change...then 14...then 16. That makes it easier for me to think of then...just 5.5 weeks more 16 weeks. That's over a month. I'm going to just try to get to 12 and 14. Much more doable.
I also regret taking on photography gigs. Seriously, I wish I could cancel the one I have this week. I completely forgot what it was like during the first trimester. NEVER EVER book jobs for the first trimester.
Friday, February 3, 2012
9 weeks I must be pregnant
Gestation: 9 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy weight: 206.8 lb
Symptoms: nausea, gagging, near vomiting, crying at everything, tires easily, constipated
Baby: about an inch long, or the size of a grape. tail is finally gone, eyes are formed but eyelids are fused shut, heart has finished forming four chambers and those sex organs are already formed
Thank goodness for Z.of.ran. Started taking it last week Friday and it was instant relief. So much so, that I didn't even take it Sunday morning and I felt completely normal. All the way to 3 pm. I started to freak out that the pregnancy was ending and every symptom was vanishing. Then I go from that to today and yesterday where I'm taking more than the dosage. I'm supposed to take 2 a day..yesterday was a 3 pill day. Today, I can't remember if I took a third pill but I want to take another one. But I have been able to accomplish things, I took it before photographing a 1st birthday party for 3 hours and although I did feel a little sick, I could push through it and keep my mind focused.
The past few days have been horrific. I was walking out of the bookstore today and I felt like throwing up, right there on the stairs in the most populated area on campus. I hid behind a pillar and pretended to read the store sign while I breathed in an out. Actually, I was also trying to hide from the girl walking up the stairs in case I just tossed my cookies. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the car so I stopped at the dining hall and bought a small meal. And as a side effect, the pill has stopped all exiting out of the stomach in both directions. I can't tell you when the last time I went to the bathroom (TMI) but it's been a long while.
I've been sleeping in and leaving work early. I'm just so tired. Plus the z.of.ran makes me tired too. So, I can't cut my sleep short at all. But I have been staying up late and getting work done. I figure I just have to do what I can to make my time as bearable as possible.
I cry at everything. I'm always a crier but it seems that every show makes me cry. Sometimes I don't know exactly why I'm crying.
We think we're having a girl. We kind of hope we're having a girl. But I'd be super excited to have a boy too. Can you want both equally? I do. My sis is giving birth in a month and I can't wait to tell her..we definitely want all the gear we're giving her back!!! And I can't wait for this trimester to be over. I watch all these food shows and wonder when I'll be able to reward myself with a yummy meal. Oh, that will be heaven. I can't remember if I ever achieved that in the first pregnancy.
So, next week Friday is our next ultrasound. We'll be at ten weeks. Just one more week to go. I can't wait!!! We also take our last shots next week. We think it's the 9th but we're not totally sure because we lost the schedule. Oops. that will be wonderful although they've gotten much better. My sides itch but not nearly as much. And I don't know if my skin is getting numb but they also hurt a lot less.
Pregnancy weight: 206.8 lb
Symptoms: nausea, gagging, near vomiting, crying at everything, tires easily, constipated
Baby: about an inch long, or the size of a grape. tail is finally gone, eyes are formed but eyelids are fused shut, heart has finished forming four chambers and those sex organs are already formed
Thank goodness for Z.of.ran. Started taking it last week Friday and it was instant relief. So much so, that I didn't even take it Sunday morning and I felt completely normal. All the way to 3 pm. I started to freak out that the pregnancy was ending and every symptom was vanishing. Then I go from that to today and yesterday where I'm taking more than the dosage. I'm supposed to take 2 a day..yesterday was a 3 pill day. Today, I can't remember if I took a third pill but I want to take another one. But I have been able to accomplish things, I took it before photographing a 1st birthday party for 3 hours and although I did feel a little sick, I could push through it and keep my mind focused.
The past few days have been horrific. I was walking out of the bookstore today and I felt like throwing up, right there on the stairs in the most populated area on campus. I hid behind a pillar and pretended to read the store sign while I breathed in an out. Actually, I was also trying to hide from the girl walking up the stairs in case I just tossed my cookies. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the car so I stopped at the dining hall and bought a small meal. And as a side effect, the pill has stopped all exiting out of the stomach in both directions. I can't tell you when the last time I went to the bathroom (TMI) but it's been a long while.
I've been sleeping in and leaving work early. I'm just so tired. Plus the z.of.ran makes me tired too. So, I can't cut my sleep short at all. But I have been staying up late and getting work done. I figure I just have to do what I can to make my time as bearable as possible.
I cry at everything. I'm always a crier but it seems that every show makes me cry. Sometimes I don't know exactly why I'm crying.
We think we're having a girl. We kind of hope we're having a girl. But I'd be super excited to have a boy too. Can you want both equally? I do. My sis is giving birth in a month and I can't wait to tell her..we definitely want all the gear we're giving her back!!! And I can't wait for this trimester to be over. I watch all these food shows and wonder when I'll be able to reward myself with a yummy meal. Oh, that will be heaven. I can't remember if I ever achieved that in the first pregnancy.
So, next week Friday is our next ultrasound. We'll be at ten weeks. Just one more week to go. I can't wait!!! We also take our last shots next week. We think it's the 9th but we're not totally sure because we lost the schedule. Oops. that will be wonderful although they've gotten much better. My sides itch but not nearly as much. And I don't know if my skin is getting numb but they also hurt a lot less.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
8w0d Nausea rollercoaster
Gestational Age: 8 weeks 0 days
Pregnancy weight: 208 lb.
Symptoms: nausea up and down all day all night, no BB tenderness
Baby: about 1/2 inch long, the heart is forming four separate chambers and beating ~150 bpm, the eyelids, ears, and webbed fingers and toes are forming this week
I'm so thankful to be at 8 weeks already, 2 months down but I feel like the weeks stretch out so far ahead of me. A long time before we're out of this horrible first trimester. A month to go is a long time. Sheesh. I'm just going to have to focus on the 9 and 10 week milestones.
I'm at work right now but I wish I could just quit or take the next two months off and just lie in bed. Of course, I fluctuate between feeling almost normal and started to feel relieved and excited and then depressed with the fear that my symptoms are disappearing because I lost the baby. Yesterday morning, I had a pretty normal morning and started to think this must be the end. Then by the 2 o clock, it started to set back in and it just got worse and worse until last night I was lying in bed ready to cry. I was so exhausted and wanted to sleep but the nausea was overwhelming me and keeping me awake. So i got up and choked down two pieces of white bread. It's so hard because it is so dry that it makes me gag and I have to concentrate on keeping my mind distracted. But I think it did break the nausea down to lik 60-70% and I fell asleep. This morning I'm not feeling so hot.
Tomorrow is my first pre-natal appt with the Kaneohe Clinic. Although, they still won't take my word that I'm pregnant. They're going to do a pregnancy test and they want my forms from the clinic. I'm hoping to schedule my next ultrasound for 2 weeks from now. That will give us something to look forward to.
I'm at work now. I ate a piece of bread at home to try to stave off. I don't feel the nauseous urge to throw up usually. And I don't gag that much but I do, just randomly. Or walking makes me feel nauseous. I feel all hot and flustered. Walking down my front stairs, i started gagging and dry heaving. I wasn't even feeling that bad. It's so random.
I'm eating though. I just had rice and hamburger patty. I think if I eat, the nausea is at 40-50% constantly and then if I don't or if I just hit a rough patch, it jumps up to 80%.
Sorry to complain, but reading my post with the first pregnancy reallly helps to read the details. http://waitingforbabyjoash.blogspot.com/2010/03/8w0d-pregnant-and-miserable.html
Pregnancy weight: 208 lb.
Symptoms: nausea up and down all day all night, no BB tenderness
Baby: about 1/2 inch long, the heart is forming four separate chambers and beating ~150 bpm, the eyelids, ears, and webbed fingers and toes are forming this week
I'm so thankful to be at 8 weeks already, 2 months down but I feel like the weeks stretch out so far ahead of me. A long time before we're out of this horrible first trimester. A month to go is a long time. Sheesh. I'm just going to have to focus on the 9 and 10 week milestones.
I'm at work right now but I wish I could just quit or take the next two months off and just lie in bed. Of course, I fluctuate between feeling almost normal and started to feel relieved and excited and then depressed with the fear that my symptoms are disappearing because I lost the baby. Yesterday morning, I had a pretty normal morning and started to think this must be the end. Then by the 2 o clock, it started to set back in and it just got worse and worse until last night I was lying in bed ready to cry. I was so exhausted and wanted to sleep but the nausea was overwhelming me and keeping me awake. So i got up and choked down two pieces of white bread. It's so hard because it is so dry that it makes me gag and I have to concentrate on keeping my mind distracted. But I think it did break the nausea down to lik 60-70% and I fell asleep. This morning I'm not feeling so hot.
Tomorrow is my first pre-natal appt with the Kaneohe Clinic. Although, they still won't take my word that I'm pregnant. They're going to do a pregnancy test and they want my forms from the clinic. I'm hoping to schedule my next ultrasound for 2 weeks from now. That will give us something to look forward to.
I'm at work now. I ate a piece of bread at home to try to stave off. I don't feel the nauseous urge to throw up usually. And I don't gag that much but I do, just randomly. Or walking makes me feel nauseous. I feel all hot and flustered. Walking down my front stairs, i started gagging and dry heaving. I wasn't even feeling that bad. It's so random.
I'm eating though. I just had rice and hamburger patty. I think if I eat, the nausea is at 40-50% constantly and then if I don't or if I just hit a rough patch, it jumps up to 80%.
Sorry to complain, but reading my post with the first pregnancy reallly helps to read the details. http://waitingforbabyjoash.blogspot.com/2010/03/8w0d-pregnant-and-miserable.html
Thursday, January 19, 2012
7 weeks 1 Day-First Ultrasound..It's a....
....baby.
Symptoms: Complete nausea all day
Weight Change=not weighing myself
Milestones: Baby is the size of a blueberry this week
This morning was our first ultrasound at the IVF clinic. I started feeling nauseous early on, for the past week already. If I'm not feeling too nauseous, it's because I'm too exhausted to feel anything else but tired. There are some mornings when I wake up feeling glorious, rested and carefree. And little by little, I can feel the nausea start to creep on as time passes. I'm forcing myself to eat. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't make a difference, sometimes it makes me feel worse. But I'm eating 3 meals a day so far so I know it's not the worst it can be.
We went to the clinic this morning. Scott was a little late because of traffic so they just rushed us in. Seriously, the fastest ultrasound ever. I don't think the doc even bothered to sit down. He's the sandyhaired doctor. I can never remember their names. He turned the screen and said "there's your uterus, and there's the pregnancy."
One baby.
One baby measuring right on target with a flickering heartbeat.
Yes, a huge relief but I'm ashamed to say I'm a bit disappointed. I really had hoped for twins. It would bring us back to having three kids and seem like everything came full circle. And our baby C is special and extraordinary because of her journey. Following up with twins would mean that they would be special too. That's just my foolish thinking. I want them all to feel special. It's quite a weird concept to think that we're going to have a single, normal pregnancy. I don't know what that's like.
Plus, I"m disappointed because I want tons of kids and I realize that not every embryo is going to give us a baby. This might be our second and our last. Still, besides that stupid disappointment, I'm hopeful and so excited.
Scott said he had a dream two nights ago that he was getting the mail and he had two daughters with him (one being baby c). That's why he was so sure we weren't having twins. Well, we're certainly closer to his dream coming true.
I honestly can't believe I feel this sick with just one baby. I feel worse at this point then I did with triplets. Up until today, I had this irrational fear that I was pregnant with quads. Hmmm, I did read somewhere that morning sickness seems to be worse when you're pregnant with girls. I never buy into some of the conception and pregnancy myths I see out there...but this one could be something to think about. I actually would really like another girl. I love having a daughter. Plus, it would just make things a lot easier. We have all the clothes in the world for a little girl. We wouldn't have to buy anything, we're all set.
In one week, I'll be at 8 months. Two thirds of the way through the first trimester. Please protect my baby (girl/boy) and form their heart, organs and brain true and whole.
Symptoms: Complete nausea all day
Weight Change=not weighing myself
Milestones: Baby is the size of a blueberry this week
This morning was our first ultrasound at the IVF clinic. I started feeling nauseous early on, for the past week already. If I'm not feeling too nauseous, it's because I'm too exhausted to feel anything else but tired. There are some mornings when I wake up feeling glorious, rested and carefree. And little by little, I can feel the nausea start to creep on as time passes. I'm forcing myself to eat. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't make a difference, sometimes it makes me feel worse. But I'm eating 3 meals a day so far so I know it's not the worst it can be.
We went to the clinic this morning. Scott was a little late because of traffic so they just rushed us in. Seriously, the fastest ultrasound ever. I don't think the doc even bothered to sit down. He's the sandyhaired doctor. I can never remember their names. He turned the screen and said "there's your uterus, and there's the pregnancy."
One baby.
One baby measuring right on target with a flickering heartbeat.
Yes, a huge relief but I'm ashamed to say I'm a bit disappointed. I really had hoped for twins. It would bring us back to having three kids and seem like everything came full circle. And our baby C is special and extraordinary because of her journey. Following up with twins would mean that they would be special too. That's just my foolish thinking. I want them all to feel special. It's quite a weird concept to think that we're going to have a single, normal pregnancy. I don't know what that's like.
Plus, I"m disappointed because I want tons of kids and I realize that not every embryo is going to give us a baby. This might be our second and our last. Still, besides that stupid disappointment, I'm hopeful and so excited.
Scott said he had a dream two nights ago that he was getting the mail and he had two daughters with him (one being baby c). That's why he was so sure we weren't having twins. Well, we're certainly closer to his dream coming true.
I honestly can't believe I feel this sick with just one baby. I feel worse at this point then I did with triplets. Up until today, I had this irrational fear that I was pregnant with quads. Hmmm, I did read somewhere that morning sickness seems to be worse when you're pregnant with girls. I never buy into some of the conception and pregnancy myths I see out there...but this one could be something to think about. I actually would really like another girl. I love having a daughter. Plus, it would just make things a lot easier. We have all the clothes in the world for a little girl. We wouldn't have to buy anything, we're all set.
In one week, I'll be at 8 months. Two thirds of the way through the first trimester. Please protect my baby (girl/boy) and form their heart, organs and brain true and whole.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
6 weeks 3 days Slight Nausea and Nervous for 1st Ultrasound
Weight: Heck no
Symptoms: No longer loving food, periodic nausea, periodic fatigue
So, I lost all my pregnancy weight through grief and spending my days in the hospital. Then I gained my pregnancy weight back and more through grief and having a baby at home. I now actually weigh more than when I was pregnant. So, I've not stepped on the scale in a few months now. I figure I'll get that nice shock when I go to the doctor's office in a few weeks.
Of course, ideally, I thought I would try to get into shape before we tried again but time ran out and I had gained weight instead. Aw frick!
I don't know if it is because I'm looking for it more but I've started to get periods of nausea already. Oh, no, it's starting already!!! I am at the phase where I'm not interested in food but then I think of something and go "Mmmm, yes, I want to eat that." So we get it, I eat it, then I feel nauseous and decide I never ever want to eat that again. I can no longer eat leftovers and I'm going to run out of new foods soon. Sometimes I'm really nauseous and most of the day I feel pretty normal. Right now I'm good. No explanation. So I'm not really watching what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. I actually try to eat whenever I can because I know the worst is coming soon. And since I really just don't have a hunger, I am really not drinking at much soda or tea as I used to because I just don't feel like eating or drinking
Some days I feel great like yesterday. Just energetic and motivated. Then today, I was falling asleep by lunch. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. I told the hubby to watch the little one, went to my bed and slept for three hours. Was tired all night but now that I'm at the computer, I feel fine. BBs don't feel tender which worry me. but after breastfeeding and that tenderness, maybe I'm just desensitized.
All I can think of is how that u/s appt. on Thursday will either bring me crushing news or the hugest blessing. I want to start to hope for the future but so much leans on that little doctor's appt.
Symptoms: No longer loving food, periodic nausea, periodic fatigue
So, I lost all my pregnancy weight through grief and spending my days in the hospital. Then I gained my pregnancy weight back and more through grief and having a baby at home. I now actually weigh more than when I was pregnant. So, I've not stepped on the scale in a few months now. I figure I'll get that nice shock when I go to the doctor's office in a few weeks.
Of course, ideally, I thought I would try to get into shape before we tried again but time ran out and I had gained weight instead. Aw frick!
I don't know if it is because I'm looking for it more but I've started to get periods of nausea already. Oh, no, it's starting already!!! I am at the phase where I'm not interested in food but then I think of something and go "Mmmm, yes, I want to eat that." So we get it, I eat it, then I feel nauseous and decide I never ever want to eat that again. I can no longer eat leftovers and I'm going to run out of new foods soon. Sometimes I'm really nauseous and most of the day I feel pretty normal. Right now I'm good. No explanation. So I'm not really watching what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. I actually try to eat whenever I can because I know the worst is coming soon. And since I really just don't have a hunger, I am really not drinking at much soda or tea as I used to because I just don't feel like eating or drinking
Some days I feel great like yesterday. Just energetic and motivated. Then today, I was falling asleep by lunch. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. I told the hubby to watch the little one, went to my bed and slept for three hours. Was tired all night but now that I'm at the computer, I feel fine. BBs don't feel tender which worry me. but after breastfeeding and that tenderness, maybe I'm just desensitized.
All I can think of is how that u/s appt. on Thursday will either bring me crushing news or the hugest blessing. I want to start to hope for the future but so much leans on that little doctor's appt.
FET #1
After our first successful IVF, we had four embryos that were frozen for the future use. We never really had a game plan on trying again but watching C grow up and how she loved playing with other babies, we just felt like we had to make up for the fact that she didn't get to play with her siblings. And honestly, when you're anticipating bringing three babies home and then you had two girls in the hospital but then you only bring one home, your house fills surprisingly empty. So, I have a job at an educational institution so we just grabbed the opportunity to do an FET with two of our four embryos during the winter break.
This round has been completely different. I was real bummed because I thought that FET would have much less injections than a fresh IVF. It's pretty much the same. And this round is completely different. I never thought it hurt that much the first time but maybe I just don't remember. Some days, the needle just slides in and sometimes he has to poke through goodness knows what and I'm yelling out in pain. Damn it hurts.
We did the transfer on Monday, Dec 19. I only bedrested for really a day because even though I had off...my hubby had to work and we now have a toddler. It was during christmas week craziness. That really helped pass the two week wait but it also made me worry because it seemed like this was just an add-on, something that we weren't really focusing on. I was worried that we weren't putting enough energy into it.
I took a pee test on Christmas morning and I remember being frozen with fear. How am I going to face this if it doesn't show up positive. Really, I haven't even considered the possibility that it won't work. I say I'm prepared for the worse but every part of me is hoping and planning ahead to a possible due date. But then the best Christmas day I have ever had started with the faintest of lines.
Of course I took two more EPT's every other day until my blood test and I lovingly stare at those beautiful lines all the time.
1st beta: 62 at 12 dp 5dt
2nd beta: 425 at 14 dp5dt
3rd beta: 6100 at 22 dp5dt?
We have our first ultrasound next thursday. I'm trying so hard to keep busy because the days are just crawling by. I am so thankful. I'm thankful. I'm so relieved. I'm scared. I'm still in disbelief. I'm trying to shoo away those thoughts of fear and "what ifs." I have no words of wisdom for myself, I'm just taking things as they come.
This round has been completely different. I was real bummed because I thought that FET would have much less injections than a fresh IVF. It's pretty much the same. And this round is completely different. I never thought it hurt that much the first time but maybe I just don't remember. Some days, the needle just slides in and sometimes he has to poke through goodness knows what and I'm yelling out in pain. Damn it hurts.
We did the transfer on Monday, Dec 19. I only bedrested for really a day because even though I had off...my hubby had to work and we now have a toddler. It was during christmas week craziness. That really helped pass the two week wait but it also made me worry because it seemed like this was just an add-on, something that we weren't really focusing on. I was worried that we weren't putting enough energy into it.
I took a pee test on Christmas morning and I remember being frozen with fear. How am I going to face this if it doesn't show up positive. Really, I haven't even considered the possibility that it won't work. I say I'm prepared for the worse but every part of me is hoping and planning ahead to a possible due date. But then the best Christmas day I have ever had started with the faintest of lines.
Of course I took two more EPT's every other day until my blood test and I lovingly stare at those beautiful lines all the time.
1st beta: 62 at 12 dp 5dt
2nd beta: 425 at 14 dp5dt
3rd beta: 6100 at 22 dp5dt?
We have our first ultrasound next thursday. I'm trying so hard to keep busy because the days are just crawling by. I am so thankful. I'm thankful. I'm so relieved. I'm scared. I'm still in disbelief. I'm trying to shoo away those thoughts of fear and "what ifs." I have no words of wisdom for myself, I'm just taking things as they come.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Update
Well, if you found this blog looking for advice on triplets...maybe you've found out you're pregnant with triplets and are searching for support, you may not want to read this blog. It's been almost 17 months since I last blogged. I know...because my daughter, the youngest of three and my sole surviving triplet is almost 17 months. She and her sisters were born two days after my last pregnancy update.
I started having a lot of small contractions so I lay in bed all day. They seemed to be lessening but when I woke up in the middle of the night to pee...my water broke. Later that day, my temperature spiked and the doctors can only guess that I had some sort of infection that triggered labor. The rest became a blur. My three girls were born at 26 weeks 1 day gestation. Because of Baby B (R)'s heart condition worsened by her immature lungs, she passed away within just a few hours. I was still in recovery from my emergency c-section and didn't have a chance to even hold her until it was too late. She was 2 lb 4 oz.
Baby A (A) was born first at just 1 lb 12 oz but she was so strong. Her little lungs were surprisingly strong and we could hear her cute little cry when she was just a day old. She was doing amazingly well and growing on track...until she came down with an intestinal infection, N.E. C.. It overcame her and we would lose her when she was just 19 days old.
Baby C (C) was born last at 2 lb 4 oz. She had always done great but did not enjoy the stress of being delivered. She wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated. She didn't seem to be enjoying jospital life as well as her older sister, but she was always a cruiser. After 81 days in the NICU, she came home. Literally, she saved me. It was a dark time that tore at my heart daily and holding her while I cried and mourned for her sisters was my only comfort. I had found quite a few stories of triplets who were born too early. Until I read those stories, I had never really grasped why it really was a high-risk pregnancy. As painful as it has been to lose my girls, I'm still dealing with the grief...I know that not everyone came home with a baby at all. Baby C is my blessing and I pray over her crib every night. I'm so frightened of losing my last little girl.
If you are pregnant with triplets, here is my one advice. Leave your job if you have to. Stay in bed and never get up. I had only finished work a few weeks before. The doctors thought I was doing great and warned me that bedrest was around the corner but they hadn't given me the official command. So, I was freaking out that we weren't ready. The house wasn't ready. Nothing was bought for them. My high-risk doctor told us and I agree that there really isn't much medical proof that bedrest does anything. There might be but it really isn't signficant. But he did tell us that it is for peace of mind. That you never look back and have regrets.
I have such regrets. I feel such guilt. We had run around to all these stores on Monday, trying to buy curtains and a crib. I lay back in the car when we were driving and I rode in a wheelchair in al the stores but that is when the contractions seemed to get consistent. Not close enough to warrant alarm but definitely increased. And they were present until my water broke about 36 hours later. I wish I had just quit my job and just lay down. I will always wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't been stressing...if I hadn't been moving. I can't dwell on it. It's taken me a long time to get out of the deep blackness into just a tolerable sadness. But it changed my life and it changed me. I miss the person I was.
It's been 17 months. We had an amazing support system. We now have best friends who we met through this whole ordeal. NICU nurses and people who just started showing up to give us support. We've met people in the last year who don't even know our story and just think C is our first and only baby. It gives you a sense of normalcy.
C is amazing. Sweet, funny, stubborn, energetic, a climber. She loves to give kisses and dance. She stayed here to give us comfort while her sisters are together in heaven.
I started having a lot of small contractions so I lay in bed all day. They seemed to be lessening but when I woke up in the middle of the night to pee...my water broke. Later that day, my temperature spiked and the doctors can only guess that I had some sort of infection that triggered labor. The rest became a blur. My three girls were born at 26 weeks 1 day gestation. Because of Baby B (R)'s heart condition worsened by her immature lungs, she passed away within just a few hours. I was still in recovery from my emergency c-section and didn't have a chance to even hold her until it was too late. She was 2 lb 4 oz.
Baby A (A) was born first at just 1 lb 12 oz but she was so strong. Her little lungs were surprisingly strong and we could hear her cute little cry when she was just a day old. She was doing amazingly well and growing on track...until she came down with an intestinal infection, N.E. C.. It overcame her and we would lose her when she was just 19 days old.
Baby C (C) was born last at 2 lb 4 oz. She had always done great but did not enjoy the stress of being delivered. She wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated. She didn't seem to be enjoying jospital life as well as her older sister, but she was always a cruiser. After 81 days in the NICU, she came home. Literally, she saved me. It was a dark time that tore at my heart daily and holding her while I cried and mourned for her sisters was my only comfort. I had found quite a few stories of triplets who were born too early. Until I read those stories, I had never really grasped why it really was a high-risk pregnancy. As painful as it has been to lose my girls, I'm still dealing with the grief...I know that not everyone came home with a baby at all. Baby C is my blessing and I pray over her crib every night. I'm so frightened of losing my last little girl.
If you are pregnant with triplets, here is my one advice. Leave your job if you have to. Stay in bed and never get up. I had only finished work a few weeks before. The doctors thought I was doing great and warned me that bedrest was around the corner but they hadn't given me the official command. So, I was freaking out that we weren't ready. The house wasn't ready. Nothing was bought for them. My high-risk doctor told us and I agree that there really isn't much medical proof that bedrest does anything. There might be but it really isn't signficant. But he did tell us that it is for peace of mind. That you never look back and have regrets.
I have such regrets. I feel such guilt. We had run around to all these stores on Monday, trying to buy curtains and a crib. I lay back in the car when we were driving and I rode in a wheelchair in al the stores but that is when the contractions seemed to get consistent. Not close enough to warrant alarm but definitely increased. And they were present until my water broke about 36 hours later. I wish I had just quit my job and just lay down. I will always wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't been stressing...if I hadn't been moving. I can't dwell on it. It's taken me a long time to get out of the deep blackness into just a tolerable sadness. But it changed my life and it changed me. I miss the person I was.
It's been 17 months. We had an amazing support system. We now have best friends who we met through this whole ordeal. NICU nurses and people who just started showing up to give us support. We've met people in the last year who don't even know our story and just think C is our first and only baby. It gives you a sense of normalcy.
C is amazing. Sweet, funny, stubborn, energetic, a climber. She loves to give kisses and dance. She stayed here to give us comfort while her sisters are together in heaven.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
25 Weeks (3 Weeks to 1st Milestone)
Gestational Age: 25 weeks
Pregnancy Weight: 197.5 lb
Symptoms: harder time breathing when lying down, swollen ankles, sore back, stretch marks on BB,
Man, the days are just crawling by. I am holding my breath. I've been having braxton-hicks every day. Some days are filled with them. One day, I was having them every 15 minutes and only after an hour or so of lying down chugging water did it slow down to every 20 minutes. Even lying down all day sometimes doesn't slow it. I was starting to freak out that I wasn't going to be able to make it. Thankfully, the last two days have been real good, and I have just have them sporadically throughout the day.
My doc says to make sure we're ready for the babies because I'll be on bed rest soon. yah, right. Our house is a mess. I'm finally able to go on Amazon and order things, my first attempts were heartbreaking and would bring on sobbing fits as I realized I can only plan on enough for two babies. A part of me is scared to even do that. I think we're just going to buy one crib for now and then the second one after the babies come home and are doing fine. And of course, there's no place to put anything. Our house is so full of stuff, it is taking forever to sort through things. I'm just realizing that things are not going to get done. I have high hopes and dreams but not really.
Being home everyday is boring. I'm not mobile so I really can't take advantage of it to do things that would make me enjoy it. Like cleaning...or organizing. I have to lie down and I tackle a few tasks every day...so it doesn't make me feel like I'm making any headway. My dear mother, my dear absentee mother was supposed to come help me clean windows but she hasn't returned my call. The one time I call her in three years and she doesn't return it. That just figures. Sheesh.
I am getting tons of quality time with Scott although it's just us sitting at home. I wish we could think of things to do that my chubby, immobile self could do. I told Scott to get us a wheelchair and then he could push me around the neighborhood.
I love being pregnant. You feel special. Man, everyone jumps up and carries things for me. Brings me chairs. I need it so I greatly appreciate it. Oh, and the babies are so active. I think they take turns being awake so someone is always kicking. We went to see Dr. O yesterday and I smiled as the babies kicked his little ultrasound wand. That's my soccer girls.
Pregnancy Weight: 197.5 lb
Symptoms: harder time breathing when lying down, swollen ankles, sore back, stretch marks on BB,
Man, the days are just crawling by. I am holding my breath. I've been having braxton-hicks every day. Some days are filled with them. One day, I was having them every 15 minutes and only after an hour or so of lying down chugging water did it slow down to every 20 minutes. Even lying down all day sometimes doesn't slow it. I was starting to freak out that I wasn't going to be able to make it. Thankfully, the last two days have been real good, and I have just have them sporadically throughout the day.
My doc says to make sure we're ready for the babies because I'll be on bed rest soon. yah, right. Our house is a mess. I'm finally able to go on Amazon and order things, my first attempts were heartbreaking and would bring on sobbing fits as I realized I can only plan on enough for two babies. A part of me is scared to even do that. I think we're just going to buy one crib for now and then the second one after the babies come home and are doing fine. And of course, there's no place to put anything. Our house is so full of stuff, it is taking forever to sort through things. I'm just realizing that things are not going to get done. I have high hopes and dreams but not really.
Being home everyday is boring. I'm not mobile so I really can't take advantage of it to do things that would make me enjoy it. Like cleaning...or organizing. I have to lie down and I tackle a few tasks every day...so it doesn't make me feel like I'm making any headway. My dear mother, my dear absentee mother was supposed to come help me clean windows but she hasn't returned my call. The one time I call her in three years and she doesn't return it. That just figures. Sheesh.
I am getting tons of quality time with Scott although it's just us sitting at home. I wish we could think of things to do that my chubby, immobile self could do. I told Scott to get us a wheelchair and then he could push me around the neighborhood.
I love being pregnant. You feel special. Man, everyone jumps up and carries things for me. Brings me chairs. I need it so I greatly appreciate it. Oh, and the babies are so active. I think they take turns being awake so someone is always kicking. We went to see Dr. O yesterday and I smiled as the babies kicked his little ultrasound wand. That's my soccer girls.
Monday, July 12, 2010
24 weeks (4 weeks until the big milestone)
Gestational Age: 24 weeks
My weight: 196 lb
Symptoms: Big belly, we've noticed the faint darkened line appearing that runs down the center of my tummy, the belly button still has a lip...it's fighting the urge to become and outie (plus, I push it in as much as possible), back starting to hurt when I lie down on my side (that sucks), feet are swollen little pillows and sometimes my toes get all tingly because of it
According to our book, each baby should be about 1 1/2 pounds. That's a singleton rate and triplets start to fall behind singletons as we approach the mid to late twenty weeks. But my babies were all over 1 pound last week so I'm pretty sure they all hit that for this week at least.
Last week, the doc ordered me to up my calcium and protein intake. I also read that pregnant women who don't have enough iron will be more tired and supply less oxygen to their babies. Since my baby has a heart defect, I can't have that happening. So, I've begun taking calcium supplements, plus a prenatal vitamin, and an iron pill. And I drink a breakfast replacement drink as a snack every day. I think it's better but I don't think I'm getting enough, I may have to up my calcium just a bit. But it's hard. The drink fills me up and one time I drank it and then I couldn't eat dinner. Stomach small and squished by now. I have to work on protein because right now the babies are starting to build up their fat stores and muscles. Too bad there's no protein pills.
Some days I have tons of braxton-hicks even when I'm just lying down or doing nothing and some days I don't.
I read the threads on triplet forums about parents who have lost one or more of their triplets. It made me realize how many people give birth super early...and these next four weeks are critical. so many of them were because they went into labor between weeks 23 and 28. It has scared me and even though our house is a mess, dirty, and completely unprepared for any baby, I'll have to just let it go and work on growing fat, old babies.
I tried to go on Amazon yesterday and look up some preemie clothes. I wanted to buy little hats and then I started crying when I didn't know to buy 2 or 3. Gizmo will be with us for a little bit and I want her to be dressed...but for how long will we have her. Then I saw these little preemie dresses and started crying. I should buy her a nice outfit. I started crying so badly, I had to stop shopping. I found this website blog about a mom who discovered her baby son had a terminal heart defect. he lived for almost 11 hours after birth and I just sobbed uncontrollably reading it. I know it will be such a blessing to be able to meet and hold and hug and kiss Gizmo...but I have no idea how I'm going to be able to survive losing her. I really hadn't thought about how hard it was going to be until I read this mom's account. Just last week, I was watching this special on the mermaid girl. This sweet 10 year old girl with mermaid's disease who wasn't supposed to live more than a few weeks. She was just captivating, what an endearing little girl. She came down with a lung infection and the family spent time with her in the ICU before she passed away. Oh, I just bawled and bawled. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to lose gizmo, I just don't.
Please Lord, keep all my girls safe. Keep them growing and healthy and happy. Thank you for them and every day I have them.
My weight: 196 lb
Symptoms: Big belly, we've noticed the faint darkened line appearing that runs down the center of my tummy, the belly button still has a lip...it's fighting the urge to become and outie (plus, I push it in as much as possible), back starting to hurt when I lie down on my side (that sucks), feet are swollen little pillows and sometimes my toes get all tingly because of it
According to our book, each baby should be about 1 1/2 pounds. That's a singleton rate and triplets start to fall behind singletons as we approach the mid to late twenty weeks. But my babies were all over 1 pound last week so I'm pretty sure they all hit that for this week at least.
Last week, the doc ordered me to up my calcium and protein intake. I also read that pregnant women who don't have enough iron will be more tired and supply less oxygen to their babies. Since my baby has a heart defect, I can't have that happening. So, I've begun taking calcium supplements, plus a prenatal vitamin, and an iron pill. And I drink a breakfast replacement drink as a snack every day. I think it's better but I don't think I'm getting enough, I may have to up my calcium just a bit. But it's hard. The drink fills me up and one time I drank it and then I couldn't eat dinner. Stomach small and squished by now. I have to work on protein because right now the babies are starting to build up their fat stores and muscles. Too bad there's no protein pills.
Some days I have tons of braxton-hicks even when I'm just lying down or doing nothing and some days I don't.
I read the threads on triplet forums about parents who have lost one or more of their triplets. It made me realize how many people give birth super early...and these next four weeks are critical. so many of them were because they went into labor between weeks 23 and 28. It has scared me and even though our house is a mess, dirty, and completely unprepared for any baby, I'll have to just let it go and work on growing fat, old babies.
I tried to go on Amazon yesterday and look up some preemie clothes. I wanted to buy little hats and then I started crying when I didn't know to buy 2 or 3. Gizmo will be with us for a little bit and I want her to be dressed...but for how long will we have her. Then I saw these little preemie dresses and started crying. I should buy her a nice outfit. I started crying so badly, I had to stop shopping. I found this website blog about a mom who discovered her baby son had a terminal heart defect. he lived for almost 11 hours after birth and I just sobbed uncontrollably reading it. I know it will be such a blessing to be able to meet and hold and hug and kiss Gizmo...but I have no idea how I'm going to be able to survive losing her. I really hadn't thought about how hard it was going to be until I read this mom's account. Just last week, I was watching this special on the mermaid girl. This sweet 10 year old girl with mermaid's disease who wasn't supposed to live more than a few weeks. She was just captivating, what an endearing little girl. She came down with a lung infection and the family spent time with her in the ICU before she passed away. Oh, I just bawled and bawled. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to lose gizmo, I just don't.
Please Lord, keep all my girls safe. Keep them growing and healthy and happy. Thank you for them and every day I have them.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
23 weeks 1 day We're staying here
Gestational Age: 23 w 1 d
Weight: 192.7 lb, but that was yesterday and I've been eating tons more so it should be way higher
Symptoms: belly button is starting to get a lip on the top, I think I'm getting an outie. feet sore.
Prayer Requests: Gizmo's heart. Astro keeps growing and keeping up.
We really prayed for a direction. Our doctor was presenting our case to a group of doctors from San Diego to see if there was a good chance that surgery could be an option for Gizmo if she makes it to delivery. Our doc called us on Friday. I chickened out and didn't want to be the recipient. So I made the doc call Scott and Scott told me in person. The doctors pretty much said that it could be possible but they wouldn't recommend it as an option to consider. She would be too small as a preemie and the risks were high. They recommended we deliver here and offer comfort care. The reassuring news was that a number of them seemed to think that she could make it to delivery.
It was a relief to hear, just a clear direction. We know where we are going and now we can just pray into it. Being in chaos was just emotional torture. As the relief wore off, it started to get more real and I started crying. Just randomly...driving home, in the bathroom. I woke up in the middle of the night and just thought about having to say good-bye to her and I started crying. Now we know what to prepare for but there's no way we'll ever be fully prepared for it. I so can't wait to meet her and I'm glad they think we have a good chance to. I'll be able to hold her and kiss her. But it will also make it a lot harder to say goodbye. Now that I know I'm most likely going to lose one baby, I cannot lose two babies. That's all I kept thinking about all weekend.
We followed up with our neonatal specialist today to see how the babies were doing. He was very positive. Said that the identicals seem to be sharing equally and that we just keep going forward. He also gave me some stern warnings about taking it easy and eating more. According to my weekly development book, our babies are going to be just gaining weight and fat stores from now until the end...so I have to. We want old, fattie babies.
Weight: 192.7 lb, but that was yesterday and I've been eating tons more so it should be way higher
Symptoms: belly button is starting to get a lip on the top, I think I'm getting an outie. feet sore.
Prayer Requests: Gizmo's heart. Astro keeps growing and keeping up.
We really prayed for a direction. Our doctor was presenting our case to a group of doctors from San Diego to see if there was a good chance that surgery could be an option for Gizmo if she makes it to delivery. Our doc called us on Friday. I chickened out and didn't want to be the recipient. So I made the doc call Scott and Scott told me in person. The doctors pretty much said that it could be possible but they wouldn't recommend it as an option to consider. She would be too small as a preemie and the risks were high. They recommended we deliver here and offer comfort care. The reassuring news was that a number of them seemed to think that she could make it to delivery.
It was a relief to hear, just a clear direction. We know where we are going and now we can just pray into it. Being in chaos was just emotional torture. As the relief wore off, it started to get more real and I started crying. Just randomly...driving home, in the bathroom. I woke up in the middle of the night and just thought about having to say good-bye to her and I started crying. Now we know what to prepare for but there's no way we'll ever be fully prepared for it. I so can't wait to meet her and I'm glad they think we have a good chance to. I'll be able to hold her and kiss her. But it will also make it a lot harder to say goodbye. Now that I know I'm most likely going to lose one baby, I cannot lose two babies. That's all I kept thinking about all weekend.
We followed up with our neonatal specialist today to see how the babies were doing. He was very positive. Said that the identicals seem to be sharing equally and that we just keep going forward. He also gave me some stern warnings about taking it easy and eating more. According to my weekly development book, our babies are going to be just gaining weight and fat stores from now until the end...so I have to. We want old, fattie babies.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
22 weeks 1 day= Up in the air
Gestational Age: 22 w 1 d
Symptoms: super large belly, belly button opening squished to just a slit, stretch marks on the BB but none on the belly yet (yah), contractions, baby movements, still peeing every 2-3 hrs at night
Prayer Requests: a miracle. Gizmo's heart valve to open up and the fluid around her heart to disappear, for her left ventricle to receive blood that allows takes away the calcification and that it beats regularly. Please protect Astro that her health is not endangered by her identifical twin's health. For our docs to have wisdom and for them to be knowledgeable in the areas we need.
So another visit to the cardiologist. I thought this one would be faster but it was still over 90 minutes of just scanning. 90 minutes of scanning one baby's heart. The room was hot and I was trying so hard not to get restless and fidget. I tried to look at the screen but it is hard to figure anything out. I did smile when I got glimpses of arms or legs or her sweet face. And she was squirming around in there which made me smile. I felt a lot of kicks and moves, I guess the ultrasound wand got them all worked up.
Then the Dr. sat down with us after that loooong scan. And our other specialist came in and sat down in the middle of the meeting. Dr. S, the cardiologist, said that her heart looks the same, that she does appear to have aortic atresia and that her left ventricle is enlarged and does not seem to be beating properly. He says overall her heart looks bigger (and not just cause she's getting bigger) but he says it looks to him like there's less fluid around the heart (AMEN, that's what I was praying for, my good little girl).
There's some docs from San Diego here and they're having a docs get together so he's going to present our case to them and get their opinion. Whether surgery is even an option. She may be born too small because she's a triplet and will be a preemie. If there is a shot, then Scott and I will have to go up to San Diego and be prepared to stay there for a while. We were a little shocked when Dr. O (our specialist) said he'd send us up there at 25-26 weeks (up that's 3-4 weeks from now)...whoa. That's a little shocking to think of. I'm okay but I just feel bad for Scott. I'm set to leave work but how is he going to keep working. If the surgeries are an option, we also may have to stay there for about 6 months after the delivery
This time they brought up the idea of termination as an option. They said they just have to lay out the options. I don't know how they get the numbers that they use. Looking online, it said that 20% of babies die while waiting for a transplant but the doc quoted us almost 50%. The online journal said that about 40% of identical twins suffered brain damage if their twin died in utero but the doc from last week quoted us 60%. And this week, Dr. O told us that there's a 30-40% chance that our identical twin "Astro" could die as well if Gizmo passes away.
I told them that I was just not comfortable with the idea of terminating. I said, I of course would have to know it was an option as things change or our options change but I had to put it to them so they knew. Last week, while we were being prayed for, I just felt like God created all these girls. He formed every hair on their head and I just kept thinking "I can't harm a single hair on their heads." I told God that. They're his creations, they're his children.
The doctor brought up yet another option. If surgery is not an option, we could choose to stay here in Hawaii and deliver here although they don't have the facilities to deal with Gizmo's heart problems. All they would do is provide care for as long as she could survive. He said that he had families who were against termination who chose that option. I was relieved to hear that although much later it struck me that these were probably singleton pregnancies, in my case there's risk to the other two girls involved. I tried to pin down the cardiologist for his estimate at her chance of survival to delivery. he hemmed and hawed for a while and said he was just guessing that she had a 60% of survival to delivery.
So now we just wait to hear what the san diego doctors say.
I still marvel at how things went from being so great and blissful to just being an emotional nightmare. Logically, I wonder how we would handle the expenses of moving to a new state for a good part of a year, finding a place, renting, we would need a car, a mattress, still pay mortgage at our hawaii home, need someone to stay at our home to take care of it and take care of our dog, taking care of 2 of the babies once they come out of the hospital while the Gizmo is still receiving medical care, and I'm scared to ask how much insurance will cover for medical costs especially with both of us not working. Thankfully, I really believe Scott's job will work with us as much as they can but, last night, he brought up getting a job at a fast food restaurant that our friends have in California. Emotionally, I just have no idea what choices we'll be asked to make and I have no idea how we'll make them. Believe me, it's a despairing thought but I have to push it away for now. God got us this far, he's in for the entire journey. Everything sounds so scary but he hasn't forsaken us, he's held his promises.
I miss the days when a triplet pregnancy was the biggest of my worries. I have my good days and bad days. Last week, I just came home from work and just lay down all night, trying to let my body recuperate as much as possible before my next day at work. This week, I feel a little stronger although last night, I was having a lot of contractions. I only feel them because my bladder gets squished and I have to fight the urge to pee. I'm at 22 weeks...unbelievable...I would be so proud of myself and my body for standing up pretty well. I feel like we could go really long with this pregnancy....if this was just a regular triplet pregnancy.
I've started a cocoa butter regimen, three times a day. I don't know if it will work but at least my skin is super moisturized and smooth. I have this area on my left upper abdomen which is so painful. I thought it was the skin but now I think it's the muscle. It feels like a torn muscle. I looked it up....it's just muscle pain from it being stretched and there's nothing you can do...but I find myself subconsciously rubbing it all day long. For the last week, I was only feeling movement/kicks in one area. The top so I figured it's Slugger. But yesterday riled them up and I feel them on the top, my right side, and down below (which feels weird and I lovingly tell them to stop that when I feel that one).
I'm 10 weeks away from the average delivery date for triplets, 6 weeks away from the critical 28 week mark. Please let the time just fly by with my baby girls chugging along. Lord, these are your girls, teach me how you want them raised.
Symptoms: super large belly, belly button opening squished to just a slit, stretch marks on the BB but none on the belly yet (yah), contractions, baby movements, still peeing every 2-3 hrs at night
Prayer Requests: a miracle. Gizmo's heart valve to open up and the fluid around her heart to disappear, for her left ventricle to receive blood that allows takes away the calcification and that it beats regularly. Please protect Astro that her health is not endangered by her identifical twin's health. For our docs to have wisdom and for them to be knowledgeable in the areas we need.
So another visit to the cardiologist. I thought this one would be faster but it was still over 90 minutes of just scanning. 90 minutes of scanning one baby's heart. The room was hot and I was trying so hard not to get restless and fidget. I tried to look at the screen but it is hard to figure anything out. I did smile when I got glimpses of arms or legs or her sweet face. And she was squirming around in there which made me smile. I felt a lot of kicks and moves, I guess the ultrasound wand got them all worked up.
Then the Dr. sat down with us after that loooong scan. And our other specialist came in and sat down in the middle of the meeting. Dr. S, the cardiologist, said that her heart looks the same, that she does appear to have aortic atresia and that her left ventricle is enlarged and does not seem to be beating properly. He says overall her heart looks bigger (and not just cause she's getting bigger) but he says it looks to him like there's less fluid around the heart (AMEN, that's what I was praying for, my good little girl).
There's some docs from San Diego here and they're having a docs get together so he's going to present our case to them and get their opinion. Whether surgery is even an option. She may be born too small because she's a triplet and will be a preemie. If there is a shot, then Scott and I will have to go up to San Diego and be prepared to stay there for a while. We were a little shocked when Dr. O (our specialist) said he'd send us up there at 25-26 weeks (up that's 3-4 weeks from now)...whoa. That's a little shocking to think of. I'm okay but I just feel bad for Scott. I'm set to leave work but how is he going to keep working. If the surgeries are an option, we also may have to stay there for about 6 months after the delivery
This time they brought up the idea of termination as an option. They said they just have to lay out the options. I don't know how they get the numbers that they use. Looking online, it said that 20% of babies die while waiting for a transplant but the doc quoted us almost 50%. The online journal said that about 40% of identical twins suffered brain damage if their twin died in utero but the doc from last week quoted us 60%. And this week, Dr. O told us that there's a 30-40% chance that our identical twin "Astro" could die as well if Gizmo passes away.
I told them that I was just not comfortable with the idea of terminating. I said, I of course would have to know it was an option as things change or our options change but I had to put it to them so they knew. Last week, while we were being prayed for, I just felt like God created all these girls. He formed every hair on their head and I just kept thinking "I can't harm a single hair on their heads." I told God that. They're his creations, they're his children.
The doctor brought up yet another option. If surgery is not an option, we could choose to stay here in Hawaii and deliver here although they don't have the facilities to deal with Gizmo's heart problems. All they would do is provide care for as long as she could survive. He said that he had families who were against termination who chose that option. I was relieved to hear that although much later it struck me that these were probably singleton pregnancies, in my case there's risk to the other two girls involved. I tried to pin down the cardiologist for his estimate at her chance of survival to delivery. he hemmed and hawed for a while and said he was just guessing that she had a 60% of survival to delivery.
So now we just wait to hear what the san diego doctors say.
I still marvel at how things went from being so great and blissful to just being an emotional nightmare. Logically, I wonder how we would handle the expenses of moving to a new state for a good part of a year, finding a place, renting, we would need a car, a mattress, still pay mortgage at our hawaii home, need someone to stay at our home to take care of it and take care of our dog, taking care of 2 of the babies once they come out of the hospital while the Gizmo is still receiving medical care, and I'm scared to ask how much insurance will cover for medical costs especially with both of us not working. Thankfully, I really believe Scott's job will work with us as much as they can but, last night, he brought up getting a job at a fast food restaurant that our friends have in California. Emotionally, I just have no idea what choices we'll be asked to make and I have no idea how we'll make them. Believe me, it's a despairing thought but I have to push it away for now. God got us this far, he's in for the entire journey. Everything sounds so scary but he hasn't forsaken us, he's held his promises.
I miss the days when a triplet pregnancy was the biggest of my worries. I have my good days and bad days. Last week, I just came home from work and just lay down all night, trying to let my body recuperate as much as possible before my next day at work. This week, I feel a little stronger although last night, I was having a lot of contractions. I only feel them because my bladder gets squished and I have to fight the urge to pee. I'm at 22 weeks...unbelievable...I would be so proud of myself and my body for standing up pretty well. I feel like we could go really long with this pregnancy....if this was just a regular triplet pregnancy.
I've started a cocoa butter regimen, three times a day. I don't know if it will work but at least my skin is super moisturized and smooth. I have this area on my left upper abdomen which is so painful. I thought it was the skin but now I think it's the muscle. It feels like a torn muscle. I looked it up....it's just muscle pain from it being stretched and there's nothing you can do...but I find myself subconsciously rubbing it all day long. For the last week, I was only feeling movement/kicks in one area. The top so I figured it's Slugger. But yesterday riled them up and I feel them on the top, my right side, and down below (which feels weird and I lovingly tell them to stop that when I feel that one).
I'm 10 weeks away from the average delivery date for triplets, 6 weeks away from the critical 28 week mark. Please let the time just fly by with my baby girls chugging along. Lord, these are your girls, teach me how you want them raised.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
20 weeks 6 days-Finding Hope in the aftermath
I wanted to post this right after going through the day we found out about the heart problems. The next day we woke up in a much better place and I didn't want to leave my blog hanging on the emotions of that first critical day. But it took so long to write the details, I couldn't expand on where we are now.
The following days I woke up, still having moments when I just cry, thinking of my little girl. But also realizing that I have to go forward under the assumption that God is going to work miracles. Yes, the odds are stacked against us. But as long as there's the option, the possibility that our babies come out alive and healthy, then that will be the one I cling to.
I thought about us walking into the cardiologist appointment. Scott and I both said afterward that it hit us hard because we walked in so clueless and hopeful, we felt blindsided. But would the news have been easier to take if we had expecting the worse. I don't think so. So, while, I first felt like I was just preparing myself in case the worst happens, I don't think there's any way to prepare for that. Nothing will make it hurt less or pass easier. So, let me cling to the hope that is my God. Let me rejoice in her life now. Let me be thankful for each day I have with her.
As if God nodded alongside with me, the next day, the babies were so unbelievably active. Gizmo (Baby B) is on the right side and I felt kicks on the lower right side all day. It was the lower side so I knew it wasn't the fraternal who sits above her. I still have Scott feel my stomach while we watch TV hoping he can catch an errant twitch or kick. Finally, that night, she seemed real active and I found that if I pushed gently on my stomach, she would answer with a firm kick. I tried it a few times and each time I was rewarded with a kick. So I asked Scott for his hand, pressed it on my stomach and sure enough, he felt it. I was so happy, I said "that's her." Meet your daughter.
We had a regular visit with my OB. She brought up that the cardiologist probably asked us about terminating the pregnancy for that baby. He hadn't but it's not even an option for us. She did bring up the dangers if Gizmo passes away in the next few weeks. The body could try to reject it which would mean preterm labor for the other two babies. Or an infection could develop that could endanger the other two babies. I'm at 21 weeks tomorrow, and we need to get well past 28 weeks to get out of that danger zone. She also brought us some hope. She said you just never know with babies. They're so small at this point, as they get bigger, the doctors may be able to see more things clearer with their hearts. It goes both ways. Babies they don't think will make it do, and babies they think are in the clear don't always. So, I'm praying that the next visit, the heart will be a little bigger and give us some hope-filled news.
I never want to say I'm naive. I know how serious things are but I can't survive this unless I just believe. So I believe. I had to think about the worst case scenario. What would happen if we lost Gizmo and then lost the other two. All this, the years of waiting and doctor's visit. The shots, the blood tests, the awkward examinations. This pregnancy has been tough. Would I wish it just had never had been? And the answer is no. I am so thankful. I prayed for this, I've been able to walk this path. I think it's such a huge difference that I can feel them move. I feel like I've met them. I love them already. Every second is a blessing and an answer to my prayers.
Tomorrow we meet with a new doc who is filling in for our neonatal specialist. Next week is our cardiologist appt.
Prayer Requests:
For the aortic valve to be opened up
For the fluid around our heart to diminish
FOR NO MORE FLUID accumulating in her body
For her heart to be support her active body
For Astro (Baby A) to be able to grow and keep up without putting more stress on her sister
For Slugger (Baby C) to continue her growth and development and to watch over her sister
For God to help us through this year, we must stand on Him
The following days I woke up, still having moments when I just cry, thinking of my little girl. But also realizing that I have to go forward under the assumption that God is going to work miracles. Yes, the odds are stacked against us. But as long as there's the option, the possibility that our babies come out alive and healthy, then that will be the one I cling to.
I thought about us walking into the cardiologist appointment. Scott and I both said afterward that it hit us hard because we walked in so clueless and hopeful, we felt blindsided. But would the news have been easier to take if we had expecting the worse. I don't think so. So, while, I first felt like I was just preparing myself in case the worst happens, I don't think there's any way to prepare for that. Nothing will make it hurt less or pass easier. So, let me cling to the hope that is my God. Let me rejoice in her life now. Let me be thankful for each day I have with her.
As if God nodded alongside with me, the next day, the babies were so unbelievably active. Gizmo (Baby B) is on the right side and I felt kicks on the lower right side all day. It was the lower side so I knew it wasn't the fraternal who sits above her. I still have Scott feel my stomach while we watch TV hoping he can catch an errant twitch or kick. Finally, that night, she seemed real active and I found that if I pushed gently on my stomach, she would answer with a firm kick. I tried it a few times and each time I was rewarded with a kick. So I asked Scott for his hand, pressed it on my stomach and sure enough, he felt it. I was so happy, I said "that's her." Meet your daughter.
We had a regular visit with my OB. She brought up that the cardiologist probably asked us about terminating the pregnancy for that baby. He hadn't but it's not even an option for us. She did bring up the dangers if Gizmo passes away in the next few weeks. The body could try to reject it which would mean preterm labor for the other two babies. Or an infection could develop that could endanger the other two babies. I'm at 21 weeks tomorrow, and we need to get well past 28 weeks to get out of that danger zone. She also brought us some hope. She said you just never know with babies. They're so small at this point, as they get bigger, the doctors may be able to see more things clearer with their hearts. It goes both ways. Babies they don't think will make it do, and babies they think are in the clear don't always. So, I'm praying that the next visit, the heart will be a little bigger and give us some hope-filled news.
I never want to say I'm naive. I know how serious things are but I can't survive this unless I just believe. So I believe. I had to think about the worst case scenario. What would happen if we lost Gizmo and then lost the other two. All this, the years of waiting and doctor's visit. The shots, the blood tests, the awkward examinations. This pregnancy has been tough. Would I wish it just had never had been? And the answer is no. I am so thankful. I prayed for this, I've been able to walk this path. I think it's such a huge difference that I can feel them move. I feel like I've met them. I love them already. Every second is a blessing and an answer to my prayers.
Tomorrow we meet with a new doc who is filling in for our neonatal specialist. Next week is our cardiologist appt.
Prayer Requests:
For the aortic valve to be opened up
For the fluid around our heart to diminish
FOR NO MORE FLUID accumulating in her body
For her heart to be support her active body
For Astro (Baby A) to be able to grow and keep up without putting more stress on her sister
For Slugger (Baby C) to continue her growth and development and to watch over her sister
For God to help us through this year, we must stand on Him
Saturday, June 19, 2010
20 weeks 3 days...my heart is breaking
20 weeks 3 days
Yesterday, my sister suffered a second stroke in a span of 6 weeks. I received her text messages when I was done with work. It was an emotional night, a visit to the ER. A mild stroke considering but still very serious.
Today, we had to focus on our babies as Scott and I had a visit with a pediatric cardiologist to look at some things about Baby B's heart that had alarmed our neonatal specialist. Scott and I really walked in with naivety. Our doc said he thought he saw a hole in the heart and one side of the heart not beating as strong. Well, she's the biggest and by far the most active baby. I heard that holes in the heart sometimes close on their own, or I'm sure they can fix it somehow. We were not even fazed and breezed into the appointment.
The ultrasound tech took us into a dim room and scanned my babies for over 90 minutes. It was so quiet I fell asleep for a little bit. She took tons of pictures and videos without saying a word and when she finished, she said the doc would review it and then come in himself. So, we spent another half hour by ourselves in the room before the cardiologist came in. Dr. S. He introduced us ourselves and then said he wanted to do some scanning himself. So, he spent another 45 minutes in silence scanning Baby B. Then he said "I'm done. I'm going to take you in the next room and talk to you." Ok.
We went to the next room and he showed us a model of a heart and explained that fetal hearts are different but he would show us how it works in the adult heart.
Yesterday, my sister suffered a second stroke in a span of 6 weeks. I received her text messages when I was done with work. It was an emotional night, a visit to the ER. A mild stroke considering but still very serious.
Today, we had to focus on our babies as Scott and I had a visit with a pediatric cardiologist to look at some things about Baby B's heart that had alarmed our neonatal specialist. Scott and I really walked in with naivety. Our doc said he thought he saw a hole in the heart and one side of the heart not beating as strong. Well, she's the biggest and by far the most active baby. I heard that holes in the heart sometimes close on their own, or I'm sure they can fix it somehow. We were not even fazed and breezed into the appointment.
The ultrasound tech took us into a dim room and scanned my babies for over 90 minutes. It was so quiet I fell asleep for a little bit. She took tons of pictures and videos without saying a word and when she finished, she said the doc would review it and then come in himself. So, we spent another half hour by ourselves in the room before the cardiologist came in. Dr. S. He introduced us ourselves and then said he wanted to do some scanning himself. So, he spent another 45 minutes in silence scanning Baby B. Then he said "I'm done. I'm going to take you in the next room and talk to you." Ok.
We went to the next room and he showed us a model of a heart and explained that fetal hearts are different but he would show us how it works in the adult heart.
So blood returns from the body lacking oxygen on the right side (in blue). The right side of the heart pumps the blood to the lungs to pick up oxygen and it returns to the left side of the heart. The left side of the heart then pumps the blood out through a valve into the aorta, a huge vessel that will distribute the oxygen-rich blood to all parts of the body.
He said he sees several serious problems with Baby B, whom we have nicknamed "Gizmo",'s heart. The left ventricle (right half of the picture above) is enlarged and is brighter than usual on the ultrasound, which may mean that it has a build-up of scar tissue. The left ventricle also doesn't seem to be beating regularly or very strong. The valve between the left atrium and left ventricle looks damaged and he sees some blood actually going backwards. He said he took a long time looking at the aortic valve, the opening that lets blood out of the left ventricle so it can exit the heart into the aorta. He says it's really small so he tried to look from really different angles but he wasn't able to see any blood going through. He fears that the aorta might be completely closed, not letting any blood out of the left side of the heart exit into the aorta.
I just kept nodding, trying to memorize every word he was saying so I could understand exactly what was happening. My mind was racing as I memorized the names of the heart parts as he was pointing to them.
He took a deep breath and then said it doesn't look good. What could happen is she could pass away in utero. She could survive until delivery and be born and then pass away shortly after. He said that if she did make it far enough to be near delivery, it would have to be on the mainland where they could be prepared. If she survived long enough, they could operate on her or if the heart was still too damaged, try to get her on the list for a heart transplant. He said we needed to start thinking about who we might be able to stay with on the west coast that would be in a large city, and he could then match us up with a hospital that was equipped to do transplants and heart surgeries. He recommended staying with family because we would be there for a while. He'd have to talk to our neonatal specialist about when to send us up, because they would have to play it safe. They might have to have us go up to the mainland as early as 28-30 weeks. It might be a month of waiting before delivery, and then of course, however long treatment would be. He said to have a list of cities we might prefer by our next vist.
Again, I'm still nodding in shock. Then he said, "there's the troubling sign that there's fluid around her heart which tells me that she's already experienced some heart failure." Even my numbness couldn't withstand that. I looked at Scott and said "I think I'm going to cry." And then I did. Loud, ugly sobs. Even now as I type this, they're wrenching out of me. My baby. my baby girl. You mean, she's dying. My baby girl is dying.
.........................................................................
Ok, I'm back. I had to leave for a little bit. It's still a little raw. It's hard to have to relive it, but I want to put it down. I started this blog to journal our journey to becoming a family and this is it...the good and the bad.
The poor doctor. He just met us and he had to deliver us the harshest news, probably not a real fun job. He said he would talk to our neonatal specialist...which, if this isn't just a cascade of the devil's attacks is out right now. Our neonatal specialist is out because he had an medical emergency himself and is in the hospital. We're to come back to see the cardiologist in another week and half.
I asked him how come she is doing so well if basicallly she's only using half a heart. She's always been the biggest, always days ahead. She's the strongest and most active. I feel more connected to her because she's the one I usually feel moving and kicking. It makes me smile and I talk to her and rub my belly in encouragement. he says that the blood entering her right atrium and ventricle is coming from the placenta so it's oxygen-rich with my oxygen.
a Fetal Heart
The oxygen rich blood from the placenta goes to the right side of the heart but only a little bit goes to the lungs. There's an opening to the right side of the heart so that the heart can pump the blood to the rest of the body. I think this means that our baby's right side of the heart is doing all the work. He says some of that blood may not be getting to the vessels on the outside of the heart which is why there's scar tissue building up on the left ventricle.
The day was a miserable mess. I couldn't leave the little room, and the doctor kindly told us to stay in there as long as we wanted. I just sobbed for 30 minutes and Scott just held me. my only thought was, how do I get out of here and get home without having anyone see me. When I pulled it together, we started to leave but I had to do a bathroom stop first. When I walked in, I saw myself in the mirrow and saw my belly bulging against my T-shirt and a fresh new wave of pain washed over me and I started sobbing again. All this, all this is for us to have three babies...NOT two....THREE. Right now my stomach looks like a swollen beach ball because there's three babies in there.
We went home and I mourned my baby. Scott and I were sitting on the couch during a quiet moment and I felt her kick me hard and I started crying again. "She kicked me" I told Scott. How can my little girl be so alive and so active? It's heartbreaking because she doesn't know anything is wrong. She doesn't know her heart is struggling to keep up with her. How can I celebrate her kicks and movement when there's this impending gloom. I never really thought about how parents of children with terminal illnesses do it. You hope for the best, but how do you enjoy any part of the present when you're wondering how long the present will last. How can I make it another 3 months of panic and fear. Scott reminded me that we have to pray for a miracle. Forget heart surgeries and making it to delivery. We need complete healing by God's hand.
The first day was rough.
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